Promotion isn't what husband expected, and it's affecting home life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would put yourself in his shoes, and ask yourself what type of support you would want. I think the real issue here is that you think you wouldn’t have made a mistake like this, when the reality is that we all make mistakes about things.

This. He thought he understood what the position entailed and what it would be like. It turned out differently. You can’t really know what something will be like until you're in it. He is probably beating himself up about that, but it's a really common thing.

[Anonymous]

We used to set a timer on the Alexa for like a ten minute venting session. It works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would put yourself in his shoes, and ask yourself what type of support you would want. I think the real issue here is that you think you wouldn’t have made a mistake like this, when the reality is that we all make mistakes about things.

This. He thought he understood what the position entailed and what it would be like. It turned out differently. You can’t really know what something will be like until you're in it. He is probably beating himself up about that, but it's a really common thing.

Funny that the OP knew…

[Anonymous]

I don’t have much advice but as someone who just got out of a toxic work situation, your support is absolutely critical to your DH keeping his sanity and health intact.

NO “I told you so!” I can tell just from your OP that it is SO tempting for you! Tell that devil on your shoulder, “not today, Satan!” 😂

[Anonymous]

Time for DH to grow up. Jobs can be difficult. It’s why you get paid.

Does DW work? My own mother couldn’t handle my dad complaining or stressing about work but she didn’t even have a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would put yourself in his shoes, and ask yourself what type of support you would want. I think the real issue here is that you think you wouldn’t have made a mistake like this, when the reality is that we all make mistakes about things.

This. He thought he understood what the position entailed and what it would be like. It turned out differently. You can’t really know what something will be like until you're in it. He is probably beating himself up about that, but it's a really common thing.

I think part of OP's problem is that she did correctly identify the issues her husband is currently struggling with, so I get why she's so frustrated.

[Anonymous]

I this happened to us, they went from 300k/year to 500k so it was more work but you will adjust and the money does help. Hopefully it was for at least 50% increase or else I wouldn't have done it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I this happened to us, they went from 300k/year to 500k so it was more work but you will adjust and the money does help. Hopefully it was for at least 50% increase or else I wouldn't have done it.

Also don't be afraid to hire help to offset the job things like lawn mowing, dog walking, a cook, household manager etc that will help reduce the stress.

[Anonymous]

Is this like he took on an associate dean or dean position in academia for a set term?

I know a lot of people who take those and underestimate the hours and the stress. It is one of those jobs where you don't really know what you are getting into until you are in it.

And while you could officially get out of your contract before a term ends, it would ruin your entire professional reputation, you would lose the respect of colleagues and administration, and would be the talk of the town.

[Anonymous]

Similar issue but it was a longer work commute. I knew the commute would get to him but he insisted it would not be terrible. He is learning to process his work stress during the longer commute home and then tries not to talk about work and his commute at home. Some times he still vents but not as often. And we have an exit plan in place so there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have much advice but as someone who just got out of a toxic work situation, your support is absolutely critical to your DH keeping his sanity and health intact.

NO “I told you so!” I can tell just from your OP that it is SO tempting for you! Tell that devil on your shoulder, “not today, Satan!” 😂

lol, this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband recently accepted a promotion. Long before he even interviewed for the position, he knew it would involve longer hours, more tedious work, and no guarantee that the rewards would come quickly. Because I know him well, I gently raised those concerns before he accepted. I encouraged him to think carefully about whether he was attracted to the actual job or just the idea of a promotion and career advancement.

He was very clear that this was something he had always wanted professionally and that he understood exactly what he was signing up for.

Fast forward to now, and he's exhausted. The benefits he expected haven't materialized in the ways he had expected, the work is draining, and I suspect he's questioning whether he made the right decision. Unfortunately, because of the nature of the position, he can't simply walk away.

The problem is that his unhappiness comes home with him every day. I can tell he's miserable, and it affects the entire household. Part of me wants to say, "This is exactly what we talked about," but I know that wouldn't be productive or kind.

For those who have been in a similar situation, what can I do? How do you support a spouse who is struggling with a decision they knowingly made, while also dealing with the impact that decision is having on you and your family?

How long has it been? A lot of jobs, the first 12-18 months are rocky. There's so much to learn and absorb while also trying to do your job, and maybe even applying skills in a new way. It can take awhile to get to know everyone and get systems in place and sometimes things even out. I'm not sure if this is that type of job.

