How to deal with resentment

[Anonymous]

Hi, I’m wondering how people deal the resentment that starts to build up towards others after births?

My husband has a hard time with follow through. He always has before I even got pregnant so that’s why I would give him small tasks that weren’t the most important. Plus he works full time with a physically and mentally draining job while I stay home and care for our baby, house, and animals. Now I feel like crap for asking for help. Because he never remembers and if he does remember I end up doing it anyways and then he feels guilty for not doing it. Then I feel guilty and angry for asking for his help.

My biggest fear when I was pregnant was growing to resent my partner and it’s starting to happen. I give him so much down time when he is home from work. But I’m stuck at home all day with our baby. I love my baby I really do but he is a newborn and I’m struggling. I’m exhausted and I’m medicated due to my mental health. I feel completely alone in this and I don’t know what to do.

I have a really supportive family but they live an hour and a half from us and I feel guilty for constantly needing their help. They are using so much gas to come help me. They are draining their accounts to pay for things for the baby.

What do I do? I’m already in therapy. I already am medicated and I don’t feel like it’s helping. So what do I do?

[Anonymous]

This is a lot to unpack. First of all, you have a newborn. Your hormones are crazy, you are sleep deprived and taking regular showers seems like a monumental task. Focus on your mental health. Arrange to see your health professional if you think your prescription isn’t helping.

Now, onto the husband stuff. Can he handle a list of whatever chores you need done? I would pin him down to an exact day when each item would be completed. This will take the nagging out of the equation. If he doesn’t complete the task, can you hire it out?

[Anonymous]

I am seeing my therapist twice a week and my psychiatrist once a month. I just was put on some more medication so we are waiting and seeing.

My husband has a memory problem. I swear sometimes it’s worse than mine. I’m the kind of person that has to write everything down. I just fear that making a list just puts too much on him. He works full time and is out of town for the majority of the month. I am left home alone with our baby for a good majority of the time. Which leads to me feeling more weighed down. When he’s home I’m snappy and rude and when he’s gone I miss him so much and just want him to come back. It’s unfair to him how I treat him and I’m working on myself to try to limit the rudeness. I just don’t know what else I can do. I’m worn out and he has nothing left to give. So where does that leave us?

[Anonymous]

Can you afford to hire help?

[Anonymous]

It won’t solve the husband problem but you need friends to do things with, with the baby during the day.
See if there are any moms groups near you. Just going for a walk with another mom or getting coffee can make the day more enjoyable.
What exactly is it you need from your husband? A break from the baby now and again? If so you need to make it happen. When you know he’ll be home in the evening, tell him you need to run a couple of errands and you’ll be back in 2 hours. He will need to step up and parent. You need to not micromanage that time though.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry that your husband is terrible. I also discovered that mine is a sexist jerk after having a baby. Unless your husband has an actual memory issue like a TBI, what he really has is typical acquired male laziness and entitlement. He manages to remember things at work. If he behaved at work how he behaves toward you he’d be fired.

Do not put up with this. You are BOTH working a demanding job. His is NOT harder or more important. You deserve rest just as much. He needs to step up and parent immediately. Tell him he’s not pulling his weight and is making You resent him. Ask him how your baby will feel someday when they find out their dad treated their mother badly and didn’t help at all. If it’s a daughter, ask if how he’s behaving now is how he’d want his daughter to be treated by her husband someday.

I’m really sorry, OP. Patriarchal society harms us all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you afford to hire help?

Afraid not. We are tight on money since he’s the only one who works. And his job hasn’t been giving him his contracted hours.

[Anonymous]

What is his reaction when you talk to him about this? What does he say when you point out that you haven't had a break all day and could use one?

Can he make himself lists? Reminders? Put things in the calendar?

The harsh reality is that this is who he is. You knew that before having a baby and you're setting yourself up for failure by expecting him to have changed.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. All I can say is don’t have a second baby. It’s not twice as bad. It’s like 3x as bad.

[Anonymous]

Couples therapy. Though that's rarely covered by insurance, and it sounds like money's tight. But I'd call it an investment at this point.

[Anonymous]

For the memory issues...

Figure out what DH needs to do. Make a checklist (with daily or weekly tasks and when they need to be completed) and give it to him in a nice way.

[Anonymous]

Your husband works out of the house all day. You care for the baby all day. Both are full time jobs but I promise you that home with the baby is harder. You BOTH deserve down time. When my kids were tiny, we framed this as both of us needing a similar amount of time in our day where we weren’t needed by someone else (employer or baby). It’s hardest when the baby is new and unpredictable but your husband should share the baby and house care, as much as possible, when he is home.

[Anonymous]

After the birth of a new baby, life seems out of whack immediately afterward.

This stage is temporary thankfully but it is one of the most difficult stages of parenting believe me.

Would you be okay w/some childcare help during the day?
Perhaps a Mother’s Helper or a babysitter??

Having an extra set of hands around so that you can take a bath or shower, run a few errands or simply catch up on your zzz’s can make a HUGE difference during this challenging time.

[Anonymous]

Well, definitely do NOT have any more kids. That's step one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband works out of the house all day. You care for the baby all day. Both are full time jobs but I promise you that home with the baby is harder. You BOTH deserve down time. When my kids were tiny, we framed this as both of us needing a similar amount of time in our day where we weren’t needed by someone else (employer or baby). It’s hardest when the baby is new and unpredictable but your husband should share the baby and house care, as much as possible, when he is home.

1000% this.