"You should do this"/ "You should do that" - Awkward social scenario

[Anonymous]

I agree you start talking by saying a word or two (while someone else is talking/taking a breath) and the person talking may keep going but everyone knows you have something to say so as they finish up you start. You can also use non verbal - an intake of breath as though you are about to speak or using your hand in a way that indicates you are about to speak. Or when you say a word or two the other person may stop to hear you before continuing.

Fluid conversations do not have long pauses between each person contributing. There is constant interrupting and talking over but done in a give and take way - not in a domineering / overpowering way.

[Anonymous]

I'm a kind of shy person in a field with a lot of really shy people, so I've been on both sides of this conversation. I think it is the socially kind and appropriate thing for more talkative people in a small group to work to include shyer people and help them loosen up.

For the OP, I would suggest thinking of some set questions you can ask people in advance: are you traveling for the holidays? what were you up to this weekend? Pay attention to the interests of your coworkers so that you have a go to topic: kids, cats, hobbies, football. I doesn't matter if you don't know anything about the subject. If you have close friends or family that you feel more comfortable with, you might ask them if they will practice with you. It might feel silly, but it can be really helpful to focus on the rhythms of conversation and the social cues that other people have mentioned. For me, making small talk and trying to act outgoing can be really tiring, so I also choose the events I attend carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a kind of shy person in a field with a lot of really shy people, so I've been on both sides of this conversation. I think it is the socially kind and appropriate thing for more talkative people in a small group to work to include shyer people and help them loosen up.

For the OP, I would suggest thinking of some set questions you can ask people in advance: are you traveling for the holidays? what were you up to this weekend? Pay attention to the interests of your coworkers so that you have a go to topic: kids, cats, hobbies, football. I doesn't matter if you don't know anything about the subject. If you have close friends or family that you feel more comfortable with, you might ask them if they will practice with you. It might feel silly, but it can be really helpful to focus on the rhythms of conversation and the social cues that other people have mentioned. For me, making small talk and trying to act outgoing can be really tiring, so I also choose the events I attend carefully.

I am more of a talker - I usually at some point do try and include the quiet person but if they just add a few words then go quiet again then I am done. I am not going to continually try and draw someone into a conversation - it ruins the natural flow and rhythm of the conversation.

OP I suggest you stick to small group convos with one or two people. Those are much easier to navigate then a big group discussion.

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thank you all for the tips. I feel as if I attract people into my life who are the over-talker types, who after you finally get a word in, respond as if they are over the conversation, it hasn't helped me out any.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe stick to the shyer folks? I'm pretty sure that a librarian wouldn't feel that comfy trying to talk over a bunch of lawyers at a party.

[Anonymous]

Quite frankly, it is pretty annoying to have a one way conversation, where the person is "waiting" to be asked to speak. I would probably mis-judge you and think you are rude.

I too am a talker and if you were "waiting" to speak, you would never get a word in. I'm suprised you are attracted to people like me because I'm not in the least attracted to people who cannot contribute to a conversation without being asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quite frankly, it is pretty annoying to have a one way conversation, where the person is "waiting" to be asked to speak. I would probably mis-judge you and think you are rude.

I too am a talker and if you were "waiting" to speak, you would never get a word in. I'm suprised you are attracted to people like me because I'm not in the least attracted to people who cannot contribute to a conversation without being asked.

OP here - For me, it usually starts as someone needs something done and I hate hurting feelings by saying no. So I end up being a doormat. I walk away feeling used for an errand or whatnot. I worry so much about what to say to not offend or hurt others feelings that I don't say what I really feel sometimes.

[Anonymous]

You need assertiveness training, STAT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quite frankly, it is pretty annoying to have a one way conversation, where the person is "waiting" to be asked to speak. I would probably mis-judge you and think you are rude.

I too am a talker and if you were "waiting" to speak, you would never get a word in. I'm suprised you are attracted to people like me because I'm not in the least attracted to people who cannot contribute to a conversation without being asked.

OP here - For me, it usually starts as someone needs something done and I hate hurting feelings by saying no. So I end up being a doormat. I walk away feeling used for an errand or whatnot. I worry so much about what to say to not offend or hurt others feelings that I don't say what I really feel sometimes.

Why? Do you really feel that your words have that much power? Do you really think that most people are so emotionally unstable sensitive that they are going to fall apart or be devastated if you join the conversation? You are thinking you have more control and influence than you do.

Unless you say something outlandish most people are not noticing your every word. If you say something that is a bit dumb then people might be slightly annoyed but they realize that everyone says slightly stupid things at one point or another and it doesn't impact them. Stop worrying about hurting people's feelings. You know what an insult is, you know what being rude or disrespectful or offensive is. Avoid those things...and say everything else. Having differing opinions is what makes people interesting to talk to. If everyone agreed or thought the same then the conversations would be boring or over quickly.

You aren't hurting feelings by saying no. I don't think in my life my feelings have ever been hurt by someone saying no to something I asked them for in a conversation. Again if I thought they were saying no just to be difficult then I'd be annoyed but still not hurt. The vast majority of people are not that super sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are being unspeakably rude to you. I might leave the room and the party too!

I second this! I would leave too! People around here have no manners.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is possible that your body language and non-verbal cues are not those of an "active listener." Even if you are not up to being a conversational leader, you should be nodding, making 'sympathetic noises' and making eye contact with the speaker. If you stand and stare into space or hunch over and cross your arms, you are going to have a hard time making people believe you are part of a group.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry people are so rude to you. Even if you're quiet and don't contribute much to conversations, it is very rude for people to suggest that you go somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quite frankly, it is pretty annoying to have a one way conversation, where the person is "waiting" to be asked to speak. I would probably mis-judge you and think you are rude.

I too am a talker and if you were "waiting" to speak, you would never get a word in. I'm suprised you are attracted to people like me because I'm not in the least attracted to people who cannot contribute to a conversation without being asked.

Quite frankly, you sound like a blowhard who loves the sound of her own voice too much to let anyone else get in a word edgewise. I'm glad that you eschew us quieter folk, because who needs to stand around listening to you wax on ad nauseum.