Anyone else read recent New Yorker article about gay Rutgers freshman who jumped off GW bridge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What advice do you have, for the right kind of response? In other words, what would be an acceptable thing for a student to do if they are not comfortable, in response to their roomate having these kinds of meetings with a stranger who is an adult? Regardless of orientation.

I think the best thing to do is to discuss the problems with the RA or with the college housing authority, either of whom could act as an intermediary between the roommates. The key to this situation is that these young men never really spoke to each other. I think if they had, they may have had a chance at co-existing. And if having a gay roommate was really so troubling to Dharun, he could have requested to be moved.

Have you read the New Yorker piece? Towards the end (after Tyler has already committed suicide, but before anyone has realized it) Dharun sent Tyler a thoughtful email in which he says:

"I've known you were gay and I have no problem with it. In fact one of my closest friends is gay and he and I have a very open relationship. I just suspected you were shy about it which is why I never broached the topic. I don’t want your freshman year to be ruined because of a petty misunderstanding, it’s adding to my guilt. You have a right to move if you wish but I don't want you to feel pressured to without fully understanding the situation."

If only they had spoken earlier. They probably would never have become fast friends, but at least they could have co-existed.

[Anonymous]

Actually Dahrun's attitude is quite common in guys like him. Have known so many guys like him! I pray he is deported! What an ass.

Great article. I love the New Yorker. I was stunned that Tyler Clementi was out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually Dahrun's attitude is quite common in guys like him. Have known so many guys like him! I pray he is deported! What an ass.

Great article. I love the New Yorker. I was stunned that Tyler Clementi was out.

Yes. I learned a lot from reading that article, including the fact that Tyler had already come out to his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I can't stop thinking about how to keep my child from growing up to be like Dharun. What scares me is that when I was that age, I don't know if I would have been much better. I can't see myself being a ringleader like Dharun, but I think I could have been Molly. The desire to be funny, well-liked, and "cool" at that age is so powerful at that age , and probably at its height during the first weeks of freshman year of college. My parents are good people but I don't know how much we ever talked about this kind of stuff. I wonder what I can do, from an early age, to make my kids 1) feel comfortable enough in themselves that they don't need to get attention at others' expense; 2) understand that even people who seem different are people and deserve respect; and 3) take responsibility when they have done something wrong instead of try to weasel out of it.

This is exactly what I thought when I first heard the story.

Yes, Molly acted like an ass, but I'm pretty sure at that age, about 80% did stupid stuff just to go along with the crowd. I certainly did, and I guess I'm just lucky that nothing bad ever happened. My parents weren't exactly 'good people', more like 'okay people' so I definitely wonder what I can do to help my kids learn to not act like this.

[Anonymous]

I just wish I knew what was going through his head. He was doing all the right things ... reporting it to school, requesting a room change, not engaging in a huge scene with Dharun, and then he goes and grabs a burger and jumps off a bridge. It's just too hard to fathom that someone can come to such a drastic conclusion when acting so seemingly normal.

[Anonymous]

I can't read this article yet, although I have it sitting here, because my 9 yo son is probably gay and he is an awkard, introverted dork. to be clear, I love all these things about him! but:

Elementary school is already so hard for him and his classmates haven't even put 2 and 2 together yet. I am somewhat afraid for his future.

If I was Tyler's mother, I would want to rip off that roommate's undersized balls with my bare hand and shove them down his throat.

[Anonymous]

My first reaction to the story was that Dharun was just immature. But, you know, I see adults making fun of people all the time, here on DCUM, on Facebook.

There are always posts mocking overweight people (e.g. People of Walmart) or threads about people's voices (e.g. the thread regarding Diane Rehm's voice).

I really want my kids to know that it is not okay to mock someone for things that are out of their control. Well, not to mock people in general, but particularly insensitive to mock people for things they have no control over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't read this article yet, although I have it sitting here, because my 9 yo son is probably gay and he is an awkard, introverted dork. to be clear, I love all these things about him! but:

Elementary school is already so hard for him and his classmates haven't even put 2 and 2 together yet. I am somewhat afraid for his future.

