Reply to I was raised to be a mousy woman

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I could have written your post.  But I disagree with a few things.

I agree with PP that a pleaser temperament is innate, and not a product of upbringing.  I do think that a pleaser temperament can use circumstance to excuse a lack of backbone, and that some things exacerbate it, like low self esteem.  But it is most certainly not just upbringing, because as the oldest of 10, with the same mother as my siblings, I am the only pleaser, and I drive my family insane with my stories of being endlessly put upon.  None of them understand me, because that is so far from their temperaments.  And my mother taught us Christian virtues, such as giving until it hurts and turning the other cheek and seeking peace--NONE of which require being a doormat.

I am 35 now, and I will share my own personal moves towards more assertiveness, which may or may not apply to you, so take what you will.

First, after a particularly egregious "used and abused" incident, my sainted mother said in loving exasperation:  "you let people do these things to you because you feel like you do not deserve any better.". This hit me hard.  I was a very bad person for a number of years (starting with a sexual assault that happened because of my inability to assert myself), and even though I have asked forgiveness and been forgiven by everyone, including God, I still struggle with a sense of despair that I don't deserve to walk with my head held high.  I know that is an evil temptation, but it's a struggle.  I'm working on it.

Second, I take charity seriously.  I try to be charitable whenever situations arise.  But that would often be detrimental to my own family, who would resent the fact that I had nothing left for them.  Now I understand that my first obligations are to my own family, and that includes keeping myself healthy and capable of taking care of them.  So I shifted my focus to seeing myself as the hero of my family before all else.  And so I prioritize my exercise, my rest, my diet, my downtime, my prayer life, NOT because I am selfish, but because those things are necessary to sustain those who need me most.

Third, I don't give up as soon as I slip up.  After year of entrenched routines, it is hard for me to change, and it is hard for my husband to have patience for me ("I thought we agreed you would say no to that!").  But he's making the effort to not get angry, and to gently and lovingly help me figure out how to best approach each situation.  That makes me feel valued, instead of the worthless spineless screw up of the family.

It hasn't been smooth sailing.  I lost a friendship when I stood up for my son, who was being bullied.  I hurt someone's feelings when I said I wasn't capable of helping her at a particular time.  My husband had to step into a couple situations, which would have been much more smooth if I had just had guts from the beginning.  And I acknowledge this will always be a weak spot for me, because I cannot change my temperament--I can only change how I deal with the temperament I've been dealt.

Very first step, very important:  stop passing the blame.  Stop blaming at all.  The past is the past.  Accept and treasure every aspect of who you are, including your upbringing and the mistakes you have made.  Without them, you wouldn't be here asking for advice.  Then gather your loved ones around you and get their support.  Ask them to help you break out of habitual behaviors.

This does NOT mean you have license to be rude, aggressive, and selfish!  You are still obligated to be kind, generous, and giving.  Your smile probably lights up the room--keep smiling.  Just give yourself a foundation of knowing who to fight for, who to defend, who to support, and the rest of your obligations will automatically prioritize.

Of all the ironies, while I was typing this, a friend called asking for me to help her, and I said I had to call her back ;).   I hope something about my experience helped you, OP.

PS. The martyr until you blow up thing--I get it.  But it needs to stop, because it's lose-lose.  Wish you the best![/quote]

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