"You should do this"/ "You should do that" - Awkward social scenario

[Anonymous]

What would you do or say in this social situation?

For instance, I will be in the middle of a conversation with two other people, one will say something like "Why don't you go over and talk to Jane" or "You should go over and see what Margie and Anne are talking about" and then the two people continue talking to each other. To me, if I wanted to go talk to Jane or Margie, I would have gone over to them. Seeing as how I now feel unwanted, I end up leaving the room altogether. I tend to be the quiet one that overthinks to avoid hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

They are being unspeakably rude to you. I might leave the room and the party too!

[Anonymous]

Wow - that's pretty direct, are they really saying it like that? Or is it more like you are talking about a subject and then they say "oh you definitely need to to talk to Jane about that" letting you know that Jane and you have something in common. The reply for that is something like "great! I will have to connect with her blah, blah, blah"

[Anonymous]

How often is this happening? Often?

[Anonymous]

Yowser! That is harsh. I'm with the PP, how often is this happening?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like they are in juniour high. I would not want to be friends with these "mean girls."

[Anonymous]

Agree this is extremely rude. OP, are these just acquaintances or friends? If you want to stand your ground, or at least not be punted out, you can just reply with something assertive, though still polite, like "No, that's fine, I can catch them some other time. So, about that other topic ....? " Just to basically overlook/bypass the rude suggestion and not let them direct you.

Sorry, though, if this did happen. Very rude people, and I'd probably not want to continue talking with them in any case.

[Anonymous]

I am wondering what the dynamics of the conservation are that are leading to that happening. Do you actively join the conversation by responding to what they are talking about?

It does become uncomfortable if someone joins the conversation then says nothing - like having someone creepily eavesdrop on your conversation. I would be thinking why stand with us if you don't want to contribute and share?

Or it becomes uncomfortable if someone joins a conversation then makes it all about them or changes the topic. Again join in, respond to what is being said and be part of the conversation.

I am just thinking out loud as to how this might happen. I have never verbalized - 'go talk to someone else' but I have wished it in my head during the two above scenarios.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I encounter this situation pretty often. I am the person who never speaks up but my family and group of friends and acquaintances are the outspoken, direct types. I am pretty sensitive, so I end up walking away feeling down. I never know what to say or do.

11:25, no its identical to my post. We will be on one subject not even related to the other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering what the dynamics of the conservation are that are leading to that happening. Do you actively join the conversation by responding to what they are talking about?

It does become uncomfortable if someone joins the conversation then says nothing - like having someone creepily eavesdrop on your conversation. I would be thinking why stand with us if you don't want to contribute and share?

Or it becomes uncomfortable if someone joins a conversation then makes it all about them or changes the topic. Again join in, respond to what is being said and be part of the conversation.

I am just thinking out loud as to how this might happen. I have never verbalized - 'go talk to someone else' but I have wished it in my head during the two above scenarios.

OP here- I do tend to be a listener more than a speaker. I usually wait to be asked to share.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are simply looming around people and not adding anything to the conversation, maybe you need to work on your conversational skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering what the dynamics of the conservation are that are leading to that happening. Do you actively join the conversation by responding to what they are talking about?

It does become uncomfortable if someone joins the conversation then says nothing - like having someone creepily eavesdrop on your conversation. I would be thinking why stand with us if you don't want to contribute and share?

Or it becomes uncomfortable if someone joins a conversation then makes it all about them or changes the topic. Again join in, respond to what is being said and be part of the conversation.

I am just thinking out loud as to how this might happen. I have never verbalized - 'go talk to someone else' but I have wished it in my head during the two above scenarios.

OP here- I do tend to be a listener more than a speaker. I usually wait to be asked to share.

There is the issue OP - that creates very awkward conversations. Why should someone have to ask you to share? That is actually very passive aggressive, even though that may not be your intent. It is saying I won't say anything until the attention is focused on me by having the conversation stop and someone invite my input.

[Anonymous]

Op here - What is the best way for someone who is not very outspoken or direct to add to a conversation without being squashed or talked over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - What is the best way for someone who is not very outspoken or direct to add to a conversation without being squashed or talked over?

What until a slight break in conversation or sometimes you just have to start talking over someone - it sounds rude but it happens all the time. Also, agreement with that they are saying if you have been in a similar conversation. I will say that its pretty rare I turn to someone and say "and what do you think about x?" I expect them to contribute without them being asked. The exception is if it is a child, teenager or very young adult.

To be honest, I would believe that the situation you describe might happen around close family but in a social situation no way. Maybe once or twice with a certain person but I know no one who would ever say such a thing nor do I know anyone who would tolerate such rudeness. I would be aghast if a friend said this to someone in social conversation and I think most everyone I know would also.

[Anonymous]

"I usually wait to be asked to share."

Then I'd talk 100% of our conversation. Once you get beyond kindergarten, no one is going to ask you to share (?). Do you have this problem at work also? I'd say work on your assertiveness.