Do some parents just have bad luck in the kid department?
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