Is it terrible if I don't invite my brother and his family for christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree w/ those who said you need to let your DH have his quiet Xmas. He puts up w/ the chaos all the other times so let him have this one quiet holiday. If I were him I'd be very hurt and resentful if I conceded all my other holidays but couldn't have this one wish respected.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Another one for DH. Your brother and SIL need to host if togetherness is so important to them. Even if they did it would be your choice to accept or reject the invitation.

[Anonymous]

There are so many scenarios here that could work as other options. Why not do a Christmas Eve brunch with them at a restaurant? Christmas Eve dinner at your house, then no one over on the 25th. Or just tell them your DH isn't feeling it this year and wants to have a quiet xmas.

[Anonymous]

Offer to come to them for Christmas Eve. Tell them that you are fried from your busy schedules, hosting Thanksgiving, and so on, and want to keep it very low-key at your house. But you're happy to come to their place. So what if their place is small. Toss the kids in the backyard for a while, pop in a video for them, or whatever it takes, and let your brother and his wife have the fun (and burden) of doing the cleaning, cooking, etc.to host at their house and create some traditions at their place. It's fine if you don't host Christmas at your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Offer to come to them for Christmas Eve. Tell them that you are fried from your busy schedules, hosting Thanksgiving, and so on, and want to keep it very low-key at your house. But you're happy to come to their place. So what if their place is small. Toss the kids in the backyard for a while, pop in a video for them, or whatever it takes, and let your brother and his wife have the fun (and burden) of doing the cleaning, cooking, etc.to host at their house and create some traditions at their place. It's fine if you don't host Christmas at your house.

Good idea only if OP's DH agrees with this. Maybe he is just sick of them? Frankly, OP, I probably would be....

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice for you but wish you well. DH vs. bro is a tough call.

[Anonymous]

your DH is an asshole. Christmas is for family and kids (ignoring the religious aspect), and brothers, cousins and nephews and nieces are part of family. Be thankful you have such a great family. A few hours is not going to kill your jerk husband.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. I think there are no easy answers for someone outside your family. My "DH" would prefer we never have family for holidays, or for anything for that matter, and if I want to cook a turkey then I can do all the prep and cleanup since he'd be just as happy to go to McDonalds for Thanksgiving or have nothing at all. My kids are in elementary school, and by now they realize that most families spend holidays with, well, family, and they beg for company. I actually prefer quiet holidays but I get where they're coming from. For that reason, I can't side with your husband if what he wants is basically to avoid all social contact, just because it's messy and chaotic. That's life with kids - if he doesn't want it, then he shouldn't be part of a family. Maybe I'm projecting - maybe your family really are nightmares. But consider for just a moment that he's also unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother has 8 month old twins, a two year old and a 4 year old. They live 30 minutes away and are over frequently. It is tiring. My kids are 5 and 7 and enjoy their cousins, but do get tired of having to have all their toys messed up by the little ones, etc. My husband really wants a quiet Christmas with just the four of us. We just had them for thanksgiving and it was chaotic as usual. And they are co ing back tomorrow for brunch. I would rather have a quiet Christmas too. But what do I tell my brother?

Are you kidding?! That is the only sensible thing for you to do. I can't imagine a worse way to spend Christmas Day or Eve. Invite them over on the 27th, no Santa and tell them each child can bring one toy and ONLY one toy; have a simple dinner. You get to enjoy Christmas, too. Merry Christmas to all of you.

[Anonymous]

You people sound like Scrooges! Christmas is a family time, not a quiet day to spend all alone! I understand your DH is tired of the mess, but alienating your brother and his family is a pretty high price to pay for a few hours of quiet.

But if you are hosting all the time, OP, you are being a doormat! You need to have a talk with your brother and ask him if he would trade off holidays with you, that way you are not always hosting, cooking, cleaning. If their house is too small, then you can go out to a restaurant in the city.

Don't fall into the trap of being catty or lying or tiptoeing around the truth. Be honest with your brother, and maybe you can work things out together. Maybe he's tired of all the together holidays and would like a little space, who knows? You won't know until you have an honest discussion with him. Fair is fair, but pushing away your family on an important holiday, especially if it is an established tradition, is wrong, and may have longer negative consequences for all of you.

BTW, the kids will grow up so fast, and they will be easier to manage and you will WANT to have them all around together. Someday you will look back on this time fondly, when your nest is empty, or when your kids hit the age when they really don't want to spend time with you any more. It will happen sooner than you think, so it's best to compromise with your brother (and your DH), so no one's feelings are hurt and everyone feels treated fairly.

[Anonymous]

OP, invite them.

[Anonymous]

Have a quiet Christmas. We spend Thanksgiving with my DH's family and Christmas is just us and our kids. We like it quiet. We sometimes get together with family the day after Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people sound like Scrooges! Christmas is a family time, not a quiet day to spend all alone! I understand your DH is tired of the mess, but alienating your brother and his family is a pretty high price to pay for a few hours of quiet.

But if you are hosting all the time, OP, you are being a doormat! You need to have a talk with your brother and ask him if he would trade off holidays with you, that way you are not always hosting, cooking, cleaning. If their house is too small, then you can go out to a restaurant in the city.

Don't fall into the trap of being catty or lying or tiptoeing around the truth. Be honest with your brother, and maybe you can work things out together. Maybe he's tired of all the together holidays and would like a little space, who knows? You won't know until you have an honest discussion with him. Fair is fair, but pushing away your family on an important holiday, especially if it is an established tradition, is wrong, and may have longer negative consequences for all of you.

BTW, the kids will grow up so fast, and they will be easier to manage and you will WANT to have them all around together. Someday you will look back on this time fondly, when your nest is empty, or when your kids hit the age when they really don't want to spend time with you any more. It will happen sooner than you think, so it's best to compromise with your brother (and your DH), so no one's feelings are hurt and everyone feels treated fairly.

agreed.

[Anonymous]

Yes, invite them or go out to a restaurant, but do spend it together. This is what family is about. We make sacrifices for family.

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier about them not wanting to come, so seems I was wrong there. For us, what we do is have Christmas Eve and morning just us (well also the IL's and my sis, but no other kids). We go to Mass, and have dinner waiting when we get home (I am a choir director, so we have to prepare food in advance). Then we hang till bedtime. Christmas morning, it is the same crew, very low key, since mine are the only children. Then, generally, we will get together with other friends (who are like family) and my cousin who also has 3 children like me. Sometimes I host, sometimes my cousin. This year, she hosted us for Thanksgiving, so we will host for Christmas. Like the discrepency between your house and your brothers, we have a similar one (ours is quite a bit bigger, burbs vs. city). It was chaotic on Thanksgiving at their house, but as a pp said, we just shipped the kids outside, and eventually put on a movie.

I totally agree your husband has to have a say. I will say, I love having a peaceful Christmas eve, and Christmas morning. I also love having cousin's come over later in the day. It is easy for me to say this though, since the youngest of our crew are both 4

Are you and your brother the only family members you each have here?

You need to chat with dh about what you both want. Come up with a solution that you can agree on, and tell your brother this is the plan for this year.