I’ve been a bad mom for 12 months

[Anonymous]

I would do family therapy, mainly because I think you might be engaged in wishful thinking that you can snap back over night. It’s going to be a process to adjust to appropriately regulating your own emotions. A new house isn’t going to immediately fix that.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you everyone for all the advice. It’s very helpful and sobering, especially the PP whose relationship with their mom was altered from then on.

[Anonymous]

Different personalities have different tolerances for the behaviors you described. Do your kids have behaviors, dropped grades, depression, or something that warrants them needing therapy. Probably the person who needs therapy the most is you, to learn better coping strategies when you are frustrated. If your children seem like they are coping, rather than therapy, use the money for experiences you can enjoy as a family.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Last year was very difficult. We moved out of state and I handled the stress and setbacks horribly. A lot of mom rage directed at my 3 sons - 13, 11 and 9. Our rental was a dump, they hated their new schools, I took my guilt out on them instead of just being patient with the adjustment. Well, we survived, moved into a beautiful home and I feel like garbage reflecting on what a moody, abusive JERK I was. Short tempered, vicious, tearful. It wasn’t all bad but a highlight reel of my “greatest hits” keeps looping. I apologized and said, I’m so sorry for the last year. You are all amazing. And I’m making an effort to not be so reactive. Can anyone share how they’ve repaired after a bad patch? Before our move I was a typical mom with grouchy times (overall loving) but this year was harsh.[/quote]

"A word is dead when it is said, some say.
I say it just begins to live that day."
Emily Dickinson

Children remember vicious comments and you can apologize until Hell freezes over but they don't forget.
What you did was terrible even if everything been their fault your behavior is inexcusable. I know from m whereof I speak because I had a parent like you. Those hateful, hate-filled mean words stay with a child forever.

Other posters will give you a pass because life was hard. Well, it is was also very hard for your children and you were the only person they had to love and to help them through the hard times and you failed
miserably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is “mom rage”?

let me Google that for you

Mom rage is the uncontrolled anger that's common for mothers to feel that stems from the impossible expectations of modern motherhood.

Mom rage is an intense, often sudden, burst of anger that many moms experience, and it can be confusing and distressing.

Mom rage is the intense, seemingly disproportionate anger that many mothers experience — often triggered by something minor — that erupts suddenly and feels completely out of character.

Treating your children with kindness and love is not an impossible expectation. I feel so sorry for OP's children to have had such a rotten parent.

Child have humongous capacity for understanding and even forgiveness but you don't get a pass for "that's life" for OP's abuse for a year.

Verbal abuse leaves scars inside that never heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. Things I said, “I’m sick of your shit” “You don’t give a shit? Fine! F&&& it!” (With regards to me perceiving my oldest as being lazy and triggering mom rage) slamming doors. “I’m turning myself inside out for you”

How they looked - 13 yo deer in headlights. Teases me later. 11 yo crying. 9 year old crying. One day I felt like a kamikaze pilot just going all in on being terrible.

Tonight I made them ice cream. I gave them all hugs. This house will be a new beginning.

You actually speak to your children like this. Lady, this is verbal abuse and it won't be long before you hit them if haven't already done so. Your DH needs to take over the discipline of the children. If my DH had ever spoken to our children in this way and used the f bomb, I would have told him to leave. Inexcusable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many times a day did you yell or say mean things?

Yelling once a day is one time too many

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Last year was very difficult. We moved out of state and I handled the stress and setbacks horribly. A lot of mom rage directed at my 3 sons - 13, 11 and 9. Our rental was a dump, they hated their new schools, I took my guilt out on them instead of just being patient with the adjustment. Well, we survived, moved into a beautiful home and I feel like garbage reflecting on what a moody, abusive JERK I was. Short tempered, vicious, tearful. It wasn’t all bad but a highlight reel of my “greatest hits” keeps looping. I apologized and said, I’m so sorry for the last year. You are all amazing. And I’m making an effort to not be so reactive. Can anyone share how they’ve repaired after a bad patch? Before our move I was a typical mom with grouchy times (overall loving) but this year was harsh.[/quote]

"A word is dead when it is said, some say.
I say it just begins to live that day."
Emily Dickinson

Children remember vicious comments and you can apologize until Hell freezes over but they don't forget.
What you did was terrible even if everything been their fault your behavior is inexcusable. I know from m whereof I speak because I had a parent like you. Those hateful, hate-filled mean words stay with a child forever.

Other posters will give you a pass because life was hard. Well, it is was also very hard for your children and you were the only person they had to love and to help them through the hard times and you failed
miserably.[/quote]

I had/have a verbally abusive father who has raging outbursts. It has traumatized me a lot, but I could move on if my dad a) acknowledged his behavior is completely unacceptable; b) engaged in consistent therapy and/or anger management beyond a one-off session; c) stopped making jokes about the incidents in an attempt to downplay what happened; d) sincerely and fully apologized to me with no “but” or suggestion that I’m overreacting; and e) most importantly, actually stopped the abusive outbursts.

If OP can do the above, I am confident her kids can recover from a bad year. But it’s a lot of work on OP’s part.

