MIL madness, and grandchild does not even exist yet
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Anonymous
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I hang out on the babycenter site for in-law issues (Dealing With Inlaws) sometimes. There's definitely a strain of MILs and grandmothers who go completely insane and possessive about grandchildren. Not sure what's behind it -- I assume it's something to do with feeling like they had no other important role in life other than being a mother. They really do seem to be trying to relive motherhood. May also have something to do with aging.
Believe me, it is not a blessing to have a MIL like this. It's weird and invasive, and not conducive to having a healthy family relationship. |
Anonymous
I have seen this in grandmothers who took very little care of their own children, they are trying to catch that train... |
Anonymous
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The best advice I got about dealing with my smothering MIL is to nip it in the bud. If you let her be crazy and keep on crossing boundaries, you'll only get more defensive and angry, and then pretty soon you won't be able to stand having her around at all (even when she's being normal). It can be so hard to set boundaries, but it's actually not kind to her not to do it, because she'll end up alienating herself from you.
The most important thing to do right now is to stop discussing reproduction with her. She shouldn't even know that you are TTC. Every time she asks you a question about it, deflect it. Tell her outright that you don't really want to talk about it, and that you'll let her know when you have news. |
Anonymous
Yes, I agree with this. MIL went back to school and let her own mom take care of DH and his two sibs. She now thinks that she is supposed to play the same role in her grandchildren's lives, and SIL and I are like, "You are smoking crack, lady." |
Anonymous
OP here. I do try really hard to set boundaries with her. She says and does inappropriate things and I do call her on it. Thankfully, I've been very direct with her from the beginning. Thank god DH is really supportive and totally gets that she is cuckoo and does not tolerate the crazy. Last week, she told me that BIL better get married to a girl who listens to her. The hard part is that she is a really good person. She is nice and loving and cares a lot about me, which is more than many can say about their MIL but this issue is putting me over the edge. When she isn't being crazy, I actually have a great time with her. |
Anonymous
| Oh hell yes. WHY does your MIL know you are TTC? None of her business at all. |
Anonymous
| OP, does she live nearby or far away? My MIL sounds like yours but, blessedly, she lives about 10 hours away. I truly think our marriage would be in jeopardy if she lived close by. |
Anonymous
I bet that will happen! 
My MIL would NOT SHUT UP about how much she wanted a granddaughter--and ended up with 7 grandsons before she died! |
Anonymous
| Do not give her any information. |
Anonymous
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Wow. Yet another reason to thank God my MIL doesn't speak English.
If she's basically a decent person then I think you are going to have to learn not to take the bait and just let a lot of stuff slide. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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OP, I know that sounds frustrating. One thing I can say is that it sounds like she is talking to you in a way that basically admits that she knows she has issues and that what she is saying is a bit off. It also sounds like she actually likes you. My MIL, who I actually like, does not send me emails like this. She just DOES the things. If she emailed me something like "I could see myself being mad and jealous when..." it would be impossible for my husband to convince himself that she didn't mean something the way I took it, or that she was being nice and just said things the wrong way, and I wouldn't have to feel like I was always struggling to explain what she does and why it bothers me. I mean, in your case, it is obvious! But it also seems like she's reaching out and trying to share this with you. Even though this can be benign, and easier to face off to than the more subtle insulter / underminer, it's still not cool. In fact, your MIL sounds a lot like my mom. Needy, able to make everything about "her" and with so little impulse control she can't help herself from sending you emails she KNOWS will piss you off.
the only cure for this is a strong backbone and the ability to remind yourself: "deep breaths." |
Anonymous
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Here is what I wish someone had told me when I was in your spot:
Your family circumstances are about to change big time, and your MIL is negotiating her new place in it. With her email, she is saying, "Here is the type of grandmother I intend to be." Like in any negotiating process, she is starting with her ideal situation: what she wants and then some. If you gloss this over or don't reply, she will have (in her mind) gotten all of her terms and a go-ahead from you that it's OK for her to act like this. What you need to write is: "Bertha- I am glad you are so excited! It is important to me and Bill that our future child have loving and involved grandparents. (Although I certainly do hope that you are exaggerating when you say that nobody will be able to take as good care of the baby as you, since Bill and I plan on splitting involving many other family members, too! I wouldn't want you to be nervous.) The little dress sounds darling but I would wait until we have more information before buying anything. Thanks for sharing in our excitement. We will let you know when we have, and are ready to share, big news. In due time, Patrice |
Anonymous
| PP here: Omit needless "splitting." |
Anonymous
| Yeah my mil was like that and I promise it only gets worse. Cps threats for not letting her see "her baby" |