Expensive out-of-town concert—how to help teen handle disappointment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not an item to break into emergency fund for…

OP here. Absolutely not! Hence the post! With that said, any advice for explaining this to a 15yo whose life has just been ruined? 😂

Like a PP said, explain once that it's too expensive and not logistically possible and that's the end of the conversation.

My 15 year old asked if she could go to lollapalooza this summer. These kids are crazy and will push as much as they can.

[Anonymous]

She's not thinking of the whole budget, or of the time also required. She's seeing that the concert tickets are "only" $350 and can't understand why you're not willing to make that work.

I bet if you dug deeper (and you don't have to!), you'd find that Larla's mom has a college friend in the concert city and they're staying there, or that they're going because Larla's brother is graduating from college that weekend so they already planned to take time off from school/work...

My young teen once got ridiculously upset because he wanted to go to a big concert (in DC area) on a school night that was guaranteed to end after midnight. I told him that just didn't line up with how we wanted him to spend his weeknights and he raged and raged. I just kept saying how sorry I was he was so upset, and reminded him that when he was in college he'd be able to be in charge of his schedule and could do all the things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not an item to break into emergency fund for…

OP here. Absolutely not! Hence the post! With that said, any advice for explaining this to a 15yo whose life has just been ruined? 😂

People are having a hard time explaining it to you. I think we could explain it to your 15 year old in 3 seconds.

Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not an item to break into emergency fund for…

OP here. Absolutely not! Hence the post! With that said, any advice for explaining this to a 15yo whose life has just been ruined? 😂

"I'm sorry sweetie. I know this is disappointing. We don't have the money for this activity." Rinse and repeat.

It's not just about this concert. I'm guessing she is sensing that you all have less disposable income in general. This is a good time to discuss her getting a job to have some spending money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not an item to break into emergency fund for…

OP here. Absolutely not! Hence the post! With that said, any advice for explaining this to a 15yo whose life has just been ruined? 😂

Just let her life be ruined. It's ok for teenagers to feel disappointment and frustration. Dealing with difficult feelings are simply a part of living. You tell her the real, not sugar-coated reasons you won't be attending, and that's the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not an item to break into emergency fund for…

OP here. Absolutely not! Hence the post! With that said, any advice for explaining this to a 15yo whose life has just been ruined? 😂

Just let her life be ruined. It's ok for teenagers to feel disappointment and frustration. Dealing with difficult feelings are simply a part of living. You tell her the real, not sugar-coated reasons you won't be attending, and that's the end.

Thank you. Through this thread, I’m realizing the real issue is my own sense of guilt, and I don’t know why, because she’s fortunate enough to have many of her “wants” met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 15 she should be able to understand that it's just too expensive. She is not 5 anymore. I don't know why you're feeling guilty about this at all.

Well, of course I feel bad. I remember being 15 and seeing my favorite band in concert, and what an awesome experience that was. Of course I want to give her that same experience and feel bad that I can’t make it work for her.

OP the music industry has changed since we were 15. The profits used to be in radio exposure, and now they're in concerts. Concerts are a luxury item. The DMV is full of families who can afford luxuries. But other families make financial trade-offs to afford things. And other families go into credit card debt.

Over-explaining will send the message that you aren't confident in your priorities and financial decisions. Over-empathizing will send the message that you think she can't handle disappointment. Over-discussing will buy into her message about the importance of this concert.

[Anonymous]

OP this isn’t advice for your daughter, but it’s a good idea for you to take a step back and look at this whole situation.

When did it become “normal“ for a teenager to attend an out-of-town event that cost several hundred dollars and includes travel and lodging and requires a parent to miss work? Understanding that in the age of the Eras Tour this is something lots of kids did, but if you step away from the idea as a whole and examine it, it’s actually pretty ridiculous. Kids can get very caught up in stuff that their friends are doing, but as an adult, you have the perspective of understanding what’s reasonable and what’s not. The budget you’re describing would pay for half of a family vacation.

Part of your job as a parent is helping your kids understand how the world works and unless you’re a very wealthy family, out of town expensive concerts are not a one-off throwaway activity.

In short, you sound like a kind mom but put on some grown-up pants here and have a CTJ talk with DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 15yo desperately wants to attend a concert that would require travel (7-8 hours round trip), a hotel stay, missed school, and time off work. Tickets alone are already out of budget, and adding travel, lodging, and pet boarding makes it financially unrealistic.

She’s very upset and says I’m “ruining her life,” especially since a friend is going with their parent. I understand the disappointment, but this just isn’t something we can responsibly afford.

How can I help her cope with the disappointment and feel heard, while still holding this boundary? Is this just a “give it time” situation, or are there ways to make it easier on her?

Ignore her. Stop repeating yourself, or keep repeating yourself. The concert logistics do not work for us.

Don’t argue with terrorists.

Yah, you have to say no. Give reasons and move on. She will get over it. I am giving this advice knowing I am not very good at it. I'd still say no but explain myself 352 different ways to an angry teen. She not going, out of budget, can't missing school, and can't missing work. The end. What else would you like to that weekend?

[Anonymous]

My teen was incredibly grateful when I got her 2 tickets total $600 for a concert in DC, no hotels or special planning required. She would know that anything more, especially requiring travel, would not be a reasonable thing for us. 15 year olds are old enough to understand what is reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not an item to break into emergency fund for…

OP here. Absolutely not! Hence the post! With that said, any advice for explaining this to a 15yo whose life has just been ruined? 😂

She’s 15. She understands even though she’s angry about it.

“I’m not willing to break into my emergency reserves for this concert because it is not an emergency.”

[Anonymous]

Just let them be upset!

[Anonymous]

You explain it once and then let them be upset. It's normal and okay. This "ruining her life" will pass. She won't hold it against you forever. Let her be upset (though not disrespectful). The more you explain and try to push her to not be upset, the worse she will react.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this isn’t advice for your daughter, but it’s a good idea for you to take a step back and look at this whole situation.

When did it become “normal“ for a teenager to attend an out-of-town event that cost several hundred dollars and includes travel and lodging and requires a parent to miss work? Understanding that in the age of the Eras Tour this is something lots of kids did, but if you step away from the idea as a whole and examine it, it’s actually pretty ridiculous. Kids can get very caught up in stuff that their friends are doing, but as an adult, you have the perspective of understanding what’s reasonable and what’s not. The budget you’re describing would pay for half of a family vacation.

Part of your job as a parent is helping your kids understand how the world works and unless you’re a very wealthy family, out of town expensive concerts are not a one-off throwaway activity.

In short, you sound like a kind mom but put on some grown-up pants here and have a CTJ talk with DD.

Thanks for posting this. This really does put it into perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 15yo desperately wants to attend a concert that would require travel (7-8 hours round trip), a hotel stay, missed school, and time off work. Tickets alone are already out of budget, and adding travel, lodging, and pet boarding makes it financially unrealistic.

She’s very upset and says I’m “ruining her life,” especially since a friend is going with their parent. I understand the disappointment, but this just isn’t something we can responsibly afford.

How can I help her cope with the disappointment and feel heard, while still holding this boundary? Is this just a “give it time” situation, or are there ways to make it easier on her?

You can't help her cope. She must learn to cope with disappointment herself. And the only way to do that is to experience disappointment.

This is a super important skill, and her "want" here is super unimportant in the scheme of things, no matter how much she wants it. So you shouldn't look for ways to make it easier on her. You can say you're sorry she's so upset. And then you wait for her to get over it. And because it's an unimportant want, if she carries on for too long, you should tell her to knock it off.