SAHM and Dads: How did you know it was right for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to raise my own kids - not ship them off to "school" for 10 hours a day with someone who likely didn't really care that much about them. I think that it is the best thing you can do for young children. It broke both my DH and my hearts to look at daycare when our first was born. We looked at how destitute the daycare's were for babies (we looked at a ton of centers) and realized there was no way we were going to do that to our children. DH doesn't earn much, but he has untraditional hours which make it better that I am home. If you can do it, I really would. It is such a wonderful experience .

I'm not a self starter. I was bored out of my skull being home. It's wonderful if you are temperamentally suited to it, and don't need external validation.

My "external validation" came from knowing what an awesome thing I was giving my children.

If the daycare is "destitute" then you're not looking at the good ones. Or maybe you're misusing the word. We can rest assured that the workforce isn't missing your spelling and grammar skills.

Seriously? My grammer skills? We did look at great centers. You are just disillusioned if you think your sweet little baby is happy stuck in a one room day care center with 8 other babies and two workers that barely speak english. Even if they are "great," they have so much work to do changing diapers and feeding babies their bottles that they don't have the time to love and cuddle on your kid. News flash - that is YOUR job. I stand firm that little babies should NOT be in day care. Preschoolers are a different story, IMHO. I think that they can learn a lot from day care and it can be an enriching experience. I still choose not to use them. That's ok, you can attack me. But at the end of the day, you know deep down in your heart that you are choosing work over your kids nearly everyday. No amount of calling me out will change that

You're just wrong. The amazing providers (3 for 6 toddlers, btw) love my son. And the reference to them barely speaking English - so you're racist AND ignorant. Wow, your kids are lucky to have you home with them, you snotty bitch.

How do you know they are amazing? Are you there all day? And yes, a 1:2 ratio is excellent. I am not racist or ignorant - I am just being honest. Nearly every center we looked at or are friends have their children in do not have providers or "teachers" that speak english well. Sometimes only one of them does. My kids are lucky to have me home taking care of them. I am not snotty, again, just honest. Something you have a hard time admitting to yourself. I once told a friend I reported a "teacher" hitting a kid at our neighborhood daycare that her kids attend. She turned a blind eye because she thought the center was awesome. I saw with my two eyes a provider hitting a kid. I reported it. Now her youngest is in the room with that lady. I still see her out there on the playground with the kids. Makes me sick that that kind of shit can happen and nobody does anything about it. So sad. So that's why I wouldn't put my kids there. I see all those violations on these so called "great" centers.

[Anonymous]

To address the OP's question. I actually went back to work when my oldest was 5 months old (school year timing got me the end of the year, and summer). I worked one full year, and despite having a caregiver I loved (and boy did she love ds), I really was unhappy about being away from him. The following year, I found a part time position, and for the last 7 years, have been working part-time in various positions, while needing minimal childcare for my 3 children. Next week, I will be interviewing, and if it comes through, I will be returning to a full-time position for the first time in 9 years. Our youngest will be starting K, and financially, we are just tired of finances being tight. This area is so expensive, and living on one salary is hard, especially if the FT spouse/partner only makes around 100K. I will say, I think the reason I got called so quickly to interview was because I continued to work, when I was home. (my part-time work either involved places I could bring my children, or was at their schools). I have friends (also teachers) who have been off completely, and are finding a bit of a tough time even getting in the door, even with prior experience. If you are really thinking of it, I would encourage you to find ways to keep up with colleagues, and find part-time work if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to raise my own kids - not ship them off to "school" for 10 hours a day with someone who likely didn't really care that much about them. I think that it is the best thing you can do for young children. It broke both my DH and my hearts to look at daycare when our first was born. We looked at how destitute the daycare's were for babies (we looked at a ton of centers) and realized there was no way we were going to do that to our children. DH doesn't earn much, but he has untraditional hours which make it better that I am home. If you can do it, I really would. It is such a wonderful experience .

I'm not a self starter. I was bored out of my skull being home. It's wonderful if you are temperamentally suited to it, and don't need external validation.

My "external validation" came from knowing what an awesome thing I was giving my children.

That's not external validation. Good for you for not needing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We decided before marriage to assume traditional gender roles, meaning I'd take care of children + everything domestic. It has to do with efficiency/comparative advantage and our personal definition of success in which SAH is a luxury.

