Reply to Dealing with friendships when girls don’t like another girl

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Gosh. Your attitude is such a different approach than my mom would’ve had. My mother taught me to be kind and inclusive. She discouraged me from being in clicks that looked down on friendships outside the click or didn’t welcome people in. If they won’t be friends with her just because she wants to be friends with Ellen, they’re not good friends and she’s better off without them. You should be encouraging your child to be inclusive and kind and to have different groups of friends. It’s not good to rely on one exclusive little group.[/quote]

A problem though is the if the other girls really don't like Ellen, and the DD includes Ellen whenever she gets together with the group because her mom said she had to, the other girls will likely just start hanging out without DD at all.

And I know you'll say "good, they weren't good friends anyway if they wouldn't be inclusive." But, uh, do you choose your own friends or no? If someone told you that you HAD to be friends with someone who rubbed you the wrong way, would you do it? What if your best friend started bringing around someone who drove you nuts every time you hung out? Would you keep doing it? My guess is no.

I would make sure DD knows that no amount of gossip or meanness is okay -- no talking about Ellen with the other girls or excluding Ellen on purpose or whatever. But it's perfectly okay to just recognize that the other girls and Ellen dont' get along, and just hang out with them each separately. As long as there isn't gossip or meanness, there's no reason for this to be a problem. Lots of people have multiple friend groups. I have some friends who, when they are around each other, really get on each other's nerves. No problem, I just don't do things with them together. Occasionally they will both be at an event I host and they are mature enough to be cool at those events. But it's very occasional, maybe once or twice a year.[/quote]

I think the PP's point was that if ABC don't want to be friends with DD because DD is hanging out with Ellen at OTHER TIMES- like, having play dates or sleepovers or occasionally hanging out with her at recess instead of ABC- then that's toxic, controlling behavior from ABC and good riddance.  But I also agree with others that in 6 weeks, the school year is over, middle school is starting next year, and this will all come out in the wash anyways.  [/quote]

This is OP.  I think ABC cares about DD hanging out with Ellen during recess because that means DD is not hanging out with them.  What they do outside of school e.g., play dates is not a big deal, IMO.  We’ve made some plans for DD and Ellen to hang out over the summer.  But their school goes through 8th grade, so the girls will all be together next year, too.[/quote]

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