SAHM and Dads: How did you know it was right for you?

[Anonymous]

I had the misfortune of being unemployed, not by choice, for my entire pregnancy.

During that 10 months I spent a lot of time observing nannies out and about in my neighborhood parks, bookstores, libraries (Chevy Chase DC), because that's where I was hanging out, anyway. I also observed daycare workers from the 3 daycares right around my house as they "aired the kids out" on those walks with ropes or in strollers that hold 8. I watched how the daycare workers interacted with the toddlers and preschoolers at the 2 big parks by my house (Livingston and Ft. Reno) and inside Chevy Chase Pavillion during rainy days.

That was all it took. Those daily observations of dozens of childcare workers, seeing what they did when parents weren't around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Emotionally, I just didn't want to send her to daycare. Before we moved to the new state, I worked at a great job, and had every intention of going back to that job at 8 weeks post partum. I don't know, if we had stayed in that state, if I really could have done that. I loved the job, but I don't know if I could have put my baby in daycare. And I just have this feeling that the kids who have the highest self-esteem in life are the ones who spent the majority of their early formative years with their mom. Nobody loves you like your mom. I had the chance to be able to fill all the days of her first few years with total love. This is no dig against kids who go to daycare- they have some skills that my daughter doesn't yet, like, I don't know, counting to 50. She can't do that. I don't think daycare is bad. I just wanted the positivity in my daughter's life that would come from spending the first part of her life home with me.

Thanks for qualifying your statement, but it really should be noted that your "feeling" about kids in daycare and self-esteem is, while perfectly valid as a personal feeling or opinion, not supported by any actual evidence. There are plenty of children I know in daycare - including my own son - who are doing just fine in terms of self-esteem, and I believe that adults other than parents can support the development of healthy self-esteem, because I've seen it work firsthand. My son is exposed to enormous amounts of positivity every day, has the opportunity to learn through play by interacting with other children, to accept from an early age that the world doesn't revolve around him (i.e. learning how to wait his turn, understanding the feelings/wants/needs of others), and that he will not be the best at everything. He also has the chance to see both of his parents achieve goals and has the security to know that mommy and daddy sometimes leave but that we will always come back, and that he will be cared for while we are gone. I believe this has instilled in him a great deal of confidence and self-reliance that will serve him well down the road. Would he be floundering if I stayed home with him every day? Of course not. Does he sometimes wish he had more of our attention? Most likely. Do we sometimes wish that life wasn't so hectic? Absolutely. But the bottom line is that there are pros and cons to every decision, and there is no need for us women to justify our own personal decisions by questioning the impact of others' choices. I applaud both men and women who can afford to stay home both financially and emotionally, because I know full well it is damned hard work, too. And I would likely suck at being a FT SAHM (PT for work/life balance might work) so if you are good at it, you are to be doubly applauded. I personally believe that my professional job is 10x easier than being a FT SAHM.

OP - I believe wholeheartedly in gut instinct. If you have the choice to stay home, and that is what your gut is telling you is right FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, then do it. If you have ambivalence, perhaps you might want to try daycare or a nanny for a while and then evaluate how you are feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're thinking it might be right for us, but not sure if we're chickening out because we're not happy with daycare options. What made you decide to stay home?

We decided to both keep working. We figured the kids would only need full time care for a few years, and we need to work for 30+ years more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I felt very strongly that I didn't want anyone but my boyfriend and I being the ones instilling values and morals in our kids.

That's funny. You're talking values but you're not married to the father of your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to raise my own kids - not ship them off to "school" for 10 hours a day with someone who likely didn't really care that much about them. I think that it is the best thing you can do for young children. It broke both my DH and my hearts to look at daycare when our first was born. We looked at how destitute the daycare's were for babies (we looked at a ton of centers) and realized there was no way we were going to do that to our children. DH doesn't earn much, but he has untraditional hours which make it better that I am home. If you can do it, I really would. It is such a wonderful experience .

I'm not a self starter. I was bored out of my skull being home. It's wonderful if you are temperamentally suited to it, and don't need external validation.

[Anonymous]

"There's only a few short years there in the beginning where you really get to fully enjoy them and that's what I wanted to do. "

But not all moms enjoy being with their kids 24/7 in those early years. I sure didn't. I needed to do something else for 45 hours of my week.

[Anonymous]

"Neither my DH or I are career/ wealth / success oriented people. We are far more into enjoying life and building relationships and spending time relaxing with friends and family so it worked for us. "

Excellent point and self analysis. I couldn't imagine SAH because I am a career/wealth/intellect stimulation/adult conversation/success oriented person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I felt very strongly that I didn't want anyone but my boyfriend and I being the ones instilling values and morals in our kids.

