SAHM and Dads: How did you know it was right for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why those who have differing opinions from others in the thread feel the need to come in and defend their choices and tell the others what they *should* have written. The question was, "How did you know it was right for you?" These are personal answers that people are giving about their *own* situations. If you love staying at home or going to work, it's your own choice, and you don't have to pad your answer to accommodate how the other person feels about THEIR choice.

I think you are referring to me. I am simply trying to give the OP a balanced view. When you have never experienced daycare, it is an emotional choice to make. I know b/c I had to face it. Simply hearing all of the personal opinions of the SAHM's on here gives OP nothing to think about other than the feeling that she will somehow be letting down her child if she doesn't decide to stay at home, which has just not been my experience. Again, these personal opinions about daycare being expressed on here are not based on experience, they are based solely on emotion and heresay. If there were any current SAHM moms on here who could speak to their experience in daycare and why they subsequently chose to stay home, that would be a balanced view. But they're not here. So I'm just trying to give the perspective from the other side of the equation.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with both parents working, and I longed for the kind of mom who was home when i was home from school, who was super involved with my school, and MOST importantly, who wasn't 100% stressed out juggling working and being a mom to 4 kids. I tended to absorb her stress, if that makes any sense. As I got older, I realized how stressed I would be in the same position, and how I knew I wouldn't be able to be a good mom (and I'm really talking me personally, not a judgement of other moms) if I worked. Also, I married a man who valued his own mother's being able to stay home, so that combined with our ability for us to afford my staying home really just made it all make a lot of sense. I'm home now with a 21-month-old, and a 9-week-old, and it's tough, but I can't think of anything else I'd rather be doing, and I know I'm giving them my best (well, most days at least). Also the idea of someone else raising them, and leaving them every day makes me ill to think about (again, NOT judging, just personal). Sometimes I actually think something is wrong with me for not being more career minded, but I think that's just my generation and society. If i'm totally honest with myself, I am doing what I want to be doing and what I/we feel is best - so that's what matters. such a personal choice. good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Neither my DH or I are career/ wealth / success oriented people. We are far more into enjoying life and building relationships and spending time relaxing with friends and family so it worked for us. "

Excellent point and self analysis. I couldn't imagine SAH because I am a career/wealth/intellect stimulation/adult conversation/success oriented person.

PP about daycare here - how is this helpful? You are reacting to the perceived judgment of your choice with another judgment. We all need to dial it down - these decisions are not one-size-fits-all and a person's decision on these issues does not have a direct corrollation as to whether they are a "good" or "bad" person or parent. Why don't we all just worry more about creating the best life for our own families, and a little less about what other people are doing?

I wasn't "reacting," I was drawing out the distinction. We could live on my husband's salary, but that isn't the right setup for us. We have a caregiver we love, we both have careers that we enjoy and that pay the bills. Our children are now in full time school, and I would really regret it now if I or DH SAH for the handful of years before the kids started school. I wasn't criticizing the poster's decision or values or anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I couldn't imagine SAH because I am a career/wealth/intellect stimulation/adult conversation/success oriented person.

You should edit to say 'I am a career/wealth/adult conversation-oriented person, and I personally define both 'success' and 'intellectual stimulation' as necessitating external validation from a 3rd party employer."

Which is cool, all models are valid. But it's an untruth to assert that 'success' can only equal 'employment success.' And intellectual stimulation is highly personalized: some find it on the job, some find it by reading Dostoevsky or playing piano during naptime.

You are right, and I accept your edits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Neither my DH or I are career/ wealth / success oriented people. We are far more into enjoying life and building relationships and spending time relaxing with friends and family so it worked for us. "

Excellent point and self analysis. I couldn't imagine SAH because I am a career/wealth/intellect stimulation/adult conversation/success oriented person.

PP about daycare here - how is this helpful? You are reacting to the perceived judgment of your choice with another judgment. We all need to dial it down - these decisions are not one-size-fits-all and a person's decision on these issues does not have a direct corrollation as to whether they are a "good" or "bad" person or parent. Why don't we all just worry more about creating the best life for our own families, and a little less about what other people are doing?

I am the first PP here and I didn't take the second PPs response as judgment of me anymore than mine was judgment of anyone else. People value and prioritize different things in life.

Second PP here. Thanks for taking my post as it was meant. My youngest child is 9. I know what works for us and what doesn't by this point in family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stay at home. It's not all roses, but I figure that DD is only going to be with me full time for 3 years (then she'll start preschool part time) and that seems like such a short time out of our lives. I would hate to miss it and I know that, if I did, I would regret it later on in life. I love watching her grow and develop, being there for every first - first step, first "mama," first "no," and being the center of her universe. We are very fortunate that I do not have to work, finances-wise.