If I was Tyler's mother, I would want to rip off that roommate's undersized balls with my bare hand and shove them down his throat.

I think the best thing you can do is to make sure he is surrounded by people who love and value him. Whoever that may be - friends/family/siblings. It doesn't matter. There has to be something that he can feel is valuable about himself. And, that there are people who love him just for who he is.

[Anonymous]

I just wish I knew what was going through his head. He was doing all the right things ... reporting it to school, requesting a room change, not engaging in a huge scene with Dharun, and then he goes and grabs a burger and jumps off a bridge. It's just too hard to fathom that someone can come to such a drastic conclusion when acting so seemingly normal.

While Dharun's behavior was the direct impetus for the suicide, and what he did was absolutely inexcusable, from the article, it sounds like Tyler was depressed beforehand. Not that this in any way excuses the abhorrent behavior of Dharun or Molly, but it helps does help to better understand Tyler's mindset in coming to the decision that he did.

[Anonymous]

15:20, don't let your fear of what could happen to your son overwhelm your love for him. Have you ever checked out SMYAL: http://www.smyal.org/index.php? I never pass up an opportunity to reaffirm that there all kinds of folks and families in our world. I would be so devastated if my DCs did not think they could come to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I just wish I knew what was going through his head. He was doing all the right things ... reporting it to school, requesting a room change, not engaging in a huge scene with Dharun, and then he goes and grabs a burger and jumps off a bridge. It's just too hard to fathom that someone can come to such a drastic conclusion when acting so seemingly normal.

While Dharun's behavior was the direct impetus for the suicide, and what he did was absolutely inexcusable, from the article, it sounds like Tyler was depressed beforehand. Not that this in any way excuses the abhorrent behavior of Dharun or Molly, but it helps does help to better understand Tyler's mindset in coming to the decision that he did.

But what's so haunting about this story is that it apparently wasn't all that obvious to a lot of people that he was depressed or suicidal. I mean, my child was suicidal for awhile and it was obvious something was wrong. (We got her help and it passed thank god) But this story makes it sound like Tyler kept his worst feelings completely hidden. I mean he has people he IMs with and is discussing the situation with. Did he let on at all that he was considering suicide?

All I can imagine is that he must have felt that his living situation was impossible. He lived with someone who he barely talked to who was making fun of him to a wide circle of friends and he was worried that contacting the RA made things worse. Maybe he just couldn't see his life at school getting any better and young people are so impulsive -- but then it's hardly impulsive to take a bus to a bridge in order to jump off, is it?

I was hoping I would understand more after some journalist investigated the story. I feel now like I understand less! Poor kid!

[Anonymous]

Does anyone think that maybe he was depressed because of his alternative life style to begin with?

[Anonymous]

Does anyone think that maybe he was depressed because of his alternative life style to begin with?

No, certainly not. From what the article says, he was depressed because he felt like his mother had rejected him for being gay (although she says that was not the case), and because he didn't have many close friends or fit in with his peer group well.

[Anonymous]

What struck after reading the piece was how lonely Tyler was. I don't think that should be overlooked as a contributing factor to his suicide. The roommate situation may have been the last straw, but if he had had friends and self-confidence the way the other Tyler did/had, I doubt things would have ended this way.
One of the take home messages to me is to try, as best you can, to build your child's self-confidence so that 1) they aren't targeted by such attacks and 2) if they are, that they have the mental fortitude to withstand such treatment and rise above it. I recognize this is no easy feat and probably depends a lot on the child.
Such a tragedy. And obviously, very easy to play Monday morning quarterback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I If you build high self esteem in your kids, they will be less likely to pick on someone else. Obviously, Dharun did not have genuinely high self esteem or he would not have felt such a need to get attenion (the lies to Molly Wei about being a soccer star etc in addition to the Tweets about Tyler).

Oh, FFS. I am so tired of the cult of self-esteem. I do not think bullies need to be put more in touch with their own wonderfulness. I think they need to think more of and about other people.

They need to learn what self-respect is and how to earn it.