That's funny. You're talking values but you're not married to the father of your child?

I think this is in reference to the thread about questions to ask before playdates...so just someone making fun of a poster from that thread.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't imagine SAH because I am a career/wealth/intellect stimulation/adult conversation/success oriented person.

You should edit to say 'I am a career/wealth/adult conversation-oriented person, and I personally define both 'success' and 'intellectual stimulation' as necessitating external validation from a 3rd party employer."

Which is cool, all models are valid. But it's an untruth to assert that 'success' can only equal 'employment success.' And intellectual stimulation is highly personalized: some find it on the job, some find it by reading Dostoevsky or playing piano during naptime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Neither my DH or I are career/ wealth / success oriented people. We are far more into enjoying life and building relationships and spending time relaxing with friends and family so it worked for us. "

Excellent point and self analysis. I couldn't imagine SAH because I am a career/wealth/intellect stimulation/adult conversation/success oriented person.

PP about daycare here - how is this helpful? You are reacting to the perceived judgment of your choice with another judgment. We all need to dial it down - these decisions are not one-size-fits-all and a person's decision on these issues does not have a direct corrollation as to whether they are a "good" or "bad" person or parent. Why don't we all just worry more about creating the best life for our own families, and a little less about what other people are doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to raise my own kids - not ship them off to "school" for 10 hours a day with someone who likely didn't really care that much about them. I think that it is the best thing you can do for young children. It broke both my DH and my hearts to look at daycare when our first was born. We looked at how destitute the daycare's were for babies (we looked at a ton of centers) and realized there was no way we were going to do that to our children. DH doesn't earn much, but he has untraditional hours which make it better that I am home. If you can do it, I really would. It is such a wonderful experience .

I'm not a self starter. I was bored out of my skull being home. It's wonderful if you are temperamentally suited to it, and don't need external validation.

+1 Not to mention that the sarcastic use of the word school is uncalled for. At daycare my son was potty-trained before age 3, quietly sharing a meal at a table with other kids, and has learned many other skills that, because I am a first-time parent, I am not convinced I could have taught him by now on by own. My son's teachers have decades of experience in early childhood education, and I don't for a minute believe that I know more than them about how to instill these skills. Do I know my child better? Without a doubt. Do I love him more? I'm quite sure I do. But does this mean that they don't care for him deeply? Of course not. My son's current teacher has been wonderful with him and frankly has pointed out aspects of our son's personality and temperment that, upon further reflection, we realized she was 100% right about and that we just didn't see because it hard for us to be objective about our own child. And those realizations have unequivocally helped us be a better parent to him during a difficult period of toddlerhood. Again, ENOUGH with the self-righteousness.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why those who have differing opinions from others in the thread feel the need to come in and defend their choices and tell the others what they *should* have written. The question was, "How did you know it was right for you?" These are personal answers that people are giving about their *own* situations. If you love staying at home or going to work, it's your own choice, and you don't have to pad your answer to accommodate how the other person feels about THEIR choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why those who have differing opinions from others in the thread feel the need to come in and defend their choices and tell the others what they *should* have written. The question was, "How did you know it was right for you?" These are personal answers that people are giving about their *own* situations. If you love staying at home or going to work, it's your own choice, and you don't have to pad your answer to accommodate how the other person feels about THEIR choice.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Neither my DH or I are career/ wealth / success oriented people. We are far more into enjoying life and building relationships and spending time relaxing with friends and family so it worked for us. "

Excellent point and self analysis. I couldn't imagine SAH because I am a career/wealth/intellect stimulation/adult conversation/success oriented person.

PP about daycare here - how is this helpful? You are reacting to the perceived judgment of your choice with another judgment. We all need to dial it down - these decisions are not one-size-fits-all and a person's decision on these issues does not have a direct corrollation as to whether they are a "good" or "bad" person or parent. Why don't we all just worry more about creating the best life for our own families, and a little less about what other people are doing?

I am the first PP here and I didn't take the second PPs response as judgment of me anymore than mine was judgment of anyone else. People value and prioritize different things in life.

[Anonymous]

I stay at home. It's not all roses, but I figure that DD is only going to be with me full time for 3 years (then she'll start preschool part time) and that seems like such a short time out of our lives. I would hate to miss it and I know that, if I did, I would regret it later on in life. I love watching her grow and develop, being there for every first - first step, first "mama," first "no," and being the center of her universe. We are very fortunate that I do not have to work, finances-wise.