Really Low Stepmom Moment

[Anonymous]

I don't think he was a jerk - just a different sense of humor. Not everyone is offended by everything. We would tease someone in our house too who freaked out over a bug. For you to call him names to me was a total overreaction.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know you posted on here for some sympathy, but not much is forthcoming. You know what you did was wrong, but I would try to find out WHY you did that. Even in the heat of the moment, saying that kind of thing really isn't acceptable as a parent. Yes, we all have low moments, when you want to SCREAM, but using language like that just shows that you don't have control of...well, anything.

He gave you attitude, which is annoying, but also-what kids that age do. The waving the bug thing was several steps beyond attitude, but he obviously was pissed you forced the issue, and decided the push your buttons. If you don't want to be that person, get some help in changing. The book a PP mentioned is a good place to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Wait until your daughter is 12. She could start acting out too. Will you call her a little shit? I don't think so! What's really going on here? This is how 12 year old's can act. Maybe something's up. Children act out for a reason. Is school causing stress? How often does he go back and forth between homes? Why did you ask him to kill the bug? (Was it really six inches? Or three?)
Maybe you should try not to react so strongly to him. Take a chill pill. Read the book, Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy. You would NOT believe what my son acted like when he was 13 and 14. You ain't seen nothing yet!

OP here again. That's really good advice. I don't know if anything in particular is up. I'm sure school is more stressful. It's the start of middle school and there are a lot higher expectations. He alternates homes weekly. I know his mom is dealing with a lot of the same attitude issues, but I don't know any of the details. (nor does his dad) We generally have a good relationship. But, I have been holding back a lot of frustration because I don't feel like its my place to be the heavy. I'm finding it difficult to navigate the fact that I don't want to be reprimanding or doling out pushiments, yet I feel the upshot of that is I'm just "taking" a lot of behavior that I feel he should be called out on. So I definitely "snapped" at that moment.

It may not make a difference at all, but I wanted to point out that I didn't call him a s+++, I said "don't act like a s+++" Like I said, I immediately went and apologzed and made a point of telling him that I thought he was a good kid and a good person, but that that had been awful behavior. And that I had totally overreacted and had not reacted well, but I was reacting to what he did not who he was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know you posted on here for some sympathy, but not much is forthcoming. You know what you did was wrong, but I would try to find out WHY you did that. Even in the heat of the moment, saying that kind of thing really isn't acceptable as a parent. Yes, we all have low moments, when you want to SCREAM, but using language like that just shows that you don't have control of...well, anything.

He gave you attitude, which is annoying, but also-what kids that age do. The waving the bug thing was several steps beyond attitude, but he obviously was pissed you forced the issue, and decided the push your buttons. If you don't want to be that person, get some help in changing. The book a PP mentioned is a good place to start.

Again, thanks for some advice. Nah, I didn't post for sympathy. Well, of course I hope for it at some level, but I've read this forum enough not to really expect any. I had several moment before I pressed the submit button where I was asking myself if I really wanted to let myself in for the responses.

Honestly, there's been more sympathy than I expected.

[Anonymous]

Don't feel bad. I would have called my own kid that for shoving a bug in my face.

[Anonymous]

OH, and because someone asked, yes, it was literally six inches long. Perhaps five when crawling, but a good six inches stretched out with about one inch across worth of legs. It was, by far, the largest centipede I have ever seen.

[Anonymous]

It is a BUG. WTF! Get over it. OP started this whole mess over a bug. Ok here is one, think before you act. Not sure what you are expecting out of 12 year old when a scared shitless step mother makes you drop everything to handle a bug. Nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: THe day before, his dad sent him away from the breakfast table because he had asked him to set the table, DSS delayed, gave attitude, finished email,

One thing that really drives me crazy is when someone asks me to do something and then expects me to jump up from what I'm doing as soon as they ask. And I think I'm pretty typical. I find it interesting that people often expect their kids to jump as soon as they ask for something when we wouldn't want to do the same thing. As soon as you start preparing the meal, you know you need the table set. Why can't you just ask then so your stepson has time to finish what he's doing before he needs to complete the task?

[Anonymous]

OP,

Another lesson here is not to ask him to go beyond the call of duty. For instance, why didn't you just get a bowl, put the bowl over the bug and let your husband deal with it? I would have apologized to him for asking him to kill the bug. That was your first mistake. (We put a frog in my mother's bed. Kids will be kids.)

