tired of superficial friendships

[Anonymous]

I sympathize w/ OP. But, I have found that you don't have 'deep' friendships unless there's a need; we all hold back. I've poured my heart out to somewhat I thought I was close to, only to have the boundary lines made clear to me. I've also had friendships dry up, after a crisis, b/c that bond is over and it's too uncomfortable to continue. You don't ever really know how deep the friendship is until you're in crisis or the other person is. I was engaged to a complete a-hole and thought I had tons of friends when we were together, who came on trips w/ us, ate at our house, etc. and then we called off the wedding. None of those friendships survived, whether they were female or couple friends - the crisis/stress of our breakup was too much. Friends who were mine before stayed so, for the most part, but anyone who was close to 'us' - hit the highway. Found out the hard way those were superficial.

[Anonymous]

No, no, no.

OP, I know what you are saying. Most of our friends happen to have children the same age, we usually meet through school. Actually, I thought it would become easier about this time. It has gotten easier in many ways, you have more in common with the other parents (neighborhood, etc.) - which is nice.

But unfortunately, there are many people who expect the wrong thing here. They could be too materialistic, for example. That example is NOT a far reach in this area! And it can be very discouraging to think that people are hanging out with you for a reason that they perceive betters themselves (whether or not it is actually true).

One of our problems is that sometimes we are too nice, inadvertently inviting backstabbers. Totally different groups, some in very "creative" ways! It ALWAYS gets back to us, but backstabbers are too stupid to understand. This has happened to us far too many times to be coincidental, so it is easy to get jaded. I think this area encourages certain behavior (desperate?), not all of it good.

OP, what area are you in? We should start a club!

[Anonymous]

I think if you haven't formed a deep personal friendship with someone before either of you marries, it is unlikely to happen after marriage and kids. And even if you do, it will likely not be of the same caliber as one formed before. As the pp noted, relationships that are formed around marriages and children don't usually survive the changes around the marriage and the kids. So if you marriage ends or your kids grow up. the friendships are less likely to survive those changes. Also, b/c most people have already 'invested' in and formed those friendships already, and they are time-intensive, plus they have their marriages to tend to also, most people aren't interested in putting the time into forming the kind of friendship you are seeking. And even if they do, it will still be a 'secondary' type of friendship to those that they have had before. Its sad, but if you don't have those friendships from your 'youth', you are unlikely to gain them now.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I have to add, when DC was little, I made it a point to avoid certain brand strollers, for example, just so I could meet down to earth people. We could afford any stroller/s we wanted, we just didn't want that type of person in our lives. We found that the people with certain strollers that we happened to meet were shallow, hangers on that were really, really bad with money! I think this gives you a good example of how difficult "down to earth" (truly) is to find here. Having "that" stroller or car or "this" clothing or jewelry or whatever means very little when you have only that to your name, anyway. And that type of person would NEVER be happy. That is what we don't need in our lives; but there seems just so much of that here. Transparent and tiresome, I say. Flame all you want, I really don't care.

[Anonymous]

We meet a lot of people who bicker when the couples go out. Some threaten divorce to get what they want. They have no idea how to make it on their own, so they really are playing a dangerous game. Someday their husbands will respond: "fine, I do all the work anyway, goodbye and good luck!" - which would kind of be a relief to everyone, especially the husband. I'd love to meet some normal couples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I have to add, when DC was little, I made it a point to avoid certain brand strollers, for example, just so I could meet down to earth people. We could afford any stroller/s we wanted, we just didn't want that type of person in our lives. We found that the people with certain strollers that we happened to meet were shallow, hangers on that were really, really bad with money! I think this gives you a good example of how difficult "down to earth" (truly) is to find here. Having "that" stroller or car or "this" clothing or jewelry or whatever means very little when you have only that to your name, anyway. And that type of person would NEVER be happy. That is what we don't need in our lives; but there seems just so much of that here. Transparent and tiresome, I say. Flame all you want, I really don't care.

wow. you avoid people who have a certain stroller? isn't that like reverse snobbery? I have a lovely 'trendy' stroller b/c I like the stroller, not b/c its trendy. So I push my 'trendy' stroller to my big ol' minivan and hop in sportin my uncool Lands End yoga pants and 15 yr old sweatshirt. I would like to think that I'm not transparent, tiresome and shallow, although I suppose I have other faults. I'm sorry that so many people are disappointing you, though, pp, but maybe you should give them more of a chance rather than judging them by their strollers, either fancy or shabby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We meet a lot of people who bicker when the couples go out. Some threaten divorce to get what they want. They have no idea how to make it on their own, so they really are playing a dangerous game. Someday their husbands will respond: "fine, I do all the work anyway, goodbye and good luck!" - which would kind of be a relief to everyone, especially the husband. I'd love to meet some normal couples.

huh? and this is apropos of what?

