s/o introverts at large family get togethers

[Anonymous]

So the SIL thread got me curious...

If you would describe yourself as introverted / shy / prone to social anxiety, how do you cope with large family get-togethers?

My husband is much more introverted than I am, and while I know he looks forward to these events (i.e. family beach week with his parents and sister's families, similar events with my large extended family), it seems that every trip we get in some sort of argument because he turns all silent and uncommunicative just when I am seeking his active participation the most -- for example, when I'm running interference with my in-laws. He can be a pretty social guy, and definitely enjoys a good party, but some of the responses on the other thread have me thinking maybe I just need to be more accepting of the fact that he really does just need to withdraw for awhile in these types of situations. This isn't something he's great at talking about (see "uncommunicative" above ) so if you have similar inclinations, I'd be interested to hear how you feel about these things.

[Anonymous]

I make sure that I have a private place to go (like my/our own room) and remove myself when I need a break, so that I am refreshed for family time. So for example, I might run an errand alone, go for a walk alone, take a nap/rest quietly in my room during some family activities or times when everyone else is hanging out in the communal area.

For me, a big part of being a socially successful introvert is knowing my limits and not feeling bad when I need to take a break.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I schedule almost regular periods for downtime: a walk, some time to read, etc. Knowing I will have this regularly is just about as important to me as knowing I'll be getting a meal on a regular basis. It's just want I need to periodically recharge my batteries so that I can go back to the group and be social and a functioning human being.

But, if denied this, just as if someone else is denied a meal once, then maybe twice, then maybe again -- I start getting stupd-cranky, snappish, and certain exert other behaviors which can be seen as rude. Yet to me, it feels perfectly normal behavior in response to such an unchallenging and unwelcoming atmosphere, one which did not give me my regularly scheduled "meal" of downtime.

[Anonymous]

When I was a kid it overwhelmed me so much that I used to go tell my mother I was "tired" from the trip there, and she'd send me to go ask my cousin if I could nap on her bed. I wasn't tired. I was bored and my nerves were fried and needed to re-set.

Now I just go hang with someone physically on the fringe. The one or two people prepping in the kitchen (usually an aunt), the socially awkward spouse who doesn't feel like s/he is part of the family yet, etc. Sometimes I go play with the kids if they're not in shrieky mode. Sitting on the floor playing puzzles can be relaxing.

You know how at the end of a party some people are all "I talked to every single person there! TWICE!" and others are all "I got to know Julie REALLY well!"? Well, I'm the second person.

Also, I collapse after a party. Nothing is planned for after it. Go home, sit by myself, zone out. I sleep really hard that night. I would NEVER do one of those house-share things, because it'd be way too much for me.

[Anonymous]

I find a way to get some quiet time. I don't need much, just a few minutes to myself. Even an extended bathroom break works, if desperate enough.

And after a day with people I'm done. I need time to recharge.

[Anonymous]

I once went to JazzFest with a large group of friends. The first night, one of them said "Please don't worry if I disappear occasionally over the next couple of days. I just need alone time sometimes. It doesn't mean I'm upset or unhappy or anything. I'm just taking a breather." And she did. And since we knew to expect it, we didn't worry about her.

I'm not that bad, but I'm not used to kid noise and big groups, so I also plan little quiet escapes. My ILs are not as understanding -- they think I'm stand-offish and don't like kids. Doesn't matter how much I try to explain that I just need some space.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I'm fairly introvered and do not love big gatherings with lots of people. So I try to schedule down time for myself, or focus on just talking to one or two people, or take some time away to play with the kids in the family while other adults socialize. That being said, I know that as an adult it is my responsibility to be appropriately responsive when other people try to talk to me, so I make sure that I do so as much as necessary and then excuse myself politely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once went to JazzFest with a large group of friends. The first night, one of them said "Please don't worry if I disappear occasionally over the next couple of days. I just need alone time sometimes. It doesn't mean I'm upset or unhappy or anything. I'm just taking a breather." And she did. And since we knew to expect it, we didn't worry about her.

I'm not that bad, but I'm not used to kid noise and big groups, so I also plan little quiet escapes. My ILs are not as understanding -- they think I'm stand-offish and don't like kids. Doesn't matter how much I try to explain that I just need some space.

My ILs are like this too. It's in stark contrast to my own family vacations (on both my mother's and father's sides) where people were basically allowed to do whatever they wanted: we're at the beach? people read, go oulet shopping, go down to the water, whatever floats their boat. we're at a lake? same thing, people do whatever they want, we all get together for dinner at night-time. But, with my in-law vacations, everybody is expected to do the same thing at the same time, and everybody goes, "What's the matter with so-and-so? What's the matter? Is somethign wrong? What happened?" if someone breaks off for a bit to do their own thing. It is always a federal case if I try to get downtime. You woudl think someone karate-chopped grandma and threw kerosene and a match onto her prone body on the floor. IT's viewed as THAT much of a big deal.