Your post brings up a couple of other good points. Are you planning to have only the one child? If more, you may be out of work longer than three years. Also, are you 24 or 39? Missing three years out of a thriving career when you are 15 years closer to retiremment is much different than stepping out of the work force when you may not even be in your ultimate career yet.

[Anonymous]

For people who say they can't imagine someone else raising their kids...do you think that your working spouse isn't raising your kids either? I get what you're saying- that you want either yourself or your spouse caring for the kids rather than someone else during the day, but to say that daycare is raising your kids...well, that means that the partner who works isn't really raising your kids either, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Neither my DH or I are career/ wealth / success oriented people. We are far more into enjoying life and building relationships and spending time relaxing with friends and family so it worked for us. "

Excellent point and self analysis. I couldn't imagine SAH because I am a career/wealth/intellect stimulation/adult conversation/success oriented person.

PP about daycare here - how is this helpful? You are reacting to the perceived judgment of your choice with another judgment. We all need to dial it down - these decisions are not one-size-fits-all and a person's decision on these issues does not have a direct corrollation as to whether they are a "good" or "bad" person or parent. Why don't we all just worry more about creating the best life for our own families, and a little less about what other people are doing?

I wasn't "reacting," I was drawing out the distinction. We could live on my husband's salary, but that isn't the right setup for us. We have a caregiver we love, we both have careers that we enjoy and that pay the bills. Our children are now in full time school, and I would really regret it now if I or DH SAH for the handful of years before the kids started school. I wasn't criticizing the poster's decision or values or anything.

Point taken, so sorry. It just came across as snarky to me. One of the extreme limitations of forums such as this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with both parents working, and I longed for the kind of mom who was home when i was home from school, who was super involved with my school, and MOST importantly, who wasn't 100% stressed out juggling working and being a mom to 4 kids. I tended to absorb her stress, if that makes any sense. As I got older, I realized how stressed I would be in the same position, and how I knew I wouldn't be able to be a good mom (and I'm really talking me personally, not a judgement of other moms) if I worked. Also, I married a man who valued his own mother's being able to stay home, so that combined with our ability for us to afford my staying home really just made it all make a lot of sense. I'm home now with a 21-month-old, and a 9-week-old, and it's tough, but I can't think of anything else I'd rather be doing, and I know I'm giving them my best (well, most days at least). Also the idea of someone else raising them, and leaving them every day makes me ill to think about (again, NOT judging, just personal). Sometimes I actually think something is wrong with me for not being more career minded, but I think that's just my generation and society. If i'm totally honest with myself, I am doing what I want to be doing and what I/we feel is best - so that's what matters. such a personal choice. good luck!

That's what it's all about, folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had the misfortune of being unemployed, not by choice, for my entire pregnancy.

During that 10 months I spent a lot of time observing nannies out and about in my neighborhood parks, bookstores, libraries (Chevy Chase DC), because that's where I was hanging out, anyway. I also observed daycare workers from the 3 daycares right around my house as they "aired the kids out" on those walks with ropes or in strollers that hold 8. I watched how the daycare workers interacted with the toddlers and preschoolers at the 2 big parks by my house (Livingston and Ft. Reno) and inside Chevy Chase Pavillion during rainy days.

That was all it took. Those daily observations of dozens of childcare workers, seeing what they did when parents weren't around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why those who have differing opinions from others in the thread feel the need to come in and defend their choices and tell the others what they *should* have written. The question was, "How did you know it was right for you?" These are personal answers that people are giving about their *own* situations. If you love staying at home or going to work, it's your own choice, and you don't have to pad your answer to accommodate how the other person feels about THEIR choice.

I think you are referring to me. I am simply trying to give the OP a balanced view. When you have never experienced daycare, it is an emotional choice to make. I know b/c I had to face it. Simply hearing all of the personal opinions of the SAHM's on here gives OP nothing to think about other than the feeling that she will somehow be letting down her child if she doesn't decide to stay at home, which has just not been my experience. Again, these personal opinions about daycare being expressed on here are not based on experience, they are based solely on emotion and heresay. If there were any current SAHM moms on here who could speak to their experience in daycare and why they subsequently chose to stay home, that would be a balanced view. But they're not here. So I'm just trying to give the perspective from the other side of the equation.

