Avoidant attachment in women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't really get past it. You accept it or not. High ACE scores, which people with attachment problems likely have, are tough.

Yes and no. I'm a woman with disorganized attachment style due to abuse and neglect in childhood plus a major trauma that occurred in my early 20s. I started therapy shortly after that traumatic event and have continued it off and on throughout my adulthood. I'm actually pretty functional at this point -- I'm married in a stable and loving marriage, I'm a mom, I am financially secure, I have a handful of long-term friendships of several decades, etc. All things that are supposed to be very hard for people with my background and attachment style.

Self-awareness is such a huge step. And then forgiveness of self (for having these issues, and also releasing yourself from the blame you have likely assigned to yourself for the abuse or neglect you experienced). Then accountability and responsibility for one's own actions. That last one is critical to being able to sustain relationships over time -- if you can't do it, you become very narcissistic even if you are otherwise self-aware and healing. But if you can do it, the world opens up.

My life is not perfect, I know there are challenges to being my spouse, child, or friend that you might not encounter with someone who doesn't have my background or mental health issues. But I also have a lot of empathy which makes me a good wife, mother, and friend, and am better than average under pressure or in a crisis because of what I have been through in my life.

So all is not lost. You just keep working at it.

I’m also a disorganized attachment style woman.

The biggest thing for me has been learning to stay away from men who can’t handle it. Most can’t, which is fine. I don’t want to make anyone’s life miserable, and I’m not entitled to a relationship.

I’m single now, but the last guy I dated, while he was a great guy and truly tried to learn what I need, he just couldn’t do it in practice. It’s not that he didn’t want to or didn’t care, he just couldn’t do it. We were both fairly miserable and ended things amicably.

I did decades of therapy (from age 15-38) for this and nothing ever helped. So at this point I’m satisfied with being single, and if the right person comes along, great. If not, I’m okay with being single.

If you’re the partner, I’d say educate yourself as much as possible and decide if this is something you want to deal with and are capable of dealing with. If not, there’s no shame in moving on.

PP. I forgot to add - also, take things really, REALLY slowly when dating. The absolute worst thing is to rush into physical or emotional intimacy. Your nervous system needs time to adjust and regulate itself and intimacy gets deeper.

When things move too quickly, it makes the nervous system start firing off “DANGER. DANGER.” Then you pull away or sabotage the relationship in some way to get back to safety. So instead, go slow, keep things at an appropriate and safe level.

[Anonymous]

If they’re avoidant then I avoid them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't really get past it. You accept it or not. High ACE scores, which people with attachment problems likely have, are tough.

Yes and no. I'm a woman with disorganized attachment style due to abuse and neglect in childhood plus a major trauma that occurred in my early 20s. I started therapy shortly after that traumatic event and have continued it off and on throughout my adulthood. I'm actually pretty functional at this point -- I'm married in a stable and loving marriage, I'm a mom, I am financially secure, I have a handful of long-term friendships of several decades, etc. All things that are supposed to be very hard for people with my background and attachment style.

Self-awareness is such a huge step. And then forgiveness of self (for having these issues, and also releasing yourself from the blame you have likely assigned to yourself for the abuse or neglect you experienced). Then accountability and responsibility for one's own actions. That last one is critical to being able to sustain relationships over time -- if you can't do it, you become very narcissistic even if you are otherwise self-aware and healing. But if you can do it, the world opens up.

My life is not perfect, I know there are challenges to being my spouse, child, or friend that you might not encounter with someone who doesn't have my background or mental health issues. But I also have a lot of empathy which makes me a good wife, mother, and friend, and am better than average under pressure or in a crisis because of what I have been through in my life.

So all is not lost. You just keep working at it.

I’m also a disorganized attachment style woman.

The biggest thing for me has been learning to stay away from men who can’t handle it. Most can’t, which is fine. I don’t want to make anyone’s life miserable, and I’m not entitled to a relationship.

