MIL madness, and grandchild does not even exist yet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I wish someone had told me when I was in your spot:

Your family circumstances are about to change big time, and your MIL is negotiating her new place in it. With her email, she is saying, "Here is the type of grandmother I intend to be." Like in any negotiating process, she is starting with her ideal situation: what she wants and then some. If you gloss this over or don't reply, she will have (in her mind) gotten all of her terms and a go-ahead from you that it's OK for her to act like this.

What you need to write is: "Bertha- I am glad you are so excited! It is important to me and Bill that our future child have loving and involved grandparents. (Although I certainly do hope that you are exaggerating when you say that nobody will be able to take as good care of the baby as you, since Bill and I plan on splitting involving many other family members, too! I wouldn't want you to be nervous.)

The little dress sounds darling but I would wait until we have more information before buying anything.

Thanks for sharing in our excitement. We will let you know when we have, and are ready to share, big news.

This. The OP needs to hire you to write her email responses to MIL and prep her and her husband on what to say when they deal with MIL.
In due time,

Patrice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I wish someone had told me when I was in your spot:

Your family circumstances are about to change big time, and your MIL is negotiating her new place in it. With her email, she is saying, "Here is the type of grandmother I intend to be." Like in any negotiating process, she is starting with her ideal situation: what she wants and then some. If you gloss this over or don't reply, she will have (in her mind) gotten all of her terms and a go-ahead from you that it's OK for her to act like this.

What you need to write is: "Bertha- I am glad you are so excited! It is important to me and Bill that our future child have loving and involved grandparents. (Although I certainly do hope that you are exaggerating when you say that nobody will be able to take as good care of the baby as you, since Bill and I plan on splitting involving many other family members, too! I wouldn't want you to be nervous.)

The little dress sounds darling but I would wait until we have more information before buying anything.

Thanks for sharing in our excitement. We will let you know when we have, and are ready to share, big news.

In due time,

Patrice

This. WELL SAID. The OP should hire this poster to write her email responses and prep her and her husband when they have to deal with MIL.

[Anonymous]

That reply back is good.

It is also really good that you and DH are on the same page and call her out on it. I might include a line that you don't really want to talk about babies until there is actually one on the way.

You and DH should talk a bit about the roles you see for your parents, what roles grandparents played in your life, etc. Those bigger discussions will help you frame the future and anticipate issues when your own expectations might not match up.

[FBO]

Damn. That response above is GOOD...

[Anonymous]

That email is OK but I still think its giving too much.

"Bertha,
It is so nice to hear you are excited that we are getting ready to start a family! Our future child will be so lucky to have you as a grandma. I hope you can understand, though, that we'd like to table the baby discussions until there is an actual baby on the horizon. Trying to conceive is an intense time and I don't want to put any more pressure on myself than I already feel. Rest assured you will be the first (well, second to know when there is any news. Until then, please understand if we don't want to share every detail about what we are going through.
All my love,
DIL

And after you write this email, OP, stop telling your MIL about your plans!!!! You kind of opened the door for this and you need to learn how to close it before it gets out of hand. You know who your MIL is and she's not going to change, so it's up to you and DH to decide how much you want to let her in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That email is OK but I still think its giving too much.

"Bertha,
It is so nice to hear you are excited that we are getting ready to start a family! Our future child will be so lucky to have you as a grandma. I hope you can understand, though, that we'd like to table the baby discussions until there is an actual baby on the horizon. Trying to conceive is an intense time and I don't want to put any more pressure on myself than I already feel. Rest assured you will be the first (well, second to know when there is any news. Until then, please understand if we don't want to share every detail about what we are going through.
All my love,
DIL

And after you write this email, OP, stop telling your MIL about your plans!!!! You kind of opened the door for this and you need to learn how to close it before it gets out of hand. You know who your MIL is and she's not going to change, so it's up to you and DH to decide how much you want to let her in.

I disagree that this one is better. Too much personal information in it.

[Anonymous]

tell her you are planning to adopt a three year old boy from some foreign country.

[Anonymous]

I think the responses are just giving her too much info. I'd not even reply at all. I'd do this to send the message that this is a topic not open for discussion and that any inquiries or attempts to speak about this will get no reply or information in return. I have a MIL like this and I have grown, after 9 years of marriage, to adopt this methodology and it is just about the only one that works. Every other type of reply, no matter how nicely worded or effectively "boundary-setting" it may be, it still is an engagement, and establishes that it is a topic that she is allwoed to engage you upon. I'd just not reply at all, b/c this is not a topic that is open for discussion with her.

Just my two cents from my own very humble experience with this. . .

[Anonymous]

I would not use either of those emails. Too much in both, too formal.

OP says she's close to her MIL, just that the MIL is crazy. She also says her DH totally supports her. A much better situation, really, gives her room to do whatever she needs to do.

I'd say:

Bertha,

Ha ha ha. You know you're a nut, right? I know you will be a great grandma and we can't wait to get there either, but you've got to chill until we get there. (And then you still need to chill! Take it easy on the "mad and jealous" stuff - I know you're just joking but it is making ME nervous!)

Hey, I haven't seen you in weeks. Can we do lunch and maybe some shopping? Since I'm not pregnant yet, no need to buy any baby clothes (enough pressure as it is!). But I DO need a new pair of ___. Let's see if there's a shoe sale at Nordy's and get into some trouble.

Love you,

DIL