[Anonymous]

It is not apropos. That is the point, dumbass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not apropos. That is the point, dumbass.

so are you just randomly posting nonsense all over the DCUM boards or just on this thread?

I'll see your nonsense paragraph and raise you a with this:

ballerinas and squirrels who wash floors at the beach also eat berries in nebraska.

there. take that you..you...crazy nonsense poster, you!

[Anonymous]

HUH?

[Anonymous]

I have three close friends: my DH and two girlfriends. That's all the real, deep friendships I can sustain!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three close friends: my DH and two girlfriends. That's all the real, deep friendships I can sustain!

I would be happy to have one close girlfriend. I don't have one now and I wish I did.

[Anonymous]

There are too many pissing contests here for me, frankly. Totally not interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:UGH! I have "friends" like you who are all caught up in keeping score of how good a friend I am by how many times I call, what things I invite them too, who many times I email, etc. It's so tiresome and not something at my age I am interested in. When I get friends complaning about this, I do tend to drop them.

Friendships are not as instant or as intense as they were back when we were in school (college, grad school, etc) and it takes time for them to develop.

OP here and I never, never keep 'score' of how 'good' my friends are. Those who live in glass houses can't throw stones, you know. Not sure how you got that from my post. I do realize it takes time and also that I need to make the first move. Loads of time is not something I have right now, like lots of my mom friends. So I do feel like I"m imposing if I call too much or take too much of my friend's time, even talking about 'light' stuff. Also, b/c I don't feel like I have the foundation laid, I feel like it may be inappropriate to divulge something 'deeper' that may overstep the boundaries and also, by the very nature of the topic, take a lot of time to discuss.

OP- when I said "it takes time for them to develop" exactly how much time did you think I meant? Because it can take a year or more depending on the person and the number of times you see someone. If you start now making some casual friends and stick with the friendships in a few years you are likely to have those deeper relationships you are looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:UGH! I have "friends" like you who are all caught up in keeping score of how good a friend I am by how many times I call, what things I invite them too, who many times I email, etc. It's so tiresome and not something at my age I am interested in. When I get friends complaning about this, I do tend to drop them.

Friendships are not as instant or as intense as they were back when we were in school (college, grad school, etc) and it takes time for them to develop.

OP here and I never, never keep 'score' of how 'good' my friends are. Those who live in glass houses can't throw stones, you know. Not sure how you got that from my post. I do realize it takes time and also that I need to make the first move. Loads of time is not something I have right now, like lots of my mom friends. So I do feel like I"m imposing if I call too much or take too much of my friend's time, even talking about 'light' stuff. Also, b/c I don't feel like I have the foundation laid, I feel like it may be inappropriate to divulge something 'deeper' that may overstep the boundaries and also, by the very nature of the topic, take a lot of time to discuss.

OP- when I said "it takes time for them to develop" exactly how much time did you think I meant? Because it can take a year or more depending on the person and the number of times you see someone. If you start now making some casual friends and stick with the friendships in a few years you are likely to have those deeper relationships you are looking for.

Agree.

I'm a poster who has only 2 deep friendships, one of which is mom I met at my son's daycare 4 years ago. It started that we never said a word, other than grunting out a hi, then moved to small talk, then to standing in the parking lot for 30min talking, then "hey lets get the kids together", then couples dinners (it helps that our husbands get along), then a family vacation, now we talk on the phone just about every day. This whole progression took 4 years to get to where we are now. OP, you might have though our relationship was superficial and it was for well over a year, but we grew closer and closer as time went on.

Our friendship works because we are both busy working moms. We can go weeks without talking and then talk everyday for 2 weeks straight. We don't make heavy demands on each other's time because we don't have much extra time to spare. What makes us click is we have the same sense of humor, the same sharp edges. We both are driven to succeed, and don't wrap our identities into our husbands (as many women do, which can be very annoying) we both are independant and self made. We both come from f'ed up families and when you can relate about that, that tends to bind you close.

With that said, you cannot force friendships, it is about having that moment that you click, it is a lot like dating, you just have to feel it, and it takes a long time to find "the one".