Avoidant attachment in women

[Anonymous]

What does it look like? How can you get past it (as the woman or as the man)?

[Anonymous]

In my experience female avoidants are friendly, flirty, curious about you, intelligent and social. They also have shallow friendships, few long-term relationships (unless they are low maintenance), rarely overshare and tend to cheat or leave when things become moderately challenging. I would not do it again.

[Anonymous]

You don't really get past it. You accept it or not. High ACE scores, which people with attachment problems likely have, are tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't really get past it. You accept it or not. High ACE scores, which people with attachment problems likely have, are tough.

Yes and no. I'm a woman with disorganized attachment style due to abuse and neglect in childhood plus a major trauma that occurred in my early 20s. I started therapy shortly after that traumatic event and have continued it off and on throughout my adulthood. I'm actually pretty functional at this point -- I'm married in a stable and loving marriage, I'm a mom, I am financially secure, I have a handful of long-term friendships of several decades, etc. All things that are supposed to be very hard for people with my background and attachment style.

Self-awareness is such a huge step. And then forgiveness of self (for having these issues, and also releasing yourself from the blame you have likely assigned to yourself for the abuse or neglect you experienced). Then accountability and responsibility for one's own actions. That last one is critical to being able to sustain relationships over time -- if you can't do it, you become very narcissistic even if you are otherwise self-aware and healing. But if you can do it, the world opens up.

My life is not perfect, I know there are challenges to being my spouse, child, or friend that you might not encounter with someone who doesn't have my background or mental health issues. But I also have a lot of empathy which makes me a good wife, mother, and friend, and am better than average under pressure or in a crisis because of what I have been through in my life.

So all is not lost. You just keep working at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't really get past it. You accept it or not. High ACE scores, which people with attachment problems likely have, are tough.

Yes and no. I'm a woman with disorganized attachment style due to abuse and neglect in childhood plus a major trauma that occurred in my early 20s. I started therapy shortly after that traumatic event and have continued it off and on throughout my adulthood. I'm actually pretty functional at this point -- I'm married in a stable and loving marriage, I'm a mom, I am financially secure, I have a handful of long-term friendships of several decades, etc. All things that are supposed to be very hard for people with my background and attachment style.

Self-awareness is such a huge step. And then forgiveness of self (for having these issues, and also releasing yourself from the blame you have likely assigned to yourself for the abuse or neglect you experienced). Then accountability and responsibility for one's own actions. That last one is critical to being able to sustain relationships over time -- if you can't do it, you become very narcissistic even if you are otherwise self-aware and healing. But if you can do it, the world opens up.

My life is not perfect, I know there are challenges to being my spouse, child, or friend that you might not encounter with someone who doesn't have my background or mental health issues. But I also have a lot of empathy which makes me a good wife, mother, and friend, and am better than average under pressure or in a crisis because of what I have been through in my life.

So all is not lost. You just keep working at it.

My DH could have written this and he is THE BEST dad and husband, truly. He gets moody and quiet sometimes and tends to overanalyze things but I wouldn’t trade him for anything. He is the most empathetic, thoughtful and patient person I know.

[Anonymous]

When you are behaving in an avoidant way, what do you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't really get past it. You accept it or not. High ACE scores, which people with attachment problems likely have, are tough.

Yes and no. I'm a woman with disorganized attachment style due to abuse and neglect in childhood plus a major trauma that occurred in my early 20s. I started therapy shortly after that traumatic event and have continued it off and on throughout my adulthood. I'm actually pretty functional at this point -- I'm married in a stable and loving marriage, I'm a mom, I am financially secure, I have a handful of long-term friendships of several decades, etc. All things that are supposed to be very hard for people with my background and attachment style.

Self-awareness is such a huge step. And then forgiveness of self (for having these issues, and also releasing yourself from the blame you have likely assigned to yourself for the abuse or neglect you experienced). Then accountability and responsibility for one's own actions. That last one is critical to being able to sustain relationships over time -- if you can't do it, you become very narcissistic even if you are otherwise self-aware and healing. But if you can do it, the world opens up.

My life is not perfect, I know there are challenges to being my spouse, child, or friend that you might not encounter with someone who doesn't have my background or mental health issues. But I also have a lot of empathy which makes me a good wife, mother, and friend, and am better than average under pressure or in a crisis because of what I have been through in my life.

So all is not lost. You just keep working at it.

dp. I am proud to say I could've written that, pp. You are living a great life. I also have cptsd but still manage to feel content and am fully functional. When I met my dh 30 years ago, I was a very different person. When I had some therapy behind me, I asked him why he, a stable well adjusted "normal" guy would've liked a girl like me. He told me he could see who I really am under all the pain. I am now living an authentic life and I have a few very close long term friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't really get past it. You accept it or not. High ACE scores, which people with attachment problems likely have, are tough.

