Tangential Spin-Off from Kitchen Pass thread: " I'm not a feminist"

[Anonymous]

14:37, I posted at 14:20 and I wanted to say that I agree with you too! The system is not perfect at all. I think that there are ways to acknowledge both the improvements and the imperfections of the current system. I am proud of our grandmothers, mothers, aunts, etc. for their hard work - in the kitchen, in the factory and also in their struggle to provide more options for their daughters and granddaughters. I am saddened that sometimes it feels like we have more work than we would otherwise have had. I am angry that the glass ceiling still exists and hopeful that with our hard work now, maybe there will be still more and better options for our daughters and granddaughters. I am proud of my husband and yours for rising above the examples of many men who came before and contribute more to the household than a paycheck.

I know that for me, at least, every day is a balancing act. I have an 8 month old daughter who was exclusively breastfed until she was 5 months old. During those 5 months, I did all the feeding. My husband, who is an amazing feminist himself, took responsibility for most of the diapers and most of the laundry. We cook together and clean together and go to doctor's appointments together and later, when she started daycare, we started doing daycare drop off together most mornings. The reality is, however, that his job often has demands that require him to skip drop off and work into the evening (preventing tandem cooking and cleaning), while my job does not have those sorts of demands. The practical result of that is that I end up doing more. Which is fine, actually. It is a choice I made and I stand by my choice.

From reading this board, I have noticed that there seem to be a lot of ladies out there whose husbands are not as involved in family life as ours are. Women who are frazzled from trying to do everything they were doing pre-kid as well as everything related to the kid. I think that's one of the imperfections and the ways in which we can do better in the future, don't you agree?

[Anonymous]

God yes, I am a raging feminist since becoming a mom, being a WOHM, and having a daughter. I used to make fun of the women's studies majors at my liberal arts college and I've probably read more on the subject since becoming a mom two years ago then them! As a WOHM I think I have to be a feminist to reconcile that - there are trade offs to working and I like to highlight the advantages - earning a paycheck, doing a job I love that is making a difference hopefully. And since becoming a mom I'm a hell of a lot more sensitive to women's issues.

Because I am a professional I have a lot of advantages many moms don't - a flexible schedule, my own office to pump in, enough seniority to have some control over my schedule, $ for high quality daycare, etc. So I've become somewhat of an advocate for women who don't have these luxuries and I'm a lot more interested in those kinds of issues.

I also agree with the PPs who pointed out there was NEVER a time in history when most women didn't work. Yes, before the 1970s it was closer to 45% WMs compared to 75-80%% now or whatever but there have always been a fair number of WMs. And I give a shout out to women like my MIL who worked before me - for raising a son who is an awesome working dad and husband of a working mom! I do not think things were better back then. Do you know there was a time not too long ago in our moms' lifetime (or at least our grandmothers' I will check the date) that women could legally be fired for getting married?!?!? That is a fact. You had to be married to own a home, etc. Things were not better. And of my SAHM friends, all of them are very looped in to the family finances, have some money of their own, and if something happens they could go to back to work (maybe not right away, but they are educated and have past work experience, networks, etc.). So I think things are better for all women.

I recently read the book "Influence" (subtitle something about women's economic power) and there is a great quote in there that gives me chills from Hillary Clinton (who I am not a huge fan of but I do respect). I'm butchering it but if was in a speech before the primaries and she said something like "My grandmother was not allowed to vote for the President. Tomorrow my daughter will get to vote for her mom for President."

Wow. I do think the term feminists is an outdated term though.

[Anonymous]

Posted earlier and I meant "than" and not then - I do know the difference! I'm sure lots of other typos too....please spare me grammar police!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want equality. I just want to burn the women who burned their bras that day...

I only wish I could just stay home, be with the kids and have no stress while DH works and brings us the big bucks.

Now back to reality. Bye.

This is a joke right? Because blaming a generation of women advocates for you having to earn a living is pretty selfish and short-sighted. And if you think taking away women's rights would somehow double your husband's paycheck and have the rest of your life be the same you're wrong. We would not have progressed as a country if women weren't working in the numbers they are. Your life would be very different.

[Anonymous]

Grand-daughter and daughter of feminists. My father was one of 3 boys and his mother - born at the turn of the 20th century was a house servant. When she finally got married in her mid-thirties, his father said, "Your mother is never doing housework again." So I had a father who was very active in the home with a mother who was active in the home and worked outside when women did not. We were expected to pull together in our house.

Married a man who is an only child and learned to cook and clean early since his mom worked. We both do a lot around the house, but he does more cleaning/laundry/cooking since he likes it more than me. He completely took care of the kid since he was born - in every way. Baby used to try to nurse with him, because we were so interchangeable to our infant. Happy to now be raising the kind of man who one of your DDs will be delighted to have as a husband when he cooks, cleans and takes care of her, house and the kids - just like my dad and his dad. And even my brother - they have twins.