I’m single now, but the last guy I dated, while he was a great guy and truly tried to learn what I need, he just couldn’t do it in practice. It’s not that he didn’t want to or didn’t care, he just couldn’t do it. We were both fairly miserable and ended things amicably.

I did decades of therapy (from age 15-38) for this and nothing ever helped. So at this point I’m satisfied with being single, and if the right person comes along, great. If not, I’m okay with being single.

If you’re the partner, I’d say educate yourself as much as possible and decide if this is something you want to deal with and are capable of dealing with. If not, there’s no shame in moving on.

how old are you? my sister is like this and stays single but then she has a few FWBs that she keeps around for entertaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't really get past it. You accept it or not. High ACE scores, which people with attachment problems likely have, are tough.

Yes and no. I'm a woman with disorganized attachment style due to abuse and neglect in childhood plus a major trauma that occurred in my early 20s. I started therapy shortly after that traumatic event and have continued it off and on throughout my adulthood. I'm actually pretty functional at this point -- I'm married in a stable and loving marriage, I'm a mom, I am financially secure, I have a handful of long-term friendships of several decades, etc. All things that are supposed to be very hard for people with my background and attachment style.

Self-awareness is such a huge step. And then forgiveness of self (for having these issues, and also releasing yourself from the blame you have likely assigned to yourself for the abuse or neglect you experienced). Then accountability and responsibility for one's own actions. That last one is critical to being able to sustain relationships over time -- if you can't do it, you become very narcissistic even if you are otherwise self-aware and healing. But if you can do it, the world opens up.

My life is not perfect, I know there are challenges to being my spouse, child, or friend that you might not encounter with someone who doesn't have my background or mental health issues. But I also have a lot of empathy which makes me a good wife, mother, and friend, and am better than average under pressure or in a crisis because of what I have been through in my life.

So all is not lost. You just keep working at it.

I’m also a disorganized attachment style woman.

The biggest thing for me has been learning to stay away from men who can’t handle it. Most can’t, which is fine. I don’t want to make anyone’s life miserable, and I’m not entitled to a relationship.

I’m single now, but the last guy I dated, while he was a great guy and truly tried to learn what I need, he just couldn’t do it in practice. It’s not that he didn’t want to or didn’t care, he just couldn’t do it. We were both fairly miserable and ended things amicably.

I did decades of therapy (from age 15-38) for this and nothing ever helped. So at this point I’m satisfied with being single, and if the right person comes along, great. If not, I’m okay with being single.

If you’re the partner, I’d say educate yourself as much as possible and decide if this is something you want to deal with and are capable of dealing with. If not, there’s no shame in moving on.

PP. I forgot to add - also, take things really, REALLY slowly when dating. The absolute worst thing is to rush into physical or emotional intimacy. Your nervous system needs time to adjust and regulate itself and intimacy gets deeper.

When things move too quickly, it makes the nervous system start firing off “DANGER. DANGER.” Then you pull away or sabotage the relationship in some way to get back to safety. So instead, go slow, keep things at an appropriate and safe level.

Good advice. I would also add - it’s helpful, if possible, to pursue relationships with people who are very clear and direct and consistent communicators (hard to find, unfortunately!). This reduces nervous system static.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience female avoidants are friendly, flirty, curious about you, intelligent and social. They also have shallow friendships, few long-term relationships (unless they are low maintenance), rarely overshare and tend to cheat or leave when things become moderately challenging. I would not do it again.

This was me to a T. I’ve had lots and lots of therapy and managed to turn my life around and start some really deep and intimate relationships. I don’t think I realized how lonely I was until I started opening myself up and how satisfying a relationship can be when you are vulnerable with each other. OTOH, I am a master at small talk, genuinely enjoy it and am the life of a party. It makes me great at my job, which entails building relationships. I think for me, if I was the way I was before and you wanted a relationship with me, calling out my avoidance would be a big factor. G’luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience female avoidants are friendly, flirty, curious about you, intelligent and social. They also have shallow friendships, few long-term relationships (unless they are low maintenance), rarely overshare and tend to cheat or leave when things become moderately challenging. I would not do it again.