Vent outward, support inward. It sounds like you knew your husband well enough to have a sense this could be tough for him. What sort of support do you think would help him most? Are you in a position to give it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband recently accepted a promotion. Long before he even interviewed for the position, he knew it would involve longer hours, more tedious work, and no guarantee that the rewards would come quickly. Because I know him well, I gently raised those concerns before he accepted. I encouraged him to think carefully about whether he was attracted to the actual job or just the idea of a promotion and career advancement.

He was very clear that this was something he had always wanted professionally and that he understood exactly what he was signing up for.

Fast forward to now, and he's exhausted. The benefits he expected haven't materialized in the ways he had expected, the work is draining, and I suspect he's questioning whether he made the right decision. Unfortunately, because of the nature of the position, he can't simply walk away.

The problem is that his unhappiness comes home with him every day. I can tell he's miserable, and it affects the entire household. Part of me wants to say, "This is exactly what we talked about," but I know that wouldn't be productive or kind.

For those who have been in a similar situation, what can I do? How do you support a spouse who is struggling with a decision they knowingly made, while also dealing with the impact that decision is having on you and your family?

How long has it been? A lot of jobs, the first 12-18 months are rocky. There's so much to learn and absorb while also trying to do your job, and maybe even applying skills in a new way. It can take awhile to get to know everyone and get systems in place and sometimes things even out. I'm not sure if this is that type of job.

Vent outward, support inward. It sounds like you knew your husband well enough to have a sense this could be tough for him. What sort of support do you think would help him most? Are you in a position to give it?

My question is why do that part gently? Usually a spouse does know the other best and one built in benefit is being able to say 'I have a sneaking suspicion you'll be miserable - and by extension we will be miserable.' I have hated lots of jobs and don't 'bring it home', so if he's the type to share the pain, you should sound the audible warning. I can't imagine a downside. But I will say the downside to doing something gently is now being realized. I do agree with the PPs take to be sure to say you're supportive then and now, but you could've been more forthright.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband recently accepted a promotion. Long before he even interviewed for the position, he knew it would involve longer hours, more tedious work, and no guarantee that the rewards would come quickly. Because I know him well, I gently raised those concerns before he accepted. I encouraged him to think carefully about whether he was attracted to the actual job or just the idea of a promotion and career advancement.

He was very clear that this was something he had always wanted professionally and that he understood exactly what he was signing up for.

Fast forward to now, and he's exhausted. The benefits he expected haven't materialized in the ways he had expected, the work is draining, and I suspect he's questioning whether he made the right decision. Unfortunately, because of the nature of the position, he can't simply walk away.

The problem is that his unhappiness comes home with him every day. I can tell he's miserable, and it affects the entire household. Part of me wants to say, "This is exactly what we talked about," but I know that wouldn't be productive or kind.

For those who have been in a similar situation, what can I do? How do you support a spouse who is struggling with a decision they knowingly made, while also dealing with the impact that decision is having on you and your family?

How long has it been? A lot of jobs, the first 12-18 months are rocky. There's so much to learn and absorb while also trying to do your job, and maybe even applying skills in a new way. It can take awhile to get to know everyone and get systems in place and sometimes things even out. I'm not sure if this is that type of job.

Vent outward, support inward. It sounds like you knew your husband well enough to have a sense this could be tough for him. What sort of support do you think would help him most? Are you in a position to give it?

My question is why do that part gently? Usually a spouse does know the other best and one built in benefit is being able to say 'I have a sneaking suspicion you'll be miserable - and by extension we will be miserable.' I have hated lots of jobs and don't 'bring it home', so if he's the type to share the pain, you should sound the audible warning. I can't imagine a downside. But I will say the downside to doing something gently is now being realized. I do agree with the PPs take to be sure to say you're supportive then and now, but you could've been more forthright.

And then be blamed when he has a midlife crisis after realizing he gave up on a career goal? No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this like he took on an associate dean or dean position in academia for a set term?

I know a lot of people who take those and underestimate the hours and the stress. It is one of those jobs where you don't really know what you are getting into until you are in it.

And while you could officially get out of your contract before a term ends, it would ruin your entire professional reputation, you would lose the respect of colleagues and administration, and would be the talk of the town.

Guessing he's military and OP thinks "DoD worker got more work without more pay" is just way too personally-identifying of a situation