Yes and no. I'm a woman with disorganized attachment style due to abuse and neglect in childhood plus a major trauma that occurred in my early 20s. I started therapy shortly after that traumatic event and have continued it off and on throughout my adulthood. I'm actually pretty functional at this point -- I'm married in a stable and loving marriage, I'm a mom, I am financially secure, I have a handful of long-term friendships of several decades, etc. All things that are supposed to be very hard for people with my background and attachment style.

Self-awareness is such a huge step. And then forgiveness of self (for having these issues, and also releasing yourself from the blame you have likely assigned to yourself for the abuse or neglect you experienced). Then accountability and responsibility for one's own actions. That last one is critical to being able to sustain relationships over time -- if you can't do it, you become very narcissistic even if you are otherwise self-aware and healing. But if you can do it, the world opens up.

My life is not perfect, I know there are challenges to being my spouse, child, or friend that you might not encounter with someone who doesn't have my background or mental health issues. But I also have a lot of empathy which makes me a good wife, mother, and friend, and am better than average under pressure or in a crisis because of what I have been through in my life.

So all is not lost. You just keep working at it.

Very powerful post - thanks for sharing.

May I ask what type of therapy you did that was most helpful? Working on some of these issues in myself now so am curious

[Anonymous]

Friend has this and mostly she hooks up with married dudes who won't leave their wives for her. Then she doesn't have to deal with an emotionally attached guy and they don't have to deal with the fallout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience female avoidants are friendly, flirty, curious about you, intelligent and social. They also have shallow friendships, few long-term relationships (unless they are low maintenance), rarely overshare and tend to cheat or leave when things become moderately challenging. I would not do it again.

Yes, this describes me well! Never cheated though. Add ADHD to it and while I can manage relationships, I can't live with a partner. It is about finding a partner that is a good fit. And I otherwise stay single.

[Anonymous]

For those of you who think you are avoidant, what do you actually do?

[Anonymous]

My ex-gf is an avoidant and threaten to leave whenever there was a small argument or things get tough. She does have a lot of shame from childhood trauma, marrying at the age of 16, and a lot of other things that she didn't deal with and it came out as not taking accountability and becoming narcissist. Sad to say but she was one of the sweetest and kindest people I have ever met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience female avoidants are friendly, flirty, curious about you, intelligent and social. They also have shallow friendships, few long-term relationships (unless they are low maintenance), rarely overshare and tend to cheat or leave when things become moderately challenging. I would not do it again.

Yes, this describes me well! Never cheated though. Add ADHD to it and while I can manage relationships, I can't live with a partner. It is about finding a partner that is a good fit. And I otherwise stay single.

how old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friend has this and mostly she hooks up with married dudes who won't leave their wives for her. Then she doesn't have to deal with an emotionally attached guy and they don't have to deal with the fallout.

That would bring a lot of shame and she is just digging herself deeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't really get past it. You accept it or not. High ACE scores, which people with attachment problems likely have, are tough.

Yes and no. I'm a woman with disorganized attachment style due to abuse and neglect in childhood plus a major trauma that occurred in my early 20s. I started therapy shortly after that traumatic event and have continued it off and on throughout my adulthood. I'm actually pretty functional at this point -- I'm married in a stable and loving marriage, I'm a mom, I am financially secure, I have a handful of long-term friendships of several decades, etc. All things that are supposed to be very hard for people with my background and attachment style.

Self-awareness is such a huge step. And then forgiveness of self (for having these issues, and also releasing yourself from the blame you have likely assigned to yourself for the abuse or neglect you experienced). Then accountability and responsibility for one's own actions. That last one is critical to being able to sustain relationships over time -- if you can't do it, you become very narcissistic even if you are otherwise self-aware and healing. But if you can do it, the world opens up.

My life is not perfect, I know there are challenges to being my spouse, child, or friend that you might not encounter with someone who doesn't have my background or mental health issues. But I also have a lot of empathy which makes me a good wife, mother, and friend, and am better than average under pressure or in a crisis because of what I have been through in my life.

So all is not lost. You just keep working at it.

I’m also a disorganized attachment style woman.

The biggest thing for me has been learning to stay away from men who can’t handle it. Most can’t, which is fine. I don’t want to make anyone’s life miserable, and I’m not entitled to a relationship.

I’m single now, but the last guy I dated, while he was a great guy and truly tried to learn what I need, he just couldn’t do it in practice. It’s not that he didn’t want to or didn’t care, he just couldn’t do it. We were both fairly miserable and ended things amicably.

I did decades of therapy (from age 15-38) for this and nothing ever helped. So at this point I’m satisfied with being single, and if the right person comes along, great. If not, I’m okay with being single.

If you’re the partner, I’d say educate yourself as much as possible and decide if this is something you want to deal with and are capable of dealing with. If not, there’s no shame in moving on.