I’ve been a bad mom for 12 months

[Anonymous]

Last year was very difficult. We moved out of state and I handled the stress and setbacks horribly. A lot of mom rage directed at my 3 sons - 13, 11 and 9. Our rental was a dump, they hated their new schools, I took my guilt out on them instead of just being patient with the adjustment. Well, we survived, moved into a beautiful home and I feel like garbage reflecting on what a moody, abusive JERK I was. Short tempered, vicious, tearful. It wasn’t all bad but a highlight reel of my “greatest hits” keeps looping. I apologized and said, I’m so sorry for the last year. You are all amazing. And I’m making an effort to not be so reactive. Can anyone share how they’ve repaired after a bad patch? Before our move I was a typical mom with grouchy times (overall loving) but this year was harsh.

[Anonymous]

How many times a day did you yell or say mean things?

[Anonymous]

I once had a family vacation like that. Felt terrible for years. Turns out the kids don’t even remember it. Give yourself some grace; it’s hard sometimes. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

What did they say and how did their faces look when you apologized?

Everyone in a family reacts differently to a move.

I moved before 7th grade. My dad got a new job which he ended up hating. My mom loved the new house and neighborhood. I hated the new neighborhood and school. My little sister was neutral and clueless, along for the ride. This was MoCo, W-school land, btw.

We had to move the next school year because my dad got depressed due to the terrible job fit. He found another job that moved us to another state. Everybody was happy there.

Much later I became aware that my dad had been on depression medication that year and was a lot more unhappy than I had noticed at the time. What I thought was a logical response to a bad job was more of a Hail Mary play by my parents. Luckily the economy was strong so it didn't damage our family finances.

My point being - you need to know what your kids experienced to understand how to feel about this. It's quite possible they accepted that the move was stressful and made you grumpy. Make amends but don't torture yourself unnecessarily.

[Anonymous]

PP. Oh, also...I was mostly caught up in my own school hating that year. And making new friends. Anything happening with my parents was deprioritized.

[Anonymous]

What is “mom rage”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is “mom rage”?

let me Google that for you

Mom rage is the uncontrolled anger that's common for mothers to feel that stems from the impossible expectations of modern motherhood.

Mom rage is an intense, often sudden, burst of anger that many moms experience, and it can be confusing and distressing.

Mom rage is the intense, seemingly disproportionate anger that many mothers experience — often triggered by something minor — that erupts suddenly and feels completely out of character.

[Anonymous]

Thank you. Things I said, “I’m sick of your shit” “You don’t give a shit? Fine! F&&& it!” (With regards to me perceiving my oldest as being lazy and triggering mom rage) slamming doors. “I’m turning myself inside out for you”

How they looked - 13 yo deer in headlights. Teases me later. 11 yo crying. 9 year old crying. One day I felt like a kamikaze pilot just going all in on being terrible.

Tonight I made them ice cream. I gave them all hugs. This house will be a new beginning.

[Anonymous]

All of you need therapy, ASAP. They may pretend like they’ve forgotten, but they haven’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of you need therapy, ASAP. They may pretend like they’ve forgotten, but they haven’t.

I disagree. If the 13 year old was teasing her later, he's recovered from it.

The little ones might be a little scared of mom's moods but if she apologized and they looked okay, they probably are fine.

This is why it's good to be gentle with real little kids...that's how you form "secure attachment".

[Anonymous]

Just be better now. No big deal. You're human. Nothing you said was on the level of "I hate you" or "you're a waste of space" so you're fine.

[Anonymous]

The "flaky" mom at best, the "abusive" mon at worst.

I agree with another PP. The family needs therapy. Else, these kids will need therapy later in life.

Wow!!

Also, who has three kids by choice and is happy?? I completely understand who end up having multiples. That is a completely different dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would address it, acknowledge you were wrong, reiterate your love, and move on. Give yourself grace. I wouldn’t seek out therapy for the kids unless there are clear ongoing effects of the incidents. But if you feel it would be helpful for you (without the kids), go for it.

[Anonymous]

Learn from it.
Do better in the future.
Listen to your kids talk about it, and pay attention to what they need to move on (an apology? A promise to do better? Therapy?)
Allow your kids to feel how they feel.
Forgive yourself.
Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

So, I may be in the minority here, but I would watch closely and if it seems necessary, do family therapy. Our family went through something similar when I was very young (six turning seven). We were moving and my dad moved before the rest of us, so my mom was alone with three kids for half a year. My mom was awful for about six months - yelled all the time, slammed doors, was downright mean, occasional slap, etc. Even though it ended after we moved, it set the stage for my relationship with her for the rest of my life, and I’ve never felt close to her. I also remember all of it. It seemed to have no impact on my siblings, though most of her ire was directed at me (the youngest). So, just watch your kids, and don’t hesitate to go to therapy with them if needed. If you have acknowledged what you did and apologized, that will be a big help.