Need some perspective about trying for a 3rd kid at 34
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Anonymous
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I value the insight and "scar tissue" that one gains through life and am hoping that some of you in the 50+ crowd can share your perspective to help me decide whether 34/35/36 is too "old" to have a child (if we are lucky enough to be able to conceive again).
My husband and I have dealt with fertility issues for the past six years and were lucky enough to be able to have 2 kids (now 3.5 and 0.5 yrs old). I recently turned 34 and am struggling with whether we should try for a 3rd kid. I never intended to be an "older" mother and am worried that I will feel that I have cheated my children or will feel too "old" when my children go to school. I'm sure that part of this anxiety is driven by my sense that I failed to achieve my life goal of being a "younger" mother and that my time line is "off." I realize that life isn't fair and the best laid plans don't always work out. I also certainly don't want to offend anyone by saying that 34 is "old." This being said... If you had children at 35+, did you feel that you were too out of touch with your children? Do you worry that you will be leaving your children at too young an age? Do you feel embarrassed about having children later in life? Do you think your relationship with your children is impacted by your age? Any advice for me in making the decision to try again? |
Anonymous
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I had my 3rd at 35 and didn't feel old. I'm 41 now and still don't feel old. I've always been in good health, thin, eat pretty well, exercise so I feel strong. But I have had multiple miscarriages, starting in my mid-20s, for no known reason. I'm so grateful to have these three children with me.
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Anonymous
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PP again. I want to add that I'm friends with some older parents (people who have given birth between 41-45) and I do notice that they are older physically but they are such vibrant people that I don't think twice about their age.
Giving birth at 34 isn't too old at all. |
Anonymous
| There's a thread asking how old DCUMs had their 1st - most replied about 32 to 36! I had my 1st at 36. You are certainly not too old! |
Anonymous
| Where do you live, OP? In the middle of Kansas? I can't believe you are seriously asking this question to a DCUM crowd. |
Anonymous
| I had my first at 31, my second at 34, and my third at 39. No way did I feel old, and the majority of my friends' kids had parents in roughly the same age bracket as me. I did notice my youngest child's parents skew a little younger than me but so what? it hasn't been a problem at all. I'm 50 now but feel younger, and I can still relate to pop culture and things my kids talk about. |
Anonymous
| In terms of leaving your kids too young, you never get guarantees in life. I had a young mom who died of cancer when I was 14 years old. She was 41 years old. So you never know and I don't think you can worry too much about things like that. At least I try not to, and I've now outlived my mother by a good 10 years and get to see them head off to college! |
Anonymous
| OP my mom was 36 and my dad 38 when they had me in 1973. Yes my parents were older but they were also more loving, caring and engaged than most of my friends' parents almost 20 years younger, and stil are! I am now 39 and TTC but my parents are in their late 70s, healthy, active.... They do tai chi 3x per week, were retired when i was in my mid 20s. Their age has never been an issue. How does your family health and longevity look? do people live into their late 90s? It is no garauntee but it can be an indicator. |
Anonymous
| Cont. From above, My inlaws are in their mid to late 80s, they emigrated from China in the 60s so it isn't clear. My husband is younger than me... He is 37. |
Anonymous
+1 -- We have 4 kids; I was 30 when the oldest was born (he's now 23) and the youngest was born when I was 41 (she's now 12). Our kids were born and raised here, and I've always had plenty of parent-peers from my age group. In fact, when the youngest started preschool, I braced myself to be the oldest mom in the room at BTS Night . . . but, nope, another mom beat me by 2 years. Not only that, but DH is 3 years older than I am, and he has yet to be the oldest dad in the room. |
Anonymous
| I had my first at 35. According to my OB (who delivers at Sibley), most of her first time moms are over 35. I don't think that 34 is old at all. In fact, if you were 30 when you had your first, I'd say that's actually very young for this area. |
Anonymous
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I had mine at 31 and 34. I feel on the young side of my parent friends. Mine are now in HS and I feel plenty young and in touch, or at least as young and in touch a parent should be.
Where do you live OP? Maybe that makes a difference? |
Anonymous
| Are you really concerned about being embarrassed by being an older mom? If that is really on your list of worries then I would say no, don't have another. If you have your third at 34 you will not be considered an "older mother", at least not in the DC area. |
Anonymous
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OP do you live in the metro DC area? I ask because 34 is pretty young to be trying for a first let alone a third kid. I am 43 and had my first at 41 and my second just before turning 43 years old.
Try to relax and enjoy the family you have and if it's meant to be, it will happen. Our first was IVF and a lot of struggle, our second was a total surprise so you don't know what life will throw at you. Good luck and try to appreciate the family you DO have while trying for the family you WANT to have. |
Anonymous
Are you a TROLL? You do realize that most people on this board had their children in their late 30s right? |