Moral of the story: feminists certainly freed us from a lack of choice, but the real feminists raised their sons sons to be competent people in a lot of different ways and not let the think there is such a thing as "women's work".

[Anonymous]

I'm absolutely a feminist!

I've always seen myself that way -- as a teenager, as a student, as a voter, as a lawyer, as a wife, and as a mother. For me, it's just common sense. Of course I am in favor of women having equal access to opportunities, equal pay and benefits, equal respect, and maximum freedom of choice in all aspects of life.

I also love men (especially DH!), clothes, make up etc. and consider myself to be quite feminine. It's almost silly to say those things, but then again too many people see them as inconsistent with being a die-hard feminist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm absolutely a feminist!

I've always seen myself that way -- as a teenager, as a student, as a voter, as a lawyer, as a wife, and as a mother. For me, it's just common sense. Of course I am in favor of women having equal access to opportunities, equal pay and benefits, equal respect, and maximum freedom of choice in all aspects of life.

I also love men (especially DH!), clothes, make up etc. and consider myself to be quite feminine. It's almost silly to say those things, but then again too many people see them as inconsistent with being a die-hard feminist.

I feel just the same. Viewing "feminism" as being incompatible with being "feminine" is ridiculous. Any self-respecting woman should see herself as a feminist. We need to remember the women that came before us who made it possible for us to have the wealth of opportunities we have today. It wouldn't have happened if not for their efforts.

[Anonymous]

I'm absolutely a feminist. I was as history major. If you have any clue about the lives of women around the world, historically and even today in many places, how can you NOT stand up and be counted as espousing freedom for those women? Freedom to marry, or not, to work, or not, to own property, to vote, to wear a burqa if they choose - or not! Freedom to be born, not aborted for being a girl. To live and be valued, not dumped in an orphanage. To not have your clitoris removed. To not be raped. To become a mother, or not, as you choose - and to retain your relationship with your children without fearing that their father will take them away, and the law will let him. The freedom to be a doctor, to read, to heal the sick - and not be called a "witch" for it and horribly tortured to death.

I have daughters. I can so easily see a world where they suffer the same fate as so many women who went before us.

Want to know whether you are a feminist or not? For the next week, try calling God "she", "mother", or "goddess" when you pray or talk about God. Surely god doesn't have genitals.... so it's really just our narrow understanding that requires us to conceive of God as having a body and a gender.... so try thinking about god as female. Are most of us even capable of such a heresy?

Didn't think so.

[Anonymous]

Our grandmothers would be sadden by this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Want to know whether you are a feminist or not? For the next week, try calling God "she", "mother", or "goddess" when you pray or talk about God. Surely god doesn't have genitals.... so it's really just our narrow understanding that requires us to conceive of God as having a body and a gender.... so try thinking about god as female. Are most of us even capable of such a heresy?

Didn't think so.

this is exactly why people like to preface their statements with "i'm not a feminist but..."

[Anonymous]

I posted before that I was a raging feminist, but I think there needs to be a new term - maybe advocate - I like to say I advocate for working families (moms and dads) or for women's rights or something of that nature. I think in this day and age we take for granted (which is a luxury and I'm not saying we shouldn't take it for granted at least on a daily basis) that woman (in this country) should have the right to vote, own property, receive higher education, work as professionals, etc. and largely life is not a daily battle for equality.

Yes, we still have large battles to win - the fact that protections for breast feeding at work is only now being legislated on the federal level and it is 2010 - and things like equal pay, more women leaders, politicians, executives, etc., but I'm 35 and in my entire career I've never had someone swat my ass at work, say something about the way I dress, or call me "honey." It was a given I was going to college and then later, grad school, I've had women bosses and a mentors, no shortage of women to look up to, etc.

We've made huge leaps and bounds and our generation has so reaped the benefits from the "feminist" generations before us. So I'm not sure we are fighting/advocating for exactly the same things as "feminists" - and maybe we need a new term for what we are advocating for now.

[Anonymous]

I think the term feminist makes people think the extreme.

My personal opinion is that if you think women have the right to think and speak their opinion, you are a feminist. Even the woman who wants to stay at home and raise her kids can be a feminist. She has a strong opinion and she stated it.

I think we have so many rights now, that we lose sight of what we have (the right to vote, to be treated equal) and complain about what we don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think of my aunt who not too many years before I went to law school graduated from law school near the top of her class but could not work for a law firm AT ALL because none of the big law firms would hire women. Period. Her career was limited solely because she was a woman (and a single one at that so no issues with children or family at that point).

Wasn't this also similar to Sandra Day O'Connor's experience? Think she graduated third in her class at Stanford but was only able to get a job as a secretary. How stupid is that?

[Anonymous]

When I think of the unspeakable atrocities committed against women because of the lack of rights, educational and financial opportunities and respect, I do not see how I cannot strive for more for women. Ask anyone involved in trying to help people in poor countries and they will tell you that the future is in increasing rights and opportunities for women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our grandmothers would be sadden by this thread.

not mine