if your kid confesses before you find out

[Anonymous]

Say your 16-yr-old was at a friend's house and got drunk. But she tells you before you find out from other parents, who found out when their kid came in stumbling and smelling of alcohol.

If you have a 'no lying' policy, how do you handle this type of situation differently than if you found out your kid had been drinking the harder way -- e.g., how the other parents found out or if you asked her and she lied and said "no"?

I'm trying to learn better how to handle this type of situation and would love to learn from others here.

[Anonymous]

It’s still a very serious issue, but you need to stress repeatedly that telling the truth was an excellent choice and plays a role in future trust, your relationship, and privileges.
That being said, it should bear no role on punishment for the crime. No contact whatsoever with the other kids she was waiting, ever. Grounded and no device for a while. Then only supervised communication and visits with vetted people. Possibly change schools.

[Anonymous]

The honesty is far more important than the infraction. Lite on punishment if any for the drinking and more you appreciate the honesty. Otherwise you will stifle future honesty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s still a very serious issue, but you need to stress repeatedly that telling the truth was an excellent choice and plays a role in future trust, your relationship, and privileges.
That being said, it should bear no role on punishment for the crime. No contact whatsoever with the other kids she was waiting, ever. Grounded and no device for a while. Then only supervised communication and visits with vetted people. Possibly change schools.

+1

[Anonymous]

Whatever is the usual punishment shave off 10% of the time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever is the usual punishment shave off 10% of the time

And let them know if you had found out by embarrassingly other means, there would have been a penalty of much more than 10%

[Anonymous]

I'd take that behavior very seriously. What do you think you should do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s still a very serious issue, but you need to stress repeatedly that telling the truth was an excellent choice and plays a role in future trust, your relationship, and privileges.
That being said, it should bear no role on punishment for the crime. No contact whatsoever with the other kids she was waiting, ever. Grounded and no device for a while. Then only supervised communication and visits with vetted people. Possibly change schools.

Insane take.

[Anonymous]

I did not punish my daughter the first time she was drinking at 16 years old. We had some serious discussions. We made sure that she had an Uber teen account set up (for, an extreme emergency), that she knew I would not fly off the handle and get angry if she makes another mistake, but knew that there would be consequences if we found she was taking any alcohol out of our house, getting in a car with anyone drinking, etc. I’d rather my kid be honest with me, Come to me when they need me and more than anything be ALIVE than to be sneaking around and hiding, and in situations were there over their head. They’re going to be in college in a year or two and you need to prepare them on how to be a safe drinker. Especially if this is a girl. Consent, covering drinks, not accepting drinks from strangers, buddy system and never letting a friend wander off by themselves, not getting into a car with the stranger, and on and on.

[Anonymous]

^^ I agree with the above. I don't consider drinking in high school to be a big deal (I did it! I think even my parents did it!) We are lucky that no one in our family has alcohol addiction issues, though. I think if I saw that tendency in us firsthand, I would be more scared.

But I would much rather have my kid figure out alcohol while living under my roof than at college. How to decide when to drink, how much to drink, how to deal in the moment if you're more drunk than you want to be, how to deal with pressure if there is any, how to deal with drunk friends who might make worse decisions, how to get home, how to take care of yourself when you feel poorly and have homework -- these are all decisions they'll make in college and in life. I'd rather them deal with it when I'm there to advise, support, or share sympathy (a hangover is no fun, even if it's your fault.)

If your kid confessed to you, that is a sign that they feel safe with you. I hope you feel good and proud about that, OP. Then it's a moment to share your values, whatever they are: In this family, we don't drink to get drunk except a few times a year, and never before age 21. In this family, we only drink if we're in a controlled situation with people we know. Or whatever it is. Then you see how they take it in, what they think feels reasonable, and what they think they might struggle with. You can offer experiences from your own life if it feels useful. Just today, I told my son about what I did when someone followed me home from the bus stop when I was 14. He really locked in. Different situation, but same context: it's a big wide world, we are lucky to have choices, most people are kind but some are not; here's how to handle it.

[Anonymous]

TALK TO YOUR KID! Praise her for telling you. Ask her how she felt about drinking. Did she feel pressured? Did she like the taste? Like the feeling? Did she have one beer or did she get drunk?

The goal -- for me -- is to keep conversation open and to build her skills for making good choices around alcohol and drugs in the future. I don't think punishment furthers either of those goals.

[Anonymous]

I have a very consistent policy on lying (even for my young kids), your punishment is expanded by a large magnitude - specifically for lying... small infractions might get very severe consequences. On the other hand, when they fess up, even a significant infraction might get a stern talking-to and lighter punishment. We always discuss how and why they are getting punished and specifically for what.

[Anonymous]

Praise the honesty. Big time. You want your kids to trust you instead of working to hide it better next time.

Talk to her about why drinking isn’t good at her age, have her look it up online and do some research. Talk about if you have addiction in your family.

Then discuss what will happen if she drinks again. Lay out your family expectations clearly and with no doubt about consequences.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t have a consequence for this.
My 13yo took a gummy at a friends house. Told me a few days later but had gone to bed at 7pm that night so I wouldn’t notice. I told her that that was consequence enough and I appreciated her honestly. The gummy belonged to the friends dad.
As long as not driving after drinking and they were on a safe space I’d just have a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t have a consequence for this.
My 13yo took a gummy at a friends house. Told me a few days later but had gone to bed at 7pm that night so I wouldn’t notice. I told her that that was consequence enough and I appreciated her honestly. The gummy belonged to the friends dad.
As long as not driving after drinking and they were on a safe space I’d just have a conversation.

WOW. Consequence was a self-imposed early bedtime? No follow up with the friend's parents? JFC.