have you had an semi-invalid parent stay with you? MIL here for 3 months..

[Anonymous]

You must get help. You can not leave an elderly, disabled, sick person in a new environment (old people get very attached to their routines) by herself all day every day. If you do not get help she will under or over dose her medication. She will trip, fall and break a hip. She will become disoriented from the sheer stress of it all.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely need a full or part time helper. Your husband doesn't get to make the desicion unilaterally that you are going to be the one taking on the full load of helping mil AND doing your usual daily routine as well. Yup, he does sound like a prick.

I think it is very nice that you are helping your mil - I find that so many families wouldn't even be open to the idea of having elderly relatives stay with them but instead ship them off to a nursing home as they literally don't want to even see them. Been there, done that and the thing that makes me sad is that though my mil needed alot of help, she always tried so damn much to never complain when for certain situations any normal person would. Sorry, she passed away a couple months ago so this kind of brings me back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You must get help. You can not leave an elderly, disabled, sick person in a new environment (old people get very attached to their routines) by herself all day every day. If you do not get help she will under or over dose her medication. She will trip, fall and break a hip. She will become disoriented from the sheer stress of it all.

This happened to a co-worker of mine. She had her dad staying in her finished basement while recovering from surgery. He had agreed not to do the stairs while alone, but then decided he was completely capable of walking up the stairs, felt, broke his leg, needed an additional 6 weeks of recovery.

[Anonymous]

Two words: rehab facility. You need one. The situation you describe is in no way safe.

[Anonymous]

It is ridiculous that your DH refuses to consider hiring help yet YOU are the one who is caring for her. What is the dynamic here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my MIL, so no complaints about her character. Bu....t its a guest for 3 months! Plus, she needs serious surgery and can't do it where she lives (alone). She is going to stay with us, in our finished basement (which has a full bath, etc). She will need help getting dressed, showering, can't lift anything, and of course we will have to cook, drive to appointments (she will need to go twice a week, which means someone has to take that time off work, and neither of us can do it) and basically make sure she's comfortable. So now we have 2 little kids and one invalid to take care of. I feel like we need some outside help, but DH thinks I'm exaggerating and it will not be a big deal. However , this is the WORST time for this for me--I have a crazy load at work (full-time, with major deadlines next 2 months and need to work nights, weekends), 2 little kids (toddler, baby) one still waking up at night to nurse, longish commute and DH is starting a new job so can't take off much time. I basically can't handle our life right now-- I am already the one to help her shower and dress every day, on top of which I plan the meals, cook, shop for kids, do all our bills and finances, most of the laundry and tidying (which is enormous since no one else picks up after themselves). I just feel like I am going to lose it after the surgery.

Do I insist we hire someone? see how it goes? run away with my toddler's gymnastics instructor? have you been in this position?

I know its the right thing to do. I just want to know the right way to do it.

and, while this is not totally related, I feel a little annoyed that DH takes it for granted that his mother will be here for 3 months and I will be doing a lot of the caring for her, since when my mother is here, he basically tries to limit her visits to under 5 days and is kind of a dick to her at times (granted she is more annoying that MIL is).

OP, I have not read all the posts. Does your MIL have a home health care policy? Do you know the waiting period (they vary)? I would have her make use of the policy and get a home health aid in for her.

[Anonymous]

My mom is on Medicare (with supplement) and after recent surgeries had home visits of nurses and also physical therapists.

This sounds like an unworkable situation but if you go ahead and do it, talk to the hospital about working this out.

[Anonymous]

My employer has a work/life division that helps employees find solutions to eldercare issues. If you or your husband work for a big employer, you might check and see if there are similar resources available to you.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the thoughts. I should refine my language—in terms of disabled. MIL walks with a cane and is worried about falling, but the disabled part will be her shoulder (she is getting a total shoulder replacement) so she will not be able to lift anything with that arm for 6 weeks which also means buttons, zippers, meal prep,etc. But she will be able to navigate, slowly, the stairs with help. We just put a bar in the shower, and a stool in there and we managed it yesterday—I stayed in the bathroom with her and helped her dry and dress-- but we’ll see how it goes after surgery.
DH and I talked about the logistics of post-op care and so far this is what we have worked out: doctor will strive to get MIL in a rehab facility for 2-3 weeks after the surgery. This will take the worst of the burden off us, when she needs constant care and will be in pain, etc. But then she’ll be with us 6 -10 weeks after that with limited mobility and lots of needs.
For phase 2, we will look into a home health aide once a day after that to help bathe, feed, and generally do what needs to be done, and if her insurance plus medicare do not cover, we will hire someone. She has enough money to help defray some of those costs, I think and certainly would want to. We may need to hire someone anyway to take her to physical therapy during the week.
Thirdly, DH agreed that we would do a combo of lets dish and another meal delivery plan for a bulk of meals for the next 2 months. I just can’t deal with it and don’t want to eat peanut butter sandwiches. We will also ask our cleaning lady to come once a week and get some babysitters on the weekends so I can get some work done then as well (or go to the gym, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the thoughts. I should refine my language—in terms of disabled. MIL walks with a cane and is worried about falling, but the disabled part will be her shoulder (she is getting a total shoulder replacement) so she will not be able to lift anything with that arm for 6 weeks which also means buttons, zippers, meal prep,etc. But she will be able to navigate, slowly, the stairs with help. We just put a bar in the shower, and a stool in there and we managed it yesterday—I stayed in the bathroom with her and helped her dry and dress-- but we’ll see how it goes after surgery.
DH and I talked about the logistics of post-op care and so far this is what we have worked out: doctor will strive to get MIL in a rehab facility for 2-3 weeks after the surgery. This will take the worst of the burden off us, when she needs constant care and will be in pain, etc. But then she’ll be with us 6 -10 weeks after that with limited mobility and lots of needs.
For phase 2, we will look into a home health aide once a day after that to help bathe, feed, and generally do what needs to be done, and if her insurance plus medicare do not cover, we will hire someone. She has enough money to help defray some of those costs, I think and certainly would want to. We may need to hire someone anyway to take her to physical therapy during the week.
Thirdly, DH agreed that we would do a combo of lets dish and another meal delivery plan for a bulk of meals for the next 2 months. I just can’t deal with it and don’t want to eat peanut butter sandwiches. We will also ask our cleaning lady to come once a week and get some babysitters on the weekends so I can get some work done then as well (or go to the gym, etc).

I think that sounds sensible! And don't be afraid to add more care/change things around if it isn't working.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound awesome. I don't know how you do it.
But I agree that you need to get your husband to listen to you. You can't do this right now. You just can not do it unless there are some major changes, or he hires a lot of help for MIL. Maybe he plans to do a lot of the work himself? He really should. (or hire someone.) Talk to him, together spell out how everything will get done. If you don't have time to do this, (sit with him and work it out), then you can't take this on.

[Anonymous]

Hire someone

[Anonymous]

OP, I know you said it was a busy time for you at work, but please remember that you may be eligible for FMLA, if you've been at your job for more than a year and work for a company with more than 50 people. It may be that you have reduced hours in the office for a few weeks, unpaid, with this sort of plan. Read your company benefits package, but just a reminder that you could take up to 12 weeks unpaid leave here, at least in theory.

I would say this for DH instead but it sounds like he isn't eligible, if he's in a new job.

[Anonymous]

The new plan sounds good, still more work for you, but manageable and for a good cause!

[Anonymous]

No way, OP. Your husband is taking advantage of you, and so is she. It must run in his family.