Anyone else read recent New Yorker article about gay Rutgers freshman who jumped off GW bridge?

[Anonymous]

I had heard about the story on the news but didn't know the details. Obviously this is an extreme case, but I'm sure stuff like this goes on every night in dorm rooms across the country. I think the worst part of it to me is that Dharun had so little respect for Tyler that he didn't even give him credit for being able to find his Twitter feed or realize that the webcam was on.

I can't stop thinking about how to keep my child from growing up to be like Dharun. What scares me is that when I was that age, I don't know if I would have been much better. I can't see myself being a ringleader like Dharun, but I think I could have been Molly. The desire to be funny, well-liked, and "cool" at that age is so powerful at that age , and probably at its height during the first weeks of freshman year of college. My parents are good people but I don't know how much we ever talked about this kind of stuff. I wonder what I can do, from an early age, to make my kids 1) feel comfortable enough in themselves that they don't need to get attention at others' expense; 2) understand that even people who seem different are people and deserve respect; and 3) take responsibility when they have done something wrong instead of try to weasel out of it.

Anyone else thinking about this?

[Anonymous]

I read that article last night too. It was just heartbreaking. The thing that strikes me is the the two boys were in the dorm room the first day and were completely unable to talk to each other. Before he met Tyler, Dharun was upset, not just that he was gay, but also that he seemed poor and uncool. I just hope that I can raise my kids to be more open minded on all fronts and able to have a basic conversation with all kinds of people.

Tyler's suicide is particularly heartbreaking because it seems so avoidable. If only Dharun had been more respectful. If only Tyler had reached out to someone instead of going to the bridge. If only...

The article mentioned that Dharun turned down a plea deal for 600 hours of community service, no jail time and help against deportation -- why would he not take that? (Unless he didn't believe he would get the help against deportation.) I think he stands to serve a far greater punishment now. (Not saying he doesn't deserve a greater punishment, I'm just surprised he didn't take the plea.)

[Anonymous]

I did read that article, and found it disturbing on a number of levels. Dharun pretty much seemed like a complete jerk. The article raised an interesting question as to whether he would have treated a "cooler" gay roomate the same way. If you build high self esteem in your kids, they will be less likely to pick on someone else. Obviously, Dharun did not have genuinely high self esteem or he would not have felt such a need to get attenion (the lies to Molly Wei about being a soccer star etc in addition to the Tweets about Tyler).

[Anonymous]

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2012/02/06/120206fa_fact_parker

What a tragedy. I read this last week and was so disturbed. It's so important to model empathy for our children and I'm going to try harder to do that.

[Anonymous]

There is some growing evidence that social networking seems to be leading to a "lack" of empathy in general. I think it's sort of like the way you feel in a car. Removed enough from the other drivers that you can act differently than you would in real life. I agree it's important to teach and model empathy as much as possible. And also the fact that once something's on a phone camera or internet, it's out there FOREVER. Be cautious for yourself (child), and don't hurt someone else with a prank that could damage someone for the rest of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read that article last night too. It was just heartbreaking. The thing that strikes me is the the two boys were in the dorm room the first day and were completely unable to talk to each other. Before he met Tyler, Dharun was upset, not just that he was gay, but also that he seemed poor and uncool. I just hope that I can raise my kids to be more open minded on all fronts and able to have a basic conversation with all kinds of people.

Tyler's suicide is particularly heartbreaking because it seems so avoidable. If only Dharun had been more respectful. If only Tyler had reached out to someone instead of going to the bridge. If only...

The article mentioned that Dharun turned down a plea deal for 600 hours of community service, no jail time and help against deportation -- why would he not take that? (Unless he didn't believe he would get the help against deportation.) I think he stands to serve a far greater punishment now. (Not saying he doesn't deserve a greater punishment, I'm just surprised he didn't take the plea.)

