Am I being fair to DH?

[Anonymous]

Terribly unfair. If he got a raise would you start doing more house work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both work full-time, but my job is much more demanding and I am the primary breadwinner. His job was a choice to keep him busy; he doesn't have to work. My job is necessary for our financial survival.

While I love our DD, my DH does a lot more work for her. He gets up in the middle of the night with her 80% of the time. Same with waking up early. He puts her to bed more often. We're both involved parents, but he does more of the dirty work. He also does more cleaning around the house than I do.

Sometimes he gets upset and snaps about this since we're both working full-time. However, my job is exhausting and necessary for our financial survival. I simply don't have the energy to do everything at home too. I think it's fair for him to do more at home since I'm providing financially. I understand that he works, but that's his choice; he doesn't have to if he can't keep up with the stuff at home too. Honestly I would love to quit my job and do all the stuff at home and have him bring in the money, but that's not our reality right now.

Am I being totally unfair to DH? What do you think?

I think you are being spectacularly unfair to your DH, OP. So he is only "allowed" to work if he can "keep up" with picking up your slack at home as well? Are you his wife, or his boss? It seems like you disagree with his choice to work, but in a partnership both sides should have a choice and come to an arrangement that works for both. So it seems like he does the lion's share of the work at home, and works full time, and he is sometimes resentful for this. Guess what, that is the price you pay. You clearly don't value his contribution because there are not enough $$ involved. Hopefully you value your relationship more and come up with a solution that works for everyone. Not to mention your kid, who probably would like spending more time with mom, but mom considers that "dirty work". Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the husband was the one in this situation, women would jump in to say...he needs to contribute more yada, yada...

So guess what, you need to contribute more. And you are being unfair. Money doesn't mean anything (and I'm also a DW that is the primary breadwinner with a higher stress job). Either you are partners, or you are not.

Wow, the feminist movement has backfired. Now women are expected to make more money and be equal to primary caretakers? It's a good time in history to be a man...

You really don't understand feminism at all do you?

[Anonymous]

OP, who makes more money is irrelevant. You say you both work full time - what does that mean? You both work 40 hours a week? You both work 60 hours per week? Or you work 60 and he works 40? If it's the latter - if you're putting in a ton more hours at your job - then it's the ONLY justification that I see that your DH take on more "dirty work" and child care responsibilities. Otherwise, you're not being fair.

FWIW, I am the primary breadwinner in my family - make three times as much as DH - but I also have a lot more flexibility at my job and the freedom to work at home three days a week. He has a strictly in-office job from 8 - 6 with a 30 minute commute each way, so he has a lot less time at home than I do. DH and I share child care equally, but I do a lot more of the laundry and daily clean up because I have the extra time that DH doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes. you are being unfair. its not about money.

you are both working parents. you both choose to work, for money or love of the game or whatever.

you should both contribute to childcare and the "dirty work."

i actually think its kind of sad that you think your husband *should* do more dirty work b/c you make more $ - that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard. its not a financial arrangement, its a marriage and a family.

and i saw this as a wife whose exhausting job pays more AND i do more for the kids. DH went from a high paying law firm job to a low paying govt one b/c he wanted the experience, the expertise, and he loves the law. i support that. i support his passion and his long hours. and if i put in more work than him, so be it; i'm doing it to support his passion., our marriage, and our family.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

I would like to know what "dirty work" is.

[Anonymous]

We're in the exact situation you describe but I really try not to be a tyrant about it.

The only time I pull ' i make more money and have amuch more demanding job' card is when the children are sick and someone needs to stay home - my job has to trump. Can't afford to lose my job but can afford to lose his.

[Anonymous]

He probably works because he feels like you undermine him.

[Anonymous]

OP - do you work more hours than DH? If you do I could understand the division of labor. If you don't work more hours than DH then you're not being fair to him. 40 hours a week of work is 40 hours a week of work (or whatever your numbers are).

And I agree with the PP that you may be undermining him. Are you constantly waiving your salary in front of him, even subtle comments? If so, no wonder he works "to keep himself busy".

[Anonymous]

Unqualified SAHM chiming in here. When I worked full time I did more and 70 percent of the night wakings. After I stopped I went to 95 percent of the night wakings. That is unfair. You are creating a sleepless monster.

You need to do night wakings on weekends regardless of how much money you earn. Anything less shows disrespect for your partner in parenting.

[Anonymous]

I am in your situation -- make 3 times what my husband does.

I wouldn't dream of putting my husband in this situation. We split all household chores 50/50. It sounds like you lack some sort of fundamental respect for your husband. The paradigm you have for him -- he's somehow a dilettante who's just breezing through his job but doesn't need to work just because he doesn't make big $$$$ is so insulting and disrespectful that it makes my jaw drop.

Do you value everything only via finances? Does making less money suddenly mean your spouse needs less sleep than you do? Less respect? Perhaps you are entitled to more of the household space too? More love from your children? More food? Where does it end, OP?

[Anonymous]

Best post ever, PP.

[Anonymous]

Outsource and hire help with some of that money you both earn!

Start with someone to clean your house every other week. That's the best money we spend, for sure.

Then ask your DH what would be most helpful to him. Meal service? Lawn care? Mothers helper type to come in the early evenings a few times a week? Babysitter one morning each weekend so you both can get errands done? Etc.

Beyond that, stop comparing incomes with DH and start being a true PARTNER. It's not about who earns more. It's about showing respect for your partner and being an equal parent to your children.

[Anonymous]

Agree that it's not about the money. If you have a spouse who is a medical resident, works close to 70 hours, but makes $55K, are you going to say that that work is "less important" because you, as a lawyer, make $200K and also work similar hours? (If anything, I'd say that the resident gets dibs on sleep. I'd rather have my doctor well rested than my attorney.)

[Anonymous]

I've been the SAHP for a short while and this is what I think:

You need to come to some sort of agreement about time spent working and time spent as a family and time spent doing domestic chores.

First: what level of domestic perfection do you all desire? If there are differences (e.g., one person likes a spotless home; the other is happy enough to see the floor now and then) you need to come to a happy agreement about standards.

Next: how much time together as a family, as a couple, and pursuing your own individual interests do you all want? What would that look like? Dinner every night? All day Saturday and Sunday? One date night a month? igure this out together, and hammer out a schedule.

Finally: How do you each feel about your roles and responsibilities? What does your partner do for you that you love? What can your partner do differently? And vice-versa?

Personally, I found that our point of conflict came from me, the SAHP, wanting a very perfectly tidy house; wanting to schedule lots of playdates; wanting to have guests over; wanting wanting wanting... Spouse worked long hours, and his domestic standards were lower. He was happy when I was happy, but he didn't want to spend his (I mean OUR) precious family time doing laundry, vacuuming, and so on to meet my admittedly high tidiness standards. Fine. We hired someone to do the bulk of this tedious work once a week for a few hours, and I, honestly, had to just relax my standards for the rest of the time. A delightful if hard-worn compromise.

As for getting up in the middle of the night: think of this this a vital parenting hazing process. It sucks for BOTH of you, but afterward, you'll both look back at those times with awe that you survived. In our case, we both got up, though the nursing mum took the brunt of the wakeups. The working father, however, was up at 4:30 in the morning getting a head start on his professional day. So, honestly, everyone was putting in 110%.