WDYT Does this person not want to be my friend?

[Anonymous]

Agree that she could: Be depressed; have social anxieties (eg, wants to socialize but has problems "getting back to you"); have her hands full; and/or be disorganized. I recognize a bit of myself in her, but would never just blow someone off. Sounds like she enjoys your company; I would assume that there are other reasons for her lack of communication.

[Anonymous]

Since she invited you to her house and showed up to one event, I'm going to guess she is just flaky and doesn't actually have a problem with you at all.

[Anonymous]

She just moved, give her a break. It took me 6 months to totally unpack and find a routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a very serious illness in our family that we don't share much about with other people - it gets very complicated quickly and it is no one's business. The result is that I blow things off all the time. It upsets me a great deal that I do this, but I do my best. No advice, just the suggestion of compassion.

Why don't you say, "Something came up, I'm so sorry that I can't make it"? There's no reason to just flake out.

[Anonymous]

I'd stop expecting her to ever follow through and just be glad if it ever happens but don't put any more effort into it. Maybe she is just really super-busy?? Sounds like classic alcoholic behavior to me but I'm pretty cynical......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a very serious illness in our family that we don't share much about with other people - it gets very complicated quickly and it is no one's business. The result is that I blow things off all the time. It upsets me a great deal that I do this, but I do my best. No advice, just the suggestion of compassion.

Why don't you say, "Something came up, I'm so sorry that I can't make it"? There's no reason to just flake out.

OP here - Thanks everyone for your feedback. This last time, I actually did expect it not to happen and went along with my own plans (not that I had any besides hanging out with DH after the kids were asleep, but still) and decided that I would be pleasently surprised if she did contact me, but didn't expect it.

To the pp with the illness - I actually hold no ill-will toward her for not following through. I am nice to her when I see her, am receptive when she suggests going out and am (would be?) still very happy to go out with her and get to know her better. My only concern is if it's not something like you mention - I don't want to initiate or continue initiating if she actually doesn't want to become better friends - I don't want to put her in an awkward position. maybe she has enough friends and doesn't want any more - maybe like a pp mentioned, it's taxing for her to socialize and just isn't into it. That's fine and I'm totally fine with being friendly neighbors - but it's like, if she is just flaky or has an illness or whatever, I don't want to lose the opportunity to get to know her better.

Maybe I'll just keep being nice but not initiate any more (I haven't since the last few times I did and she didn't show) and just keep doing what I have been doing - be pleasently surprised if it does happen, but not expect anything.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like you OP. She constantly wants to have something "on the books" with me. I think she is sweet and I appreciate the attention, but I am a total introvert. I also have severe social anxiety. I would like to just have one dinner a month with her, that would be perfect. But she is the every week type person. If we have her and her family over, she automatically is planning the next dinner at her house. She never lets up. So I am saying yes to things, even when I shouldn't. I have cancelled at the last minute before, and I have failed to set up things I said I would. She also texts me every day. Just to see how I am doing. I don't text. I don't like to chat. I would rather talk on the phone once a week, and have something to say. So, this woman could be like me. I want friends, but my issues get in the way.

[Anonymous]

I think you should ask her what's up. If it's something she can't talk about, she can say that, or if she's flaky, she can say that too (she knows, believe me). She could be like me, people call and email but I really only respond to texts, and so somehow you're just connecting in the way she needs. She could be like me, too, b/c in the last few months I blew off a woman I connected with (and her son is the same age as mine) b/c it's too early in my PG to tell anyone and I've been rushed to emergency apptmts. No warning. And no way to contact people or tell them later why I 'flaked'. Which is why I need to email this potential friend. And fortunately it looks like baby and I are going to make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ADD or depression are possibilities.