This was me to a T. I’ve had lots and lots of therapy and managed to turn my life around and start some really deep and intimate relationships. I don’t think I realized how lonely I was until I started opening myself up and how satisfying a relationship can be when you are vulnerable with each other. OTOH, I am a master at small talk, genuinely enjoy it and am the life of a party. It makes me great at my job, which entails building relationships. I think for me, if I was the way I was before and you wanted a relationship with me, calling out my avoidance would be a big factor. G’luck!

This is what I want to be and understanding myself more as I am getting older. I am 43F and only had two serious relationships in my life. First was with my ex-H who I married at the age of 15/16 for a lot of reasons. Had my first kid when I was 17 and divorced him at the age 40 and then found my ex-fiance and being with him for 2.5 years. He adored me, spent money, took me out on vacations but I got scared and crossed his boundaries a few times. I always used to threaten breaking up whenever we are in a small or big argument and that started the downfall of my relationship. I am still learning how to be in healthy relationships and not take relationships for granted. It requires a lot of patience and efforts to make relationships work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience female avoidants are friendly, flirty, curious about you, intelligent and social. They also have shallow friendships, few long-term relationships (unless they are low maintenance), rarely overshare and tend to cheat or leave when things become moderately challenging. I would not do it again.

This was me to a T. I’ve had lots and lots of therapy and managed to turn my life around and start some really deep and intimate relationships. I don’t think I realized how lonely I was until I started opening myself up and how satisfying a relationship can be when you are vulnerable with each other. OTOH, I am a master at small talk, genuinely enjoy it and am the life of a party. It makes me great at my job, which entails building relationships. I think for me, if I was the way I was before and you wanted a relationship with me, calling out my avoidance would be a big factor. G’luck!

This is what I want to be and understanding myself more as I am getting older. I am 43F and only had two serious relationships in my life. First was with my ex-H who I married at the age of 15/16 for a lot of reasons. Had my first kid when I was 17 and divorced him at the age 40 and then found my ex-fiance and being with him for 2.5 years. He adored me, spent money, took me out on vacations but I got scared and crossed his boundaries a few times. I always used to threaten breaking up whenever we are in a small or big argument and that started the downfall of my relationship. I am still learning how to be in healthy relationships and not take relationships for granted. It requires a lot of patience and efforts to make relationships work.

This is one of the most honest posts, PP. keep working at it and you know knowing and accepting your issues is half the battle won.

[Anonymous]

My avoidant type behavior was the inability to form deep relationships with people, which is why I didn't really have a serious BF until 30, whom I eventually married. He's been very patient with me. It's one of the reasons I married him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't really get past it. You accept it or not. High ACE scores, which people with attachment problems likely have, are tough.

Yes and no. I'm a woman with disorganized attachment style due to abuse and neglect in childhood plus a major trauma that occurred in my early 20s. I started therapy shortly after that traumatic event and have continued it off and on throughout my adulthood. I'm actually pretty functional at this point -- I'm married in a stable and loving marriage, I'm a mom, I am financially secure, I have a handful of long-term friendships of several decades, etc. All things that are supposed to be very hard for people with my background and attachment style.

Self-awareness is such a huge step. And then forgiveness of self (for having these issues, and also releasing yourself from the blame you have likely assigned to yourself for the abuse or neglect you experienced). Then accountability and responsibility for one's own actions. That last one is critical to being able to sustain relationships over time -- if you can't do it, you become very narcissistic even if you are otherwise self-aware and healing. But if you can do it, the world opens up.

My life is not perfect, I know there are challenges to being my spouse, child, or friend that you might not encounter with someone who doesn't have my background or mental health issues. But I also have a lot of empathy which makes me a good wife, mother, and friend, and am better than average under pressure or in a crisis because of what I have been through in my life.

So all is not lost. You just keep working at it.

Very powerful post - thanks for sharing.

