adoptive families w/closed adoption: do you wonder if/when your DC will reunite with birthparents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a semi-open adoption in that everyone involved has each others' full names, other identifying information and we have all met, but by law in the state where the adoption took place the legal records are officially closed. By the birth mother's request there is no contact - my daughter is 10. I hope that my dd wants to find her birth mother and since we have met her already that we can be the ones to help open that door for her. I think it will help her answer a lot of questions.

How would you handle contact since the birth mother has requested no contact? It seems like that could be a sticky situation.

Once she turns 18, the records become open. My plan is to try to put it off until then, but ultimately I need to let my daughter lead the process. It may come earlier, it may never come. I would want to visit a family counselor before any contact was made if she were under age and at minimum will be getting some myself whenever she makes contact. If she is under age when she wants to make contact, because I have already met her birthmother, I can initiate the contact, test the waters, and if there is no interest from her we can handle it on this end as a family. Of course I'm not so naive to think these plans of mine could not be turned upside down in an instant.

[Anonymous]

Our son's birth mother is dangerous and the type to kidnap him and go speeding down the highway with police chasing her, creating a Lifetime movie.

We were advised to have a closed adoption and make it difficult for her to find us (him). He knows he's adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our son's birth mother is dangerous and the type to kidnap him and go speeding down the highway with police chasing her, creating a Lifetime movie.

We were advised to have a closed adoption and make it difficult for her to find us (him). He knows he's adopted.

Sounds like the adoption was shady

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son's birth mother is dangerous and the type to kidnap him and go speeding down the highway with police chasing her, creating a Lifetime movie.

We were advised to have a closed adoption and make it difficult for her to find us (him). He knows he's adopted.

Sounds like the adoption was shady

Or, foster or other adoption. There is a reason why some birthparents place, and often it is due to instability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son's birth mother is dangerous and the type to kidnap him and go speeding down the highway with police chasing her, creating a Lifetime movie.

We were advised to have a closed adoption and make it difficult for her to find us (him). He knows he's adopted.

Sounds like the adoption was shady

Or, foster or other adoption. There is a reason why some birthparents place, and often it is due to instability.

Do you mean the adoption happened against their wishes? Is there no counseling or help available for the parent when that happens? How common is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son's birth mother is dangerous and the type to kidnap him and go speeding down the highway with police chasing her, creating a Lifetime movie.

We were advised to have a closed adoption and make it difficult for her to find us (him). He knows he's adopted.

Sounds like the adoption was shady

Or, foster or other adoption. There is a reason why some birthparents place, and often it is due to instability.

Do you mean the adoption happened against their wishes? Is there no counseling or help available for the parent when that happens? How common is that?

Really, do some research on adoption if you are going to comment about things you don't know. There are all types of adoptions, including from foster care when a parent abused or neglected their child. Yes, adoptions happen against the parents wishes and yes, there is help available but one is not obligated to use the help. Kids needs come before parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son's birth mother is dangerous and the type to kidnap him and go speeding down the highway with police chasing her, creating a Lifetime movie.

We were advised to have a closed adoption and make it difficult for her to find us (him). He knows he's adopted.

Sounds like the adoption was shady

That's a ridiculous statement. Take my friends' kids: Their birth mother left them at home alone as infants and toddlers to go out and prostitute herself for her drug habit. She ignored a serious health problem the kids both had. The children were removed and placed in a foster family. Some months after the placement, the birth mother went to the foster family's home and threatened the foster mother. The family were so frightened they turned the kids back over to the system. Then there was another family who couldn't deal with the younger child's feeding issues. Then the children came to my friends, who have seen both kids through several surgeries and innumerable therapies. The birth mother was under the eye of the state this whole time, and continued to rack up small criminal charges, even serving a few months in jail, all the while insisting she wanted her kids back. After fostering for (I think) two years, the birth mother's rights were severed, and my friends adopted both children. The birth mother continued to harass them (earning herself another jail sentence) until my friends had to move because of it.

Sound like a "shady" adoption to you?

[Anonymous]

Pp, that was against the parents wishes. To get the whole story I would have to talk to the parents. I do not mean to be snarky, just these black and white views are not the whole story.
Feeding issues and surgeries and therapies are a medical need, not bad parenting

[Anonymous]

My children are also adopted from Foster Care and against the mothers wishes. For their protection our adoption is also closed and BM does not know us or vice versa.

PP "Feeding issues and surgeries and therapies are a medical need, not bad parenting" - actually it is bad parenting when the parent is not working to have these corrected. This is why my children were taken. Not feeding them, neglecting needed medical needs and therapies.

[Anonymous]

So many uninsured, and very difficult to qualify for medicaid and get appointments once you have medicaid. Surely that cannot be the definition of bad parenting?
My kid had to wait 6 months to see a pediatric dentist because the office made a mistake with the claim and it had to be submitted 3 times before they were paid, and they would not see dc unless the earlier account was paid. And this is with insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many uninsured, and very difficult to qualify for medicaid and get appointments once you have medicaid. Surely that cannot be the definition of bad parenting?
My kid had to wait 6 months to see a pediatric dentist because the office made a mistake with the claim and it had to be submitted 3 times before they were paid, and they would not see dc unless the earlier account was paid. And this is with insurance.

If a child is in foster care or was adopted from foster care they receive medical and dental insurance/care. This isn't about you but about kids who were abused/neglected who need a stable home/family as their parents are unable/unwilling to provide it. Many have major mental health and/or substance abuse issues on top of other things going on and its not that easy for them to just get it together for their kids sake despite services and lots of gov't help.

Personally, I'd just private pay if my child needed that appt, find a low cost clinic or go to a different dentist who would accept the insurance. I would not wait six months for a necessary appt. So, yes, if it was a true need, then there are options, so it would be neglect to wait.

[Anonymous]

"Pp, that was against the parents wishes. To get the whole story I would have to talk to the parents. I do not mean to be snarky, just these black and white views are not the whole story.
Feeding issues and surgeries and therapies are a medical need, not bad parenting"

yeah, ok, but uh - leaving infants/toddlers alone to go prostituting for drug money....that doesn't qualify as "bad parenting"??? The foster care system errs way too heavily towards BMs in many situations where the children would be far better off with someone who is actually willing to put their needs first and treat them well.

[Anonymous]

I just located my birth father.

My dad will always be my dad; nothing replaces our history. But I need and deserve to know my story. All of it.

It's not a competition. It's a completion. Part of the adoption story is loss. This is inescapable. The child who wants to see the entire constellation should be supported.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Pp, that was against the parents wishes. To get the whole story I would have to talk to the parents. I do not mean to be snarky, just these black and white views are not the whole story.
Feeding issues and surgeries and therapies are a medical need, not bad parenting"

yeah, ok, but uh - leaving infants/toddlers alone to go prostituting for drug money....that doesn't qualify as "bad parenting"??? The foster care system errs way too heavily towards BMs in many situations where the children would be far better off with someone who is actually willing to put their needs first and treat them well.

If you do a newborn/private/agency adoption, then yes, you get to make that determination and speak to the birthparents but when you adopt from foster care, it is the social workers, agency and courts who decide. You have no opinion on the situation. The goal of foster care is reunification. Parents receive all sorts of supports prior to children being placed for adoption.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are considering adoption. I, too, stop and wonder when I hear stories of adopted children finding their "real" mom. I noticed in Erin's story, back a page, that she referred to her birth family as sister and father, and the family that raised her as the, 'adopted family.' Do the adoptive families still count as family? Or are they replaced when the birth family is found?