What makes a couple work?
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Anonymous
IME, compatibility and the ability to work as a team when life throws curveballs. |
Anonymous
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Sure, all of the above. But being in my 50s and seeing pretty much all my friends get married, and having the benefit to see which marriages last and which don't.....
The biggest correlation is mental health issues. Mental health issues honestly drive almost all the things people mention in the previous posts. Google AI says 25% of people suffer mental health issues in any year - depression, anxiety, adhd, bipolar, personality disorders, asd. But obviously depression and anxiety are the biggest bucket, and they can come and go. So 25% in any year, results in much higher numbers of marriages impacted over the life of the marriage. Legit mental health issues run through probably 50% of our friends marriages (which incidentally tracks with the 25% number - assuming only one half of the couple is struggling with mental health). I look through the recent divorces in our world, and can pinpoint: - ADHD/depression/bipolar as the clear reason for divorce - severe depression - ASD plus sex addiction (daily prostitutes - ugh) Those are all diagnosed. My best friend's husband has SOMETHING going on but refuses to diagnose. My guess is BPD. They'll divorce soon enough. In short, while plenty of marriages last through the mental health issues, the divorces i know were all directly linked to mental health issues. So while i can't answer OP's question of what makes the good relationships good, the bad ones are clearly mental health related. |
Anonymous
| I am 34 years into a great marriage and what makes mine work is two things: shared values (including about money) and that we're genuinely nice to each other all the time. |
Anonymous
My mental health took a severe downturn when my partner consistently neglected our relationship despite my efforts to reconnect. My friend’s mental health suffered when her DH cheated on her. My mother’s mental health suffered when she shouldered 95% of all childrearing and household work. None of this happens in a vacuum. People like to think that cheating and mental illness are inherent flaws in humans, but they are invariably a product of their environment, a main part of which is their primary relationship. |
Anonymous
I'm the PP you're responding to, and you're misunderstanding my point. When someone is clinically depressed, ie the kind of depression that indeed does exist in a vacuum, where you spend years struggling to get out of bed each morning, then this will have a significant impact on your marriage, and many people understandably do not want to wait 10 years to see if their spouse is going to get out of bed and re-engage in society. |
Anonymous
Not quite as deep as you, but agree with these points broadly. My husband and I have always agreed on the following: 1. Family is the most important thing. 2. He leads the family. 3. We make unique contributions to the family. For instance, we don't "split" chores. I do laundry. He does repairs. I do the checkbook and he handles investments. Our work is complementary. 4. All resources, including money, belong to the family. We don't have rules about what to discuss, but we have never fought over money. It helps that we make a comfortable living, but we are by no means loaded. Because the family comes first, we know what we prioritize in terms of family resources. 5. We communicate well. If there is a disagreement, I defer to him. He is almost always right and has much better judgment than I. 6. I get to pick vacations. He doesn't care much. 7. It helps that he's attractive and personable. If I died tomorrow, women would clamor for him. I still can't believe he chose me. Attraction comes at a price because those guys get their pick of the litter, so to speak. 8. Related to #7, I made a choice when we got serious that his job came first. I would have thrown my career away for him, if he had asked. It didn't come to that, but prioritizing our relationship is the best decision I've ever made. All the best things in my life followed that decision, and I'd make it again tomorrow, if I could. The only thing I asked from him was serious commitment, and he proposed six month after we started dating. That's unusual in our circles, but he was serious about family, too. That's been the core shared value. See #1. |
Anonymous
My husband grew up in a house where his father verbally abused his mother, but also him and his sister. However, he recognized it as abuse and has worked for the last 20 years to not be the kind of person his dad is. |
Anonymous
Do you "split" the kids or do you do all of that as well? |
Anonymous
I have been married almost 30 years and I am still not sure. We're still together due to similar values and stubbornness 
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Anonymous
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What's interesting to me is that my parents were unhappily married and my MIL/FIL very happily married. In comparing the two, the difference comes down to expectations. My MIL was quick to understand that she couldn't get the same kind of friendship from my FIL that she got from her sisters and female friends, and she had no opinion on his career. Their marriage was centered on each of them caring for the other in ways that were traditional in the 1950s.
My parents' marriage did not work in the long run because my mother wanted it all - a husband and a best friend. Someone who respected her independence but put her as a priority. My dad was a workaholic on the spectrum and he wasn't equipped to satisfy her high expectations. I wish I could be like more like my MIL. |
Anonymous
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I think it’s luck but also recognizing that love is a choice.
We are best friends. I do not defer to him! We communicate well. Value family but recognize that dcs launch and we need a life for us as well. 25 years strong. |
Anonymous
I used to agree with this until I dated a man who had zero mental health issues whatsoever. Like, he had literally seen a therapist since everyone was doing it, and the therapist was all "you're good, no need to see anyone". He was really difficult to be with. It was like dating Joy from Inside Out. He'd try to empathize with people, but couldn't at all because he was just so freaking happy all the time. I don't have any severe issues, but I do get sad, depressed, anxious, stressed from time to time like any normal human. And he didn't know how to be supportive at all beyond just "be positive!". Or worse, making the absolute cringiest jokes imaginable to try to "cheer me up". Now, if it's mental health issues they can't seem to shake, that's worth dumping over. My xH had ADHD and chronic depression, and it was awful. But I do want someone who has the normal spectrum of human emotions. |
Anonymous
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I think what makes for a great relationship is alignment.
I recently was in a 6 month relationship with a GREAT guy. I felt very lucky to have him, and we both gave our all to making the relationship work. But, ultimately, we weren't in alignment on what we wanted out of life or a relationship. I wanted stability, he still wanted adventure. I wanted to settle down, he wanted to move every 2-3 years. I wanted to work, he wanted more traditional roles. I wanted to see each other 2-3 times a week, he wanted to see each other daily (plus an additional phone call or FaceTime). I wanted a small apartment, he wanted a massive house. I wanted to save money, he wanted to buy expensive toys. I wanted to explore sexually, he wanted to stick to the same 3-4 things. So despite us both being good people who loved each other and tried to compromise, there really just was no way it was going to work out. I felt anxious over the lack of predictability and stability, he felt caged by my lack of spontaneity. |
Anonymous
Mr. Peanutbutter? |
Anonymous
Sounds like the guy could have used some therapy to address his toxic positivity. That can be just as damaging as being depressed. I also doubt a therapist would tell him he has absolutely nothing to work on. |