OP here. I wondered about that too. It seems pretty unlikely that he's going to walk away with anything better than that, although I too was wondering if maybe he knows that they can't/won't prevent him from being deported. But I'm also wondering if his lawyers feel that he won't get convicted on the particular charges. As the author of the article pointed out, this seems like one of those situations where the law unfortunately doesn't exactly fit the crime. When Dharun's attorneys pick apart the elements of each charge, it may be difficult for the jury to convict. One of the things the article mentioned was that one of the charges, I think bias intimidation, required that the victim be in fear, and (if I'm recalling correctly) the prosecution is pointing to Tyler's statement that he was "afraid" of ending up with an even worse roommate as evidence that he was in fear, which is kind of a stretch.

And yes, Dharun did seemed to think being poor and uncool was even worse than being gay. From day one he literally treated Tyler like he was not a human being. He wasn't openly mean and I honestly believe he never intended for Tyler to find out what he had done, which was stupid, of course, considering how publicly he posted it, but it shows how he didn't even consider Tyler to be savvy enough to even use google. It sounds like Tyler was very quiet and I don't think it even occurred to Dharun that Tyler had feelings. WHen I was that age I certainly think I was at least outwardly more polite/respectful than that, but I do remember privately having a similar attitude about certain kids in high school and early college. I am very ashamed of that now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is some growing evidence that social networking seems to be leading to a "lack" of empathy in general. I think it's sort of like the way you feel in a car. Removed enough from the other drivers that you can act differently than you would in real life. I agree it's important to teach and model empathy as much as possible. And also the fact that once something's on a phone camera or internet, it's out there FOREVER. Be cautious for yourself (child), and don't hurt someone else with a prank that could damage someone for the rest of their lives.

I know. Wasn't it weird how they were both completely tracking each other online, and they would occasionally communicate via text, but there they were sharing the same small room and they couldn't even speak to one another.

[Anonymous]

The worst part is, most people here are saying (not admitting) "well, as long as it wasn't my kid..."

I really don't want to raise my kid amongst that piss poor attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The worst part is, most people here are saying (not admitting) "well, as long as it wasn't my kid..."

I really don't want to raise my kid amongst that piss poor attitude.

I don't understand what you are saying. Are you referring to the responders in this post, or on DCUM in general? If you are talking about the responses on this post, can you provide a few examples of what you mean?

[Anonymous]

The worst part is, most people here are saying (not admitting) "well, as long as it wasn't my kid..."

I don't see anyone saying that at all. I think the point that people are making is that it is not enough to just teach children to be tolerant of another person's sexual orientation, because that wasn't the sole factor at issue here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The worst part is, most people here are saying (not admitting) "well, as long as it wasn't my kid..."

I really don't want to raise my kid amongst that piss poor attitude.

OP here--I don't understand what you mean either. My point was I'm trying to figure out how raise a child who treats people with respect and compassion. It doesn't mean I don't care because it happened to someone else's kid, in fact quite the opposite. I mentioned "my kid" because the incident made me even more aware of the importance of raising a child to be a decent human being. This is of course my own values, but it's also largely for the benefit of the people he will come in contact through during his life. Or am I missing what you are saying, PP?

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting, OP. Tyler Parenti, RIP, still is a mystery to me. It's frightening as a parent to know that your child could be capable of killing him/herself.

[Anonymous]

What advice do you have, for the right kind of response? In other words, what would be an acceptable thing for a student to do if they are not comfortable, in response to their roomate having these kinds of meetings with a stranger who is an adult? Regardless of orientation.

[Anonymous]

Wouldn't you think a student should go to his or her resident advisor, resident head, head of house, or whatever you would call the person in those positions? I would hope that the student would tell someone if they were not comfortable with their roommate meeting with anyone - student or stranger or otherwise - in their shared room.

[Anonymous]

What advice do you have, for the right kind of response? In other words, what would be an acceptable thing for a student to do if they are not comfortable, in response to their roomate having these kinds of meetings with a stranger who is an adult? Regardless of orientation.

If the concern was having an adult stranger who was not a student come to the room for sexual encounters: Tell the roomate they are uncomfortable with the person coming over to the room, tell an RA they are uncomfortable with the person coming to the room, or ask the school for a roomate change.