Need some perspective about trying for a 3rd kid at 34

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for your lovely responses.

To those that asked where I live: I live in Arlington, but my family is from southern Virginia and all of my siblings had finished having their kids by the time they were 27-30. So, by comparison, I am older. Plus, I do believe that my failure to conceive naturally (or even after multiple attempts at IVF), and the fact that IVF statistics are so abysmal for the 35+ crowd makes me feel old. Just a psychological hang-up due to infertility.

Thanks. I feel a little bit better about embarking upon TTC again...despite being older than I had hoped to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you had children at 35+, did you feel that you were too out of touch with your children? Do you worry that you will be leaving your children at too young an age? Do you feel embarrassed about having children later in life? Do you think your relationship with your children is impacted by your age?

Any advice for me in making the decision to try again?

38 for number one, 42 for number two and 47 for number 3. No, I don't feel out of touch with my kids. That's probably because I'm involved. I'm in PTA. I volunteer. I go to all of the birthday parties. I host playdates, carpool, spend every day in the summer at the pool. I attend all of my kids activities. I keep up on technology and on the latest in things and on the things that they are interested in. I work at being in touch. But, so do the twenty something mom set.

Whether you're a young or old parent, you're going to leave your kids, hopefully. My parents weren't old, but my dad died when I was 18 and my mom died when I was 38. No guarantees.

No, I am not embarrassed at being an older parent. Why would I be.

Yes, my relationship is impacted by being older. I don't sweat the small stuff. I am so much better at navigating the school issues than parents with less life experience. I have way more patience now than when I was younger. I have the money to take great trips with my kids. Because I'm older, I work harder than most to keep myself in shape so I am a good biking and running partner for my kids. I spend tons of time holding and talking with my kids because I know it's more important than, say cleaning my house. I would say that the impact of age has been positive. And, before someone mentions lack of energy, I run circles around my kids so that isn't a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you had children at 35+, did you feel that you were too out of touch with your children? Do you worry that you will be leaving your children at too young an age? Do you feel embarrassed about having children later in life? Do you think your relationship with your children is impacted by your age?

Any advice for me in making the decision to try again?

38 for number one, 42 for number two and 47 for number 3. No, I don't feel out of touch with my kids. That's probably because I'm involved. I'm in PTA. I volunteer. I go to all of the birthday parties. I host playdates, carpool, spend every day in the summer at the pool. I attend all of my kids activities. I keep up on technology and on the latest in things and on the things that they are interested in. I work at being in touch. But, so do the twenty something mom set.

Whether you're a young or old parent, you're going to leave your kids, hopefully. My parents weren't old, but my dad died when I was 18 and my mom died when I was 38. No guarantees.

No, I am not embarrassed at being an older parent. Why would I be.

Yes, my relationship is impacted by being older. I don't sweat the small stuff. I am so much better at navigating the school issues than parents with less life experience. I have way more patience now than when I was younger. I have the money to take great trips with my kids. Because I'm older, I work harder than most to keep myself in shape so I am a good biking and running partner for my kids. I spend tons of time holding and talking with my kids because I know it's more important than, say cleaning my house. I would say that the impact of age has been positive. And, before someone mentions lack of energy, I run circles around my kids so that isn't a problem.

+1 I don't even consider a first child at age 34 an "older" mom. You are probably comparing yourself to your siblings, OP, but open your eyes and look around you at all the gray-haired moms in this area! Geeze, you'll still be a younger mother if you give birth at 35.

If you want a third child, go for it. If you can afford IVF, why not? I'd have had four if my fertility had not given out. I love having young children at my advanced age. Love it and them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I value the insight and "scar tissue" that one gains through life and am hoping that some of you in the 50+ crowd can share your perspective to help me decide whether 34/35/36 is too "old" to have a child (if we are lucky enough to be able to conceive again).

My husband and I have dealt with fertility issues for the past six years and were lucky enough to be able to have 2 kids (now 3.5 and 0.5 yrs old). I recently turned 34 and am struggling with whether we should try for a 3rd kid. I never intended to be an "older" mother and am worried that I will feel that I have cheated my children or will feel too "old" when my children go to school. I'm sure that part of this anxiety is driven by my sense that I failed to achieve my life goal of being a "younger" mother and that my time line is "off." I realize that life isn't fair and the best laid plans don't always work out. I also certainly don't want to offend anyone by saying that 34 is "old."

This being said...

If you had children at 35+, did you feel that you were too out of touch with your children? Do you worry that you will be leaving your children at too young an age? Do you feel embarrassed about having children later in life? Do you think your relationship with your children is impacted by your age?

Any advice for me in making the decision to try again?

As an older mom, I'm offended you'd even think to ask this!

What you're really asking is if we're embarrassed to be "old."

Good Lord! Do your #3 a favor by NOT having him/her. With your mindset, you're likely to scar the little one.

[Anonymous]

I think you are not too old if you are ready to be premenopausic when your kid is a teen ager, my friend went through this and said it was hard, her daughter going throuhg hormones and she also, so think, do you have the energy and money and time?

[Anonymous]

I have only 1 kid and had her when I was 34. I didn't feel old at all. In fact, I thought I was too young to be able to take care of a kid. Thanks to God and nature, she has turned out great.