if your kid confesses before you find out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not punish my daughter the first time she was drinking at 16 years old. We had some serious discussions. We made sure that she had an Uber teen account set up (for, an extreme emergency), that she knew I would not fly off the handle and get angry if she makes another mistake, but knew that there would be consequences if we found she was taking any alcohol out of our house, getting in a car with anyone drinking, etc. I’d rather my kid be honest with me, Come to me when they need me and more than anything be ALIVE than to be sneaking around and hiding, and in situations were there over their head. They’re going to be in college in a year or two and you need to prepare them on how to be a safe drinker. Especially if this is a girl. Consent, covering drinks, not accepting drinks from strangers, buddy system and never letting a friend wander off by themselves, not getting into a car with the stranger, and on and on.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not punish my daughter the first time she was drinking at 16 years old. We had some serious discussions. We made sure that she had an Uber teen account set up (for, an extreme emergency), that she knew I would not fly off the handle and get angry if she makes another mistake, but knew that there would be consequences if we found she was taking any alcohol out of our house, getting in a car with anyone drinking, etc. I’d rather my kid be honest with me, Come to me when they need me and more than anything be ALIVE than to be sneaking around and hiding, and in situations were there over their head. They’re going to be in college in a year or two and you need to prepare them on how to be a safe drinker. Especially if this is a girl. Consent, covering drinks, not accepting drinks from strangers, buddy system and never letting a friend wander off by themselves, not getting into a car with the stranger, and on and on.

This.

I was guardian for a 16-18yo. Honesty meant that she volunteered information, called me to pick her up or arrange an uber home, and generally was safer. Of course I'd prefer that she didn't drink or do anything else risky... but it also meant that I could keep her safe, and because I was always the one to pick her up, I could assess how drunk she was and whether we needed to get her stomach pumped (thankfully not required). The single time someone picked her up and then popped open a can to start drinking? She hopped out at the next red light and called me to pick her up, and then *she* decided that she was never riding with them again. She's 18yo and on her own now... and I trust her never to drink drunk, ride with anyone who might drink later, and protect her drinks (though she is mainly just drinking at friend's houses on special occasions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TALK TO YOUR KID! Praise her for telling you. Ask her how she felt about drinking. Did she feel pressured? Did she like the taste? Like the feeling? Did she have one beer or did she get drunk?

The goal -- for me -- is to keep conversation open and to build her skills for making good choices around alcohol and drugs in the future. I don't think punishment furthers either of those goals.

Agree. Also, consider that "confessing" may be her way of letting you know that she's uncomfortable with what happened and wants your guidance. She's potentially opening a line of communication that you risk cutting off if you go into this with punishment as a mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t have a consequence for this.
My 13yo took a gummy at a friends house. Told me a few days later but had gone to bed at 7pm that night so I wouldn’t notice. I told her that that was consequence enough and I appreciated her honestly. The gummy belonged to the friends dad.
As long as not driving after drinking and they were on a safe space I’d just have a conversation.

WOW. Consequence was a self-imposed early bedtime? No follow up with the friend's parents? JFC.

I would have done the same, with research about what marijuana does to developing brains, then having a discussion with the other parents about locking up their edibles. I want honesty, I can deal with anything else as long as there is a conversation.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone.

We have a family history of alcoholism, on my side as well as on DH's. And, in all honesty, I did not handle this situation very well. I always thought I'd be so much better when the time came! I wouldn't say I was horrible (no yelling or outright 'punishment', but there were consequences less freedom during spring break).

I like the approach of having her do research on alcoholism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone.

We have a family history of alcoholism, on my side as well as on DH's. And, in all honesty, I did not handle this situation very well. I always thought I'd be so much better when the time came! I wouldn't say I was horrible (no yelling or outright 'punishment', but there were consequences less freedom during spring break).

I like the approach of having her do research on alcoholism.

Does she know the family history of alcoholism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone.

We have a family history of alcoholism, on my side as well as on DH's. And, in all honesty, I did not handle this situation very well. I always thought I'd be so much better when the time came! I wouldn't say I was horrible (no yelling or outright 'punishment', but there were consequences less freedom during spring break).

I like the approach of having her do research on alcoholism.

Does she know the family history of alcoholism?

Yes, she does but she still doesn't really get why I react so strongly to binge drinking being normalized. Obviously, genetics does not guarantee alcoholic tendencies but it is an important part to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone.