[Anonymous]

It’s sounds like you’ve apologized. The best way to make sure your kids get over it is by you finding different ways to deal with your frustration. No doubt, they will continue to be frustrating! But if you handle it better from here on out, last year won’t be memorable or something they hold on to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I may be in the minority here, but I would watch closely and if it seems necessary, do family therapy. Our family went through something similar when I was very young (six turning seven). We were moving and my dad moved before the rest of us, so my mom was alone with three kids for half a year. My mom was awful for about six months - yelled all the time, slammed doors, was downright mean, occasional slap, etc. Even though it ended after we moved, it set the stage for my relationship with her for the rest of my life, and I’ve never felt close to her. I also remember all of it. It seemed to have no impact on my siblings, though most of her ire was directed at me (the youngest). So, just watch your kids, and don’t hesitate to go to therapy with them if needed. If you have acknowledged what you did and apologized, that will be a big help.

Yes, I would say holding on to this has more to do with YOU and your personality. My dad died when I was a kid and my mom had mom rage, never once went to my sports events, barely knew what I was doing for years. I still see all that she did for me under impossible pressure, just by carrying on with life and keeping her job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. Things I said, “I’m sick of your shit” “You don’t give a shit? Fine! F&&& it!” (With regards to me perceiving my oldest as being lazy and triggering mom rage) slamming doors. “I’m turning myself inside out for you”

How they looked - 13 yo deer in headlights. Teases me later. 11 yo crying. 9 year old crying. One day I felt like a kamikaze pilot just going all in on being terrible.

Tonight I made them ice cream. I gave them all hugs. This house will be a new beginning.

You actually speak to your children like this. Lady, this is verbal abuse and it won't be long before you hit them if haven't already done so. Your DH needs to take over the discipline of the children. If my DH had ever spoken to our children in this way and used the f bomb, I would have told him to leave. Inexcusable.

Get over yourself. She did the best she could. I’m sure she was good to them in between but she is remembering only the bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I may be in the minority here, but I would watch closely and if it seems necessary, do family therapy. Our family went through something similar when I was very young (six turning seven). We were moving and my dad moved before the rest of us, so my mom was alone with three kids for half a year. My mom was awful for about six months - yelled all the time, slammed doors, was downright mean, occasional slap, etc. Even though it ended after we moved, it set the stage for my relationship with her for the rest of my life, and I’ve never felt close to her. I also remember all of it. It seemed to have no impact on my siblings, though most of her ire was directed at me (the youngest). So, just watch your kids, and don’t hesitate to go to therapy with them if needed. If you have acknowledged what you did and apologized, that will be a big help.

Yes, I would say holding on to this has more to do with YOU and your personality. My dad died when I was a kid and my mom had mom rage, never once went to my sports events, barely knew what I was doing for years. I still see all that she did for me under impossible pressure, just by carrying on with life and keeping her job.

Wow, aggressive much? PP was just sharing their experience. Sounds like you have a well of anger in you…wonder where that comes from? Get thee to therapy, especially if you have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. Things I said, “I’m sick of your shit” “You don’t give a shit? Fine! F&&& it!” (With regards to me perceiving my oldest as being lazy and triggering mom rage) slamming doors. “I’m turning myself inside out for you”

How they looked - 13 yo deer in headlights. Teases me later. 11 yo crying. 9 year old crying. One day I felt like a kamikaze pilot just going all in on being terrible.

Tonight I made them ice cream. I gave them all hugs. This house will be a new beginning.

You actually speak to your children like this. Lady, this is verbal abuse and it won't be long before you hit them if haven't already done so. Your DH needs to take over the discipline of the children. If my DH had ever spoken to our children in this way and used the f bomb, I would have told him to leave. Inexcusable.

Get over yourself. She did the best she could. I’m sure she was good to them in between but she is remembering only the bad.

Going through difficult times is no excuse to do this. It may be an explanation, but it’s not an excuse. You sound like a mother who has done similar and then blames her own children for not having a good relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

When did we decide to rebrand child abuse as “mom rage”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I may be in the minority here, but I would watch closely and if it seems necessary, do family therapy. Our family went through something similar when I was very young (six turning seven). We were moving and my dad moved before the rest of us, so my mom was alone with three kids for half a year. My mom was awful for about six months - yelled all the time, slammed doors, was downright mean, occasional slap, etc. Even though it ended after we moved, it set the stage for my relationship with her for the rest of my life, and I’ve never felt close to her. I also remember all of it. It seemed to have no impact on my siblings, though most of her ire was directed at me (the youngest). So, just watch your kids, and don’t hesitate to go to therapy with them if needed. If you have acknowledged what you did and apologized, that will be a big help.

Yes, I would say holding on to this has more to do with YOU and your personality. My dad died when I was a kid and my mom had mom rage, never once went to my sports events, barely knew what I was doing for years. I still see all that she did for me under impossible pressure, just by carrying on with life and keeping her job.

Wow, aggressive much? PP was just sharing their experience. Sounds like you have a well of anger in you…wonder where that comes from? Get thee to therapy, especially if you have children.

Sorry but poor me culture rubs me the wrong way. I think you have a warped idea of what mothering historically has been. Kids died, moms died, they gave their kids to orphanages (all within the last century btw. Before that it was worse.) you think people didn’t yell? And that if they did they weren’t good moms? It’s ok to mess up sometimes and to forgive yourself without therapy.