Interesting. In our house, it's a tossup as to which of us makes more money in a given year, so there's no gender bias as to who should WOH. I will say I have the comparative advantage on household duties, but doing 100% of those just because I'm better at it would not make me happy. I also find it interesting that you see having a SAHP as a sign of success, instead of one parent's inability to earn enough to pay for quality childcare.

[Anonymous]

trollol wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I felt very strongly that I didn't want anyone but my boyfriend and I being the ones instilling values and morals in our kids.

That's funny. You're talking values but you're not married to the father of your child?

You know what's funny? Forcing a marriage because you're going to have a child. Very irresponsible.

No, it's irresponsible not to use birth control when you're having sex with someone you don't want to marry.

[Anonymous]

"FWIW, I know many people will disagree with me, but I feel for uor fmaily it's better to have someone be there with the kids after school so in a year, I will go part-time and be home in time to pick them up from school. "

You do realize there are choices other than kids being latchkey or a parent being there, right? Like afterschool care?

[Anonymous]

"The at-home person could do all of the domestic stuff (cleaning, errands, finances, home repair and maintenance) and could spend time making connections with other families at kids' schools or in the neighborhood."

But I wouldn't give up my great career even if we could have calmer lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i can't believe how many of you are judging a woman for being unmarried. who cares if she's unmarried? shame on you! there are a lot of values that matter to me, but whether someone is married or not certainly isn't one of them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I felt very strongly that I didn't want anyone but my boyfriend and I being the ones instilling values and morals in our kids.

That's funny. You're talking values but you're not married to the father of your child?

I do not want to pass along to my children the value of "It's okay to have a child out of wedlock." Is that okay with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was the best fit for us because DH works long hours and although he is a great person, I cannot imagine him pitching in 50% due to work pressure and a general inability to do domestic things. He is very old-school and was raised by his grandparents. I had the choice between working and likely doing 90% of the domestic upkeep or SAH and doing about 95% (he does keep a great garden). Chose to SAH so I wouldn't have to follow him around like a shrew telling him how to load a dishwasher, fold a onesie, etc-- all stuff he really doesn't have time to learn how to do.

My job was in elementary ed. so makes even more sense for me to SAH. I'll go back when the youngest of our 3 goes off to K.

My solution was to keep working and contract out a lot of the household stuff. At your pay rate, that wouldn't have made sense.

[Anonymous]

"Seriously? My grammer skills? We did look at great centers. You are just disillusioned if you think your sweet little baby is happy stuck in a one room day care center with 8 other babies and two workers that barely speak english. Even if they are "great," they have so much work to do changing diapers and feeding babies their bottles that they don't have the time to love and cuddle on your kid. News flash - that is YOUR job. I stand firm that little babies should NOT be in day care. Preschoolers are a different story, IMHO. I think that they can learn a lot from day care and it can be an enriching experience. I still choose not to use them. That's ok, you can attack me. But at the end of the day, you know deep down in your heart that you are choosing work over your kids nearly everyday. No amount of calling me out will change that ."

I own the fact that I wanted to work rather than SAH. My children were two of five children in a home daycare. They got plenty of love and attention, at daycare and from their parents. And they are now in elementary school and middle school, and absolutely no worse off than their friends who always had a SAHP. So I'm so glad I didn't interrupt my career for what would have been a dubious benefit.

[Anonymous]

"Plus we each had times in our relationship where the other didn't make money (during schooling) and through that experience realized that we didn't care if the other brought in money. I have friends where the mom wants to stay home and could easily stay home financially but the husband insists she bring in income. This isn't the case for us and we know that about ourselves - as much as we know we don't handle choas very well
"

This is very astute and self aware on your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"FWIW, I know many people will disagree with me, but I feel for uor fmaily it's better to have someone be there with the kids after school so in a year, I will go part-time and be home in time to pick them up from school. "

You do realize there are choices other than kids being latchkey or a parent being there, right? Like afterschool care?

Right, I know this. But like I said, for OUR family, me being home with them after school is the right choice. My kids are currently in daycare for such long hours that you would shake your head and probably call me an unfit parent. Because we both work and our school has such a late start time, some form of care is necessary and unavoidable, but they've been in daycare these long days and I want to avoid that if I can. Nothing wrong with aftercare at all. I think we probably can all agree that if you can avoid having your kids in daycare or SACC from 6.30 am to 5.30pm, you should do it, right?