s/o introverts at large family get togethers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, the only place I act like an introvert is with my ILs. I am an extrovert, but not a big one, and all of them together overwhelm me. I am so glad for the opportunity to change my child's diaper or put him down for a nap (and then take a nap myself) or otherwise just get a little breather.

I know what you mean! ILs are so over-the-top and so go-go-go, they overwhem me more than anything else in my day-to-day life.

[Anonymous]

I grew up as an introvert in a family that valued extroversion, and was constantly fending off "oh, go call so and so and get out and do something!" and "you're sitting in your room reading all the time - what's wrong?" Vacations were the worst since my younger sister was always insisting we go places and do exciting things, while I just wanted to hang out or go exploring and soak up just being where we were. As an adult, married to a similarly introverted husband, here is how we cope with family pressure. A lot of it is about maintaining some autonomy and control even in a group/communal situation.
1. We get our own house/space whenever possible, even if it costs a little more, and if it's not right next door, even better. If wherever we are staying is one house big enough for the entire family to share, we deal, but we definitely take occasional breaks by running errands or going for walks by ourselves or with only our kids.
2. My family takes an annual beach vacation. My parents and sister stay there, sharing 1 house, for 2 weeks and us for 1 week in our own house (b/c of limited vacation time, not because we dislike being there). We also have less disposable income. So when they want to fill up every minute with dinners out and mini golf and water parks and baseball games, we choose a few events that seem the most important and skip the rest. We tell them, "we drove 8 hours to be at the beach for a week, and we just want to relax and BE AT THE BEACH." If they don't like it, tough.
3. We try to avoid vacations where someone else is paying, because then they feel like they can control you. My parents wanted all of us to fly to Orlando for a family long weekend with my uncle's family. They were going to pay for the house but nothing else, which was very generous but the costs of flying all 4 of us there, renting a car, etc. meant our share of the house was a drop in the bucket. They also said they planned to hit a different park each day "as a family!!!"...argh! We appreciated the gesture but were annoyed b/c we felt like we were being forced into it, and everyone was assuming it was convenient and fun for us, which it was not. We were also running out of vacation time and I was facing losing my job, so we didn't want to drop $2000+ on this trip. So we said, sounds great but no thanks, explained that my work situation meant we can't afford it, and, just as problematic, it was not a holiday weekend for our employers and we didn't have enough vacation time to go. My parents basically armtwisted us into going by giving us their frequent flyer miles, but the compromise was we went for a shorter time than everyone else, only went to one park, and using the last of my vacation time for Disney meant we could not come visit my parents Thanksgiving weekend as usual b/c I had to work Friday.
4. If in any group housing situation, with family or friends, DH and I will take turns sneaking out for a solo walk/run while the other one runs interference.
5. DH and I are polite when pressured to do more! more! more!, but we are totally on the same page with the fact that we both need some quiet time and work hard to make sure each other gets it. We do not agree to plans with our families or anyone else without consulting each other.
6. We host everyone for a home-cooked dinner at our house or unit at least once during the trip. This demonstrates we want to be with them and do something social and bond and all that, but we have some control over the situation. Demonstrating that we want to be with them goes a long way toward offsetting hurt feelings that we don't want to hit the outlets en masse today...

If you haven't, read the book "QUIET: the power of introverts in a world that won't stop talking." It really justifies our existence and reinforces that our need for space and time to recharge is critical and important.

[Anonymous]

18:59 - THANK YOU! #3 especially

DH and I have no need for a "free" vacation - simply because its not free! There seems a cost that is dear and intangible. In addition, our vacation time is precious. The ILs idea of vacation is polar opposite of DH and our family.

I come from a loud extended family and DH's family is quiet, not extended, and very passive aggressive, arbitrary and controlling (certain family members will admit this and have purposely physically relocated from it; others will feign ignorance). I grew up being told not to trust quiet people. Which sounds absurd - until you are around too many quiet people as a non-quiet person.

Our families are opposite, and I seem to have accepted this. DHs families "getting to know me" was extremely long, drawn out and judgmental. Any inquiries were rather nosy and judgmental, and it just steamrolled from there. Not to mention how they have treated DH after all he has done for them.

So, part of it is about personality and maturity level of those involved. Not saying one thing and treating others another way, but being able to accept those who are different and not being threatened by it - being a truly good person not just claiming to be a good person. Some of it is the degree of how introverted/extroverted one or more parties are.

But in my experience, most of it is how accepting someone is and having the type of personalities that do NOT take everything personally!

[Anonymous]

I'm a very clear extrovert (in the Myers-Briggs sort of way) but my ILs totally overwhelm me and I get in those cases what it must be like to be an introvert (feeling that everyone is speaking too loudly, talking too much, not thinking about what they are saying, etc).

They think I am super introverted. really, I am just exhausted.

[Anonymous]

I think some people are confusing what in introvert means. An introvert is someone who must recharge post social interaction. It does not mean that specific people (in laws) exhaust them. If you are exhausted by your in laws, it's because of your relationship with your in laws, not because you are introverted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some people are confusing what in introvert means. An introvert is someone who must recharge post social interaction. It does not mean that specific people (in laws) exhaust them. If you are exhausted by your in laws, it's because of your relationship with your in laws, not because you are introverted.

Actually if we're talking Mayers-Briggs, people are either leaning towards being extroverted, or leaning towards being introverted. Rarely are you completely one or the other. Each has a scale of 10 on the M-B assessment, so you could be a 7 introvert and 3 extrovert, or a 7 extrovert and a 3 introvert.

Also, it changes over time and is often dependent on your circumstances.

I know we humans like to label but it's very much like belonging to a political party. There is a spectrum and few people are far left or far right; most people are somewhere in the middle and no one I know every 100% agrees with their party lines, 100% of the time.

[Anonymous]

" An introvert is someone who must recharge post social interaction. "

As the PP said, it is a spectrum, and I do have to recharge after the ILs, though other people I find recharging themselves! But I am low-scoring extrovert.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have learned to sneak alone time by pretending to be selfless. During group vacations, we are the ones who will happy run out to get supplies. We'll even assure the rest of the group that we don't need to be paid back; it's worth it to each of us to spend half an hour alone with a shopping cart.

[Anonymous]

Amen to what 18:59 wrote here:

"3. We try to avoid vacations where someone else is paying, because then they feel like they can control you."

This sounds EXACTLY like my in-laws and it's just a CONSTANT battle! It doesn't help matters that 38yo SIL laps up the financial assistance and then comes running back for more, so we are always the only ones saying, "Thanks but no thanks. We are adults and we are happy to pay our own way." Drives me batty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have learned to sneak alone time by pretending to be selfless. During group vacations, we are the ones who will happy run out to get supplies. We'll even assure the rest of the group that we don't need to be paid back; it's worth it to each of us to spend half an hour alone with a shopping cart.

This is a good idea!

[Anonymous]

I watch tv and smile. I probably look crazy but hey, I get awkward when I speak. I either overshare or say something inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Here is my solution:

I get up earlier than everyone else (even if that means 4:30 in the morning) and shower and do my hair/makeup in peace, then I go down and make a big breakfast for everyone. That way I get some alone time, and I get to interact with people one by one (as they come into the kitchen, fix a plate, and go sit down), and they all enjoyed the breakfast so much that they don't think to question why I need a nap that afternoon (even if I really just hide in my room).