How would you know that? how many years did you SAH for to be able to make this statement that you know both sides and that someone how your experience is the one that matters. And others opinion is just emotion and heresay? We get that you think SAH is pathetic. I think you should give OP some credit that she has looked at varying options and was interested in knowing how SAH parents came to the decision to stay at home. You jumping in to defend why daycare is so much better is just useless. Start a thread on how WOH p came to make the decision that that was right for them if you want to extol the benefits of daycare and bash SAHP. Why is it so awful for parents who SAH to talk about why that was right for them.

I SAH but guess what I worked in a a daycare for 8 years before I had children. Too bad you completely discount my experience as just emotion and heresay because it is different than yours. It isn't daycare that will be damaging to your kids, it is your narrow minded arrogance that what you think is right and what everyone else thinks is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why those who have differing opinions from others in the thread feel the need to come in and defend their choices and tell the others what they *should* have written. The question was, "How did you know it was right for you?" These are personal answers that people are giving about their *own* situations. If you love staying at home or going to work, it's your own choice, and you don't have to pad your answer to accommodate how the other person feels about THEIR choice.

I think you are referring to me. I am simply trying to give the OP a balanced view. When you have never experienced daycare, it is an emotional choice to make. I know b/c I had to face it. Simply hearing all of the personal opinions of the SAHM's on here gives OP nothing to think about other than the feeling that she will somehow be letting down her child if she doesn't decide to stay at home, which has just not been my experience. Again, these personal opinions about daycare being expressed on here are not based on experience, they are based solely on emotion and heresay. If there were any current SAHM moms on here who could speak to their experience in daycare and why they subsequently chose to stay home, that would be a balanced view. But they're not here. So I'm just trying to give the perspective from the other side of the equation.

How would you know that? how many years did you SAH for to be able to make this statement that you know both sides and that someone how your experience is the one that matters. And others opinion is just emotion and heresay? We get that you think SAH is pathetic. I think you should give OP some credit that she has looked at varying options and was interested in knowing how SAH parents came to the decision to stay at home. You jumping in to defend why daycare is so much better is just useless. Start a thread on how WOH p came to make the decision that that was right for them if you want to extol the benefits of daycare and bash SAHP. Why is it so awful for parents who SAH to talk about why that was right for them.

I SAH but guess what I worked in a a daycare for 8 years before I had children. Too bad you completely discount my experience as just emotion and heresay because it is different than yours. It isn't daycare that will be damaging to your kids, it is your narrow minded arrogance that what you think is right and what everyone else thinks is wrong.

No. I don't think that SAH is pathetic. I thought I made that really clear. I have good friends and family that have made that choice, and even though I work FT, I respect and admire what they are doing. And I never claimed to know both sides, only to represent the viewpoint of someone who did choose daycare for a variety of reasons. I was reacting to all of the clearly first time moms who said that the thought of daycare made them ill, etc etc. Since they've never experienced having a child in daycare, they can't really speak to what it is like - just their IDEAS about what it WOULD be like. Just like I can't speak to what it is like to be a FT SAHM (though I imagine it is damned hard, and likely not for me). Nor was I saying that daycare is better - just making the point that it is not the end of the world for your child, nor does it mean that you are any less of a parent. Calm down - I am not denigrating anyone's choices.

[Anonymous]

I SAH but guess what I worked in a a daycare for 8 years before I had children. Too bad you completely discount my experience as just emotion and heresay because it is different than yours. It isn't daycare that will be damaging to your kids, it is your narrow minded arrogance that what you think is right and what everyone else thinks is wrong.

Plus, just want to point out that I think you were the first person who had worked and then chosen to stay home who had weighed in, a viewpoint that I pointed out had been missing from the discussion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I think you are referring to me. I am simply trying to give the OP a balanced view. When you have never experienced daycare, it is an emotional choice to make. I know b/c I had to face it. Simply hearing all of the personal opinions of the SAHM's on here gives OP nothing to think about other than the feeling that she will somehow be letting down her child if she doesn't decide to stay at home, which has just not been my experience. Again, these personal opinions about daycare being expressed on here are not based on experience, they are based solely on emotion and heresay. If there were any current SAHM moms on here who could speak to their experience in daycare and why they subsequently chose to stay home, that would be a balanced view. But they're not here. So I'm just trying to give the perspective from the other side of the equation.

Not to beat a dead horse, but this was the point I was referring to, that I guess you missed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I felt very strongly that I didn't want anyone but my boyfriend and I being the ones instilling values and morals in our kids.

I hope you are trolling.

Having kids out of wedlock is immoral, so this leaves me to wonder if you were concerned about exposing your children to positive influences?

Lol, I'm not trolling. You and I do not share all of the same morals obviously. I expose my kids to LOTS of positive influences.