We have a family history of alcoholism, on my side as well as on DH's. And, in all honesty, I did not handle this situation very well. I always thought I'd be so much better when the time came! I wouldn't say I was horrible (no yelling or outright 'punishment', but there were consequences less freedom during spring break).

I like the approach of having her do research on alcoholism.

OP I am the person who said they did not punish at 16 but had big talks instead. My mother died of alcoholism, so I completely understand. But projecting my mother's disease on my children, and my trauma on my children, does not do anyone any favors but perpetuate trauma. I have SO many times explained that they are more prone to addiction based on our family history. Its very hard for a kid, a teen to grasp that. My teen has even thrown back "you just say that because your mother was an alcoholic" (ouch) and I say, no I just want you alive and healthy. If my mother died of another disease, we would be taking precautions for that instead. Its so hard with teens especially when our past experiences come into play.

[Anonymous]

First, I don’t have a “no lying” policy. Teenagers lie. It’s developmentally normal. I imagine you lied as a teen. Do you punish your teens when you find out they lie? It’s creates a terrible cycle of secrecy and animosity.

Second, my teen would likely tell me outright (because I don’t punish, so they aren’t scared). We’d have a conversation about drunkenness, health, loss of control, how drinking makes us vulnerable to being recorded, humiliated, rape (i have daughters), etc.

That’s it. We’d go on with our day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone.

We have a family history of alcoholism, on my side as well as on DH's. And, in all honesty, I did not handle this situation very well. I always thought I'd be so much better when the time came! I wouldn't say I was horrible (no yelling or outright 'punishment', but there were consequences less freedom during spring break).

I like the approach of having her do research on alcoholism.

OP I am the person who said they did not punish at 16 but had big talks instead. My mother died of alcoholism, so I completely understand. But projecting my mother's disease on my children, and my trauma on my children, does not do anyone any favors but perpetuate trauma. I have SO many times explained that they are more prone to addiction based on our family history. Its very hard for a kid, a teen to grasp that. My teen has even thrown back "you just say that because your mother was an alcoholic" (ouch) and I say, no I just want you alive and healthy. If my mother died of another disease, we would be taking precautions for that instead. Its so hard with teens especially when our past experiences come into play.

Thank you for sharing this. And I’m so sorry about your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anyone on here who thinks a little drinking by a 16 year old is a "serious issue" and that you need to jump into punishment mode is either a troll or doesn't have teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone on here who thinks a little drinking by a 16 year old is a "serious issue" and that you need to jump into punishment mode is either a troll or doesn't have teenagers.

you don't have to think it's a serious issue, but it needs to be treated as one. We all did it as teenagers (most of us at least) and understand that our kids will do the same, but we are not their "buddies" but their parents. You can secretly be ok with it, but you cant just give your kid a free pass to do whatever the hell they want - that's not parenting. So, drinking or any other "questionable" activity needs to be addressed in some way - the kid needs to at least think you "might" have an issue with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone.

We have a family history of alcoholism, on my side as well as on DH's. And, in all honesty, I did not handle this situation very well. I always thought I'd be so much better when the time came! I wouldn't say I was horrible (no yelling or outright 'punishment', but there were consequences less freedom during spring break).

I like the approach of having her do research on alcoholism.

I’m glad you had a conversation and continue to have conversations. It’s such a big deal that your kid is talking to you. Keep that going. That is more important and will have a far greater impact than any punishment.

I would personally not take the cell phone. It’s not relevant to what happened, unless you know they were filming and posting, and I am all about natural consequences. Not hanging out with these friends for a while (maybe not forever) and no sleepovers for a long time would be the natural consequence in our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t have a consequence for this.
My 13yo took a gummy at a friends house. Told me a few days later but had gone to bed at 7pm that night so I wouldn’t notice. I told her that that was consequence enough and I appreciated her honestly. The gummy belonged to the friends dad.
As long as not driving after drinking and they were on a safe space I’d just have a conversation.

WOW. Consequence was a self-imposed early bedtime? No follow up with the friend's parents? JFC.

Of course I followed up with the parents. It wasnt really relevant to the post. Thats how I found out they belonged to the Dad.
I don't want her going over there either

[Anonymous]

Talk to your child about how dangerous it is, and ask them how they propose to earn your trust that they can be safe when unsupervised so that you can let them go out unsupervised.