I'd really work on not reacting. Also, does his dad talk to him, ask him what's up, do they have alone time? And was there a consequence for throwing a fork at his sister?

This was a hard age. 13.5 oh goodness that was tough. My son's 15 and it's great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: THe day before, his dad sent him away from the breakfast table because he had asked him to set the table, DSS delayed, gave attitude, finished email,

One thing that really drives me crazy is when someone asks me to do something and then expects me to jump up from what I'm doing as soon as they ask. And I think I'm pretty typical. I find it interesting that people often expect their kids to jump as soon as they ask for something when we wouldn't want to do the same thing. As soon as you start preparing the meal, you know you need the table set. Why can't you just ask then so your stepson has time to finish what he's doing before he needs to complete the task?

OP, I totally agree with this. But in my dhs defense, dss was asked about 15 minutes before the meal started. Dh was making pancakes, so it wasn't a last minute thing. It's this ongoing negative dynamic that dh is really having trouble with where dss is given plenty of notice for a chore, then delays until that chore is the only thing that is left to do. Then there is thus awkward situation where we all either watch as dss does his contribution or help with it, which just encourages more delaying.

I don't think dss is overloaded with chores, he's only expected to set the table, clear, make his own bed, and occasionally unload the dishwasher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Another lesson here is not to ask him to go beyond the call of duty. For instance, why didn't you just get a bowl, put the bowl over the bug and let your husband deal with it? I would have apologized to him for asking him to kill the bug. That was your first mistake. (We put a frog in my mother's bed. Kids will be kids.)

I'd really work on not reacting. Also, does his dad talk to him, ask him what's up, do they have alone time? And was there a consequence for throwing a fork at his sister?

This was a hard age. 13.5 oh goodness that was tough. My son's 15 and it's great!

They do get tons of alone time. They hang out together nightly for at least 1-2 hours while I clean and put his sister to bed.

Yes, he was sent from the table for throwing the fork. His dad was really, really upset by that one.

On a positive note, he just got back from baseball and was really excited to reenact all his plays for me. ( I had to miss the game because of three year olds bedtime) I apologized once again and he shrugged. He is usually really easy to read, so I'm taking it at face value that I'm forgiven. In general, he doesn't sulk or hold grudges which is a really good quality.

[Anonymous]

I'm amazed that everyone is jumping on the OP. I told my 7yo to shut up tonight when he was in the tub with and tormenting his toddler brother, who was reacting by biting and hitting me. I apologized within moments. So no, I don't think what the OP did was a cardinal sin. It was one of those moments that all parents of any variety have, whether they admit it or not, where they fall short. PPs, if you think you have never fallen short, you're kidding yourself. OP, apologize honestly as you've already done and use this regrettable incident to do better. My son has tons of attitude at 7yo, despite the fact that he is basically a sweet kid and has a very soft heart. BTW I also would get over the bug thing but I don't see that that is terribly relevant to the situation - this is a just a mom who didn't quite live up to her own good standards - that's a place we all have been, with or without bugs.

[Anonymous]

I am a stepmom to an often challeging preteen boy. I'm not going to comment on what you feel badly about--what I find weird is demanding that your stepson kill a bug for you. Grow up! It's not his job to take care of you like that--you insisted and then didn't like the result. what he did was kind of gross, yes, but totally typical for his age/gender. You put yourself in that position, however.

its very hard to be a stepparent, i know. I have had low moments too. but i guess my mantra is to try to act like a parent--not in place of the child's own parent--but act"parental" in the best sense, that is, with both authority and love. When I am feeling like a 'bad' stepparent, it is usually because I have neglected one or the other.

[Anonymous]

OP one more time... I'll totally take the flak for my reaction, but I think people are being way over the top with what I asked him to do. Shoot me, I don't like bugs. I happen to know they don't bother him. I asked him to walk a literal 10 feet across the hall to his sisters room to do a five second task to help me out. It's pretty much the same as asking my husband (or dss asking me) to reach something off the top shelf. If it had been a task that would bother dss, I never would have asked, but goodness, we help each other out in our family.

[Anonymous]

It is not the same as asking your husband to get something off a shelf, OP! He was getting dressed and he had to deal with your issue. It's your issue, this bug phoboa business. Be the grownup. Figure out a way to cope. What if you'd been home alone? Would you have stood on top of the bed shrieking until someone came home?

OP - Okay they have alone time but do they talk about what's up?