Depression was my first thought. It's VERY typical to really want to make and keep plans, but when the time rolls around, you just can't make yourself go through with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend like you OP. She constantly wants to have something "on the books" with me. I think she is sweet and I appreciate the attention, but I am a total introvert. I also have severe social anxiety. I would like to just have one dinner a month with her, that would be perfect. But she is the every week type person. If we have her and her family over, she automatically is planning the next dinner at her house. She never lets up. So I am saying yes to things, even when I shouldn't. I have cancelled at the last minute before, and I have failed to set up things I said I would. She also texts me every day. Just to see how I am doing. I don't text. I don't like to chat. I would rather talk on the phone once a week, and have something to say. So, this woman could be like me. I want friends, but my issues get in the way.

Why in the world don't you say, "I'd feel more comfortable scheduling dinners once a month rather than once a week"? Goodness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should ask her what's up. If it's something she can't talk about, she can say that, or if she's flaky, she can say that too (she knows, believe me). She could be like me, people call and email but I really only respond to texts, and so somehow you're just connecting in the way she needs. She could be like me, too, b/c in the last few months I blew off a woman I connected with (and her son is the same age as mine) b/c it's too early in my PG to tell anyone and I've been rushed to emergency apptmts. No warning. And no way to contact people or tell them later why I 'flaked'. Which is why I need to email this potential friend. And fortunately it looks like baby and I are going to make it.

You don't get to decide that you only respond to texts. Even if a medical emergency arises, you need to acknowledge that you blew her off. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's just not that into you?

[Anonymous]

I think she likes you but she's a flake. Being friends with someone like that can be very frustrating, and they will never change. But it doesn't make her a bad person, and she might be a really great friend if you can accept how she is and not get frustrated. I have a friend like this and I've found that what helps is to either 1) make spur-of-the-moment plans with her (e.g. "Want to meet us at the playground in an hour?") or 2) invite her to pre-existing plans that don't depend on her attendance (e.g. "We'll be at Joe's Bar on Saturday at 7, feel free to come meet us!") It sucks because I don't see her as often as other friends who are willing to plan in advance and stick to it, but what can you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should ask her what's up. If it's something she can't talk about, she can say that, or if she's flaky, she can say that too (she knows, believe me). She could be like me, people call and email but I really only respond to texts, and so somehow you're just connecting in the way she needs. She could be like me, too, b/c in the last few months I blew off a woman I connected with (and her son is the same age as mine) b/c it's too early in my PG to tell anyone and I've been rushed to emergency apptmts. No warning. And no way to contact people or tell them later why I 'flaked'. Which is why I need to email this potential friend. And fortunately it looks like baby and I are going to make it.

You don't get to decide that you only respond to texts. Even if a medical emergency arises, you need to acknowledge that you blew her off. Grow up.

Actually, she does "get to" make that decision for herself, regardless of what you think. On the other hand, her friends/acquaintances also "get to" decide if they want to keep trying to make plans with her. I've been on both sides of this coin, and as the non-responder I do often miss out on something fun because I didn't check my voicemail in time, or that I don't get to see friends as often as I'd like because I'm a flake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should ask her what's up. If it's something she can't talk about, she can say that, or if she's flaky, she can say that too (she knows, believe me). She could be like me, people call and email but I really only respond to texts, and so somehow you're just connecting in the way she needs. She could be like me, too, b/c in the last few months I blew off a woman I connected with (and her son is the same age as mine) b/c it's too early in my PG to tell anyone and I've been rushed to emergency apptmts. No warning. And no way to contact people or tell them later why I 'flaked'. Which is why I need to email this potential friend. And fortunately it looks like baby and I are going to make it.

You don't get to decide that you only respond to texts. Even if a medical emergency arises, you need to acknowledge that you blew her off. Grow up.

Actually, she does "get to" make that decision for herself, regardless of what you think. On the other hand, her friends/acquaintances also "get to" decide if they want to keep trying to make plans with her. I've been on both sides of this coin, and as the non-responder I do often miss out on something fun because I didn't check my voicemail in time, or that I don't get to see friends as often as I'd like because I'm a flake.

NP here, and yes, you're right, she does get to decide. But arbitrarily deciding to only respond to one type of communication and ignoring all others makes her a selfish twit who is in dire need of, as PP said, some growing up.