Am I being fair to DH?

[Anonymous]

DH and I both work full-time, but my job is much more demanding and I am the primary breadwinner. His job was a choice to keep him busy; he doesn't have to work. My job is necessary for our financial survival.

While I love our DD, my DH does a lot more work for her. He gets up in the middle of the night with her 80% of the time. Same with waking up early. He puts her to bed more often. We're both involved parents, but he does more of the dirty work. He also does more cleaning around the house than I do.

Sometimes he gets upset and snaps about this since we're both working full-time. However, my job is exhausting and necessary for our financial survival. I simply don't have the energy to do everything at home too. I think it's fair for him to do more at home since I'm providing financially. I understand that he works, but that's his choice; he doesn't have to if he can't keep up with the stuff at home too. Honestly I would love to quit my job and do all the stuff at home and have him bring in the money, but that's not our reality right now.

Am I being totally unfair to DH? What do you think?

[Anonymous]

yes. you are being unfair. its not about money.

you are both working parents. you both choose to work, for money or love of the game or whatever.

you should both contribute to childcare and the "dirty work."

i actually think its kind of sad that you think your husband *should* do more dirty work b/c you make more $ - that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard. its not a financial arrangement, its a marriage and a family.

and i saw this as a wife whose exhausting job pays more AND i do more for the kids. DH went from a high paying law firm job to a low paying govt one b/c he wanted the experience, the expertise, and he loves the law. i support that. i support his passion and his long hours. and if i put in more work than him, so be it; i'm doing it to support his passion., our marriage, and our family.

[Anonymous]

This feels like flame bait given the too obvious rearrangement of the traditional gender roles.

But, my answer would be exactly the same if DH was the one who thought he had the more important job on which the family paycheck survived and he held an expectation that his wife, who chooses to have a silly little job to keep her busy, be expected to do the majority of the domestic "dirty work:" Yes, you are being unfair.

The fact that he earns less or chooses to work outside the home doesn't change the fact that his time is allocated the same way yours is. Suck it up and contribute more at home.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised by the responses so far. I think if one parent is bringing home the money it's fair for the other parent to do more of the housework, regardless of genders. It sounds like this couple has too much on the plate and maybe the parent making less should think about working part-time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both work full-time, but my job is much more demanding and I am the primary breadwinner. His job was a choice to keep him busy; he doesn't have to work. My job is necessary for our financial survival.

While I love our DD, my DH does a lot more work for her. He gets up in the middle of the night with her 80% of the time. Same with waking up early. He puts her to bed more often. We're both involved parents, but he does more of the dirty work. He also does more cleaning around the house than I do.

Sometimes he gets upset and snaps about this since we're both working full-time. However, my job is exhausting and necessary for our financial survival. I simply don't have the energy to do everything at home too. I think it's fair for him to do more at home since I'm providing financially. I understand that he works, but that's his choice; he doesn't have to if he can't keep up with the stuff at home too. Honestly I would love to quit my job and do all the stuff at home and have him bring in the money, but that's not our reality right now.

Am I being totally unfair to DH? What do you think?

I think this is where u r not fair. He needs to work to, and to keep thinking or telling him that he should quit bc he doesn't make enough money is not fair - unless he himself wants to quit and be sahd. But then you'd probably resent him and your arrangement even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised by the responses so far. I think if one parent is bringing home the money it's fair for the other parent to do more of the housework, regardless of genders. It sounds like this couple has too much on the plate and maybe the parent making less should think about working part-time.

They both work full time. The fact that one spouse earns less than the other does not make her (or him) an indentured servant. If the dad were home full time, I'd agree with you, but he's also working a FT job, according to OP.

[Anonymous]

If the husband was the one in this situation, women would jump in to say...he needs to contribute more yada, yada...

So guess what, you need to contribute more. And you are being unfair. Money doesn't mean anything (and I'm also a DW that is the primary breadwinner with a higher stress job). Either you are partners, or you are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the husband was the one in this situation, women would jump in to say...he needs to contribute more yada, yada...

So guess what, you need to contribute more. And you are being unfair. Money doesn't mean anything (and I'm also a DW that is the primary breadwinner with a higher stress job). Either you are partners, or you are not.

Wow, the feminist movement has backfired. Now women are expected to make more money and be equal to primary caretakers? It's a good time in history to be a man...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised by the responses so far. I think if one parent is bringing home the money it's fair for the other parent to do more of the housework, regardless of genders. It sounds like this couple has too much on the plate and maybe the parent making less should think about working part-time.

If the dad was a sahd then I would think yeah, do more of the cleaning and cooking but he works full time too! How many extra hours a week do you work op? Pre kids when I was working full time and dh was in residency working 80+ hours a week I certainly picked up more of the housework even though at the time I was earning more. Don't put a price value on your husband.

If you have extra income because he's working then I suggest you get someone to clean your house, mow your lawn, and order groceries. Then start doing more time with your daughter or she will realize it soon enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the husband was the one in this situation, women would jump in to say...he needs to contribute more yada, yada...

So guess what, you need to contribute more. And you are being unfair. Money doesn't mean anything (and I'm also a DW that is the primary breadwinner with a higher stress job). Either you are partners, or you are not.

Wow, the feminist movement has backfired. Now women are expected to make more money and be equal to primary caretakers? It's a good time in history to be a man...

Ah, and here our OP finally admits to trolling.

[Anonymous]

I think it's less about money and more about the job. I'm a primary breadwinner who makes nearly twice what my husband makes. But he's a Fed who just started his job and has a very inflexible schedule with commuting and long hours. I work from home and have a lot of flexibility, so I end up doing the vast majority of the stuff that needs to be done. It sucks and I get resentful from time to time, but he did the same for me when I went back to work after maternity leave and he was working part time.

So I think the OP is right but not because she makes more money...more because her job is more demanding.

[Anonymous]

OP, both parents should contribute equal time to the good of the family. Don't measure money, measure hours.

If you work 80 hours a week at your demanding job (and you really are working all those hours, not goofing off and calling it work) and your spouse only works a 40 hour work week, then yeah, your spouse should be doing more of the work around the house. Although additionally I think more of the money you earn should go towards hiring outside help for the housework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's less about money and more about the job. I'm a primary breadwinner who makes nearly twice what my husband makes. But he's a Fed who just started his job and has a very inflexible schedule with commuting and long hours. I work from home and have a lot of flexibility, so I end up doing the vast majority of the stuff that needs to be done. It sucks and I get resentful from time to time, but he did the same for me when I went back to work after maternity leave and he was working part time.

So I think the OP is right but not because she makes more money...more because her job is more demanding.

She thinks hers is more demanding. That's her perception. She clearly doesn't value what he does so she may discount its demands.

She may also make her job more demanding than it needs to be. She sounds very rigid and whiny, so if she brings those traits to the office, I could see how she may create unnecessary conflict. She may also be disorganized.

[Anonymous]

I think that what matters more than how much each of
earn is your respective hours. If you need to work 10 hour dayz to his 8, then i think it is fsir for him to have more responsibility...basicslly, my opinion is that what is fsir is for each partnrr to hsve roughly equal demands on their time sand opportunity for down time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, both parents should contribute equal time to the good of the family. Don't measure money, measure hours.

If you work 80 hours a week at your demanding job (and you really are working all those hours, not goofing off and calling it work) and your spouse only works a 40 hour work week, then yeah, your spouse should be doing more of the work around the house. Although additionally I think more of the money you earn should go towards hiring outside help for the housework.

This is a very good point and we know she can't argue they can't afford the outside help since, you know, dh doesn't really need to work his silly job.