[Anonymous]

I'm an introvert, but family gatherings are one of the few large group things that I love. The reason I love them is that at least in our family they really aren't everyone all in the same room, rather they end up spread all over a house with a group in every room. So I can wander from small group to small group catching up with all my family that I love, without ever being in a group of more than 4 or 5 people, or hole up in a side room and just visit with whomever wanders by. Especially if you stay out of the main living room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: My ILs are like this too. It's in stark contrast to my own family vacations (on both my mother's and father's sides) where people were basically allowed to do whatever they wanted: we're at the beach? people read, go oulet shopping, go down to the water, whatever floats their boat. we're at a lake? same thing, people do whatever they want, we all get together for dinner at night-time. But, with my in-law vacations, everybody is expected to do the same thing at the same time, and everybody goes, "What's the matter with so-and-so? What's the matter? Is somethign wrong? What happened?" if someone breaks off for a bit to do their own thing. It is always a federal case if I try to get downtime. You woudl think someone karate-chopped grandma and threw kerosene and a match onto her prone body on the floor. IT's viewed as THAT much of a big deal.

This is how my husband's family is at any kind of gathering. When we were dating and were with his family at a party, they all thought I didn't like them because I wasn't dancing. They kept coming up to me and telling me to dance. I'm usually the one who is off in a corner conversating with one or two people. But the music was so loud it was impossible to talk to anyone. At my own wedding reception, his cousin runs up to me and says in a very worried tone, "why isn't your whole family dancing?" I looked at her with a puzzled expression and said, "I guess they don't want to dance?" It was funny, because I actually thought more of my family was dancing than I had ever seen before.

[Anonymous]

My kids are a life saver at these events because they keep me busy and engaged. I will be screwed when they start to get older and require less supervision. It's really tough. I love my MIL and FIL but DH's siblings and I seem to have a forced, awkward relationship. I hate small talk and silence doesn't bother me so I'm sure it's just as awkward for them. Luckily DH is also an introvert so we typically just stay glued together. He's usually the one that wants to leave early. I do much better when people visit me but don't feel myself in someone elses's home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are a life saver at these events because they keep me busy and engaged. I will be screwed when they start to get older and require less supervision. It's really tough. I love my MIL and FIL but DH's siblings and I seem to have a forced, awkward relationship. I hate small talk and silence doesn't bother me so I'm sure it's just as awkward for them. Luckily DH is also an introvert so we typically just stay glued together. He's usually the one that wants to leave early. I do much better when people visit me but don't feel myself in someone elses's home.

This describes me too. Silence does not bother me: in fact, silence is golden and a very welcome respite, esp. after a lot of chitter-chatter. But my in-laws fear silence and leap to fill it at any given moment.

[Anonymous]

I have a big loud Chinese family (ever see the Wedding Banquet? My family get-togethers often feel like that). My wife's family is much more introverted and quiet. She keeps a list of things she needs to get done and will excuse herself to take care of them periodically when she needs a break. Last week when we visited for a major milestone birthday, my wife took time to do a little bit of laundry for our kids, took some time to organize all of the stuff that had gotten strewn about our room so that packing was easier on the last day, then got some packing in advance of leaving. Once, she even just went to take a nap. My family took it all in stride. It is up to the more extroverted partner to run interference between his/her family and the introverted partner otherwise there will be resentment of not wanting to visit that family. I run interference and keep my family from overwhelming my wife so that she won't ever resent visiting my family. Likewise, she helps keep me from puling out my hair in frustration when we visit her family (a different topic).

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty extroverted in social situations, but I'm also used to having a lot of solo downtime after my daughter is asleep. (I'm single.) So family stuff can get overwhelming at times because there are just SO MANY PEOPLE, and they are everywhere. I admit - I wander off sometimes, and sometimes I just disengage. Or I'll assign myself the task of keeping an eye on the kids, because they only need the barest of supervision and I can kind of zone out, read my kindle, check Facebook and not have to engage with grownups. Cut your husband some slack, OP, especially when it's not *his* biological family.

[Anonymous]

You know, the only place I act like an introvert is with my ILs. I am an extrovert, but not a big one, and all of them together overwhelm me. I am so glad for the opportunity to change my child's diaper or put him down for a nap (and then take a nap myself) or otherwise just get a little breather.