May I ask what type of therapy you did that was most helpful? Working on some of these issues in myself now so am curious

PP here. This is a great question. I have done a variety of different therapy with different therapists, and one thing I'll say before I go through what worked best -- almost all therapy and even self-help *can* be helpful if you look for the things that work and disregard the rest. I've actually discovered I can get quite a bit out of a mediocre therapist as long as they aren't aggressively bad. If they listen, ask a few questions, and just provide a safe place for me to work through my $hit, it can still be productive.

That said, some things are better than others. Here's what was most helpful for me:

-- CBT. I actually didn't learn this with an actual therapist because it used to be hard to find therapists who would focus on it (now it's easier, to the degree that it's easy to find a therapist, which it is not). I got a workbook called something like "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Anxiety & Depression" and worked through it on my own. The best things I got out of it were learning about the different kinds of dysfunctional thinking, and developing strategies to recognize, name, and address those thought patterns when they came up. This is not what therapists call "deep work" -- this is just kind of baseline stuff that made me aware of my thought patterns and start the process of rewriting them. I've been doing CBT in some for or another for about 20 years and it always helps.

-- Family systems. This is the best one for the kind of issues I have. It allows me to dig into my childhood and other traumatic experiences but in an organized way. I found that going to just plain old talk therapy without a family systems approach, even when it was "trauma-informed", would often result in me kind of talking in circles. To some extent that's normal in therapy -- you talk about issues until you are literally bored of discussing it and want to stop, and that's actually a sign you've worked through it. But without the framework of family systems, I found that I would wind up coming back to it later anyway, and also therapy didn't feel like it had any forward momentum and could be a huge bummer, which would lead to me taking breaks from it. Family systems gave me a sense of structure which helped me stick with a therapist for longer.

-- Trauma informed. Yes, I've had bad trauma-informed therapists. I think that's because (1) it becomes a catch phrase that a lot of therapists threw in their description without actually having real training or education in trauma recovery, and (2) a lot of trauma-informed therapists are people who have their own issues and sometimes they bring those issues into their work in ways that are not productive for patients. Therapists are humans, humans are flawed. However, if you can find a good, experienced, highly professional therapist who is also trauma-informed, it really helps if you have c-ptsd or related issues. In addition to childhood abuse and neglect, I'm also a survivor of sexual violence, and when a therapist doesn't feel comfortable discussing these issues, it really brings things to a halt. I'll also note here that at one point I became a crisis counselor for sexual violence survivors (hotline worker) which required a long training on sexual violence and trauma, and that process was actually incredibly helpful in understanding myself. I wouldn't sign up to do that kind of counseling if you don't want to, of course, but just noting that it was an experience that helped me even though it wasn't actually therapy.

-- Forest bathing/myofacial release/tapping/meditation/mindfulness etc. I've done all of these and I don't think one is better than another but I think they can all be useful. The overarching point is just that trauma lives in your body, and part of healing is healing the body. I have an aversion to anything that feels to woo woo (not a judgment, it's just my personality -- I don't feel comfortable and thus it works against my goals) so I am selective in what I do. The best stuff for me has been a therapist who did appointments on forest walks (forest bathing) and an online mindfulness course I took a long time ago while I was pregnant and then continued to pursue after. I also do a lot of yoga and mindful exercise. I've had therapists who do meditations, tapping, etc. Sometimes I like it sometimes I don't, often it depends on the therapist and our vibe. But this stuff is always beneficial when I do it on my own. I think if you can't find a therapist or can't afford one, my best recommendations are to get a CBT workbook, start a daily yoga practice, and maybe take an online course in meditation or mindfulness.

That kind of sums it up. I also read a lot of self help books (at this point have segued from direct self-help to parenting books, which can also be really useful). I feel like I can get a little nugget of help out of most resources at this point. I'm always learning, always getting better. Becoming a mom has been hugely motivating for me because I never want my DC to go through what I did, and I want to be the best, most present and mentally healthful parent I possibly can be, for them.

Good luck!