How to deal with resentment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I’m wondering how people deal the resentment that starts to build up towards others after births?

My husband has a hard time with follow through. He always has before I even got pregnant so that’s why I would give him small tasks that weren’t the most important. Plus he works full time with a physically and mentally draining job while I stay home and care for our baby, house, and animals. Now I feel like crap for asking for help. Because he never remembers and if he does remember I end up doing it anyways and then he feels guilty for not doing it. Then I feel guilty and angry for asking for his help.

My biggest fear when I was pregnant was growing to resent my partner and it’s starting to happen. I give him so much down time when he is home from work. But I’m stuck at home all day with our baby. I love my baby I really do but he is a newborn and I’m struggling. I’m exhausted and I’m medicated due to my mental health. I feel completely alone in this and I don’t know what to do.

I have a really supportive family but they live an hour and a half from us and I feel guilty for constantly needing their help. They are using so much gas to come help me. They are draining their accounts to pay for things for the baby.

What do I do? I’m already in therapy. I already am medicated and I don’t feel like it’s helping. So what do I do?

Just asking for clarification you say he works FT in a physical job and then say you dont have money to hire help because he isnt getting his contracted hours---which is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband works out of the house all day. You care for the baby all day. Both are full time jobs but I promise you that home with the baby is harder. You BOTH deserve down time. When my kids were tiny, we framed this as both of us needing a similar amount of time in our day where we weren’t needed by someone else (employer or baby). It’s hardest when the baby is new and unpredictable but your husband should share the baby and house care, as much as possible, when he is home.

Amen! Say it louder!

I’m sorry you’re going through this, and you sound like a reasonable person who has looked at different angles here. Except that, your husband doesn’t have a memory problem. He probably wouldn’t be able to fulfill his demanding job if he really did. You are his partner not his project manager — and sadly too many men act like this towards their wives and treat it like she’s just better at those life skills.

If he won’t hear you out that this is not acceptable and is incredibly unfair to you, you can try communicating through it with a third party (ie, couples counseling) which will be pricey for sure. So maybe you want to try discussing with him 1:1 but I really hope you change your framing. You are not demanding or nagging or unreasonable — you deserve a partner, and he needs to take responsibility in caring for the child and home that he signed up for. It doesn’t mean it’ll be exactly “50/50” as that will shift from time to time depending on what life throws at you, but no coasting allowed — don’t put up with it.

[Anonymous]

Don't have any more kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I’m wondering how people deal the resentment that starts to build up towards others after births?

My husband has a hard time with follow through. He always has before I even got pregnant so that’s why I would give him small tasks that weren’t the most important. Plus he works full time with a physically and mentally draining job while I stay home and care for our baby, house, and animals. Now I feel like crap for asking for help. Because he never remembers and if he does remember I end up doing it anyways and then he feels guilty for not doing it. Then I feel guilty and angry for asking for his help.

My biggest fear when I was pregnant was growing to resent my partner and it’s starting to happen. I give him so much down time when he is home from work. But I’m stuck at home all day with our baby. I love my baby I really do but he is a newborn and I’m struggling. I’m exhausted and I’m medicated due to my mental health. I feel completely alone in this and I don’t know what to do.

I have a really supportive family but they live an hour and a half from us and I feel guilty for constantly needing their help. They are using so much gas to come help me. They are draining their accounts to pay for things for the baby.

What do I do? I’m already in therapy. I already am medicated and I don’t feel like it’s helping. So what do I do?

You have him small tasks? He is your husband and a grown man! Imperfect women who demand a perfect man leads to divorce.

[Anonymous]

I have a tip for you - do laundry when the baby does laundry ... lol

seriously being home with a newborn is rough. It was a huge relief for me when baby went to daycare at 5 months. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the memory issues...

Figure out what DH needs to do. Make a checklist (with daily or weekly tasks and when they need to be completed) and give it to him in a nice way.

If my husband handed me a list of tasks that needed tbe done daily or weekly. I would throw it back in his face. Marriage is a partnership not a boss/employee situation.

[Anonymous]

OP you had a child with a person you knew would suck at being a helper. Why in the world would you do that?

Now you have two choices stay or leave?

He is not working his full "contracted hours" according to you hence he can dam well help.

Start becoming independent. Your kid sleeps you sleep. Your kid sleeps you research jobs or going back to school. Plenty of women before you have worked and taken care of their kids with no man.

[Anonymous]

You’re in the hardest spot now. You have a baby which is wonderful and completely exhausting. You are both maxed out.

All that I can say is that it gets easier closer to a year old when the baby is more predictable and sleeps well overnight.

Walk with another mom and her baby. Sounds so basic but makes you feel better. This is my top tip along with take daily walks generally. I did one nap a day in the bassinet stroller and it helped!

Breastfed and baby wear to get the oxytocin flowing. Cradle baby to your left. Mine was NICU and I couldn’t breastfeed which was a bummer. But skin to skin during baby’s morning nap and baby wearing helped the connection between us. Wishing you the best!

[Anonymous]

Why do women have babies when they have absolutely no idea of what they are doing! Babies are not fun. They are a hell of a lot of work because they are helpless, useless creatures for a very long time and demand all of your life. There is no "me" time unless you can afford to hire help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the memory issues...

Figure out what DH needs to do. Make a checklist (with daily or weekly tasks and when they need to be completed) and give it to him in a nice way.

If my husband handed me a list of tasks that needed tbe done daily or weekly. I would throw it back in his face. Marriage is a partnership not a boss/employee situation.

Then her DH should act like a partner instead of a wee intern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you had a child with a person you knew would suck at being a helper. Why in the world would you do that?

Now you have two choices stay or leave?

He is not working his full "contracted hours" according to you hence he can dam well help.

Start becoming independent. Your kid sleeps you sleep. Your kid sleeps you research jobs or going back to school. Plenty of women before you have worked and taken care of their kids with no man.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do women have babies when they have absolutely no idea of what they are doing! Babies are not fun. They are a hell of a lot of work because they are helpless, useless creatures for a very long time and demand all of your life. There is no "me" time unless you can afford to hire help.

This! It's maddening to me people don't plan ahead. All of this is completely predictable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do women have babies when they have absolutely no idea of what they are doing! Babies are not fun. They are a hell of a lot of work because they are helpless, useless creatures for a very long time and demand all of your life. There is no "me" time unless you can afford to hire help.

This! It's maddening to me people don't plan ahead. All of this is completely predictable.

"My husband has a hard time with follow through."
"He always has before I even got pregnant"
"My biggest fear when I was pregnant was growing to resent my partner and it’s starting to happen"

This outcome was 100% expected. This is your man. I'm sorry for OP but, this is your man. I do feel for the child.

[Anonymous]

Is he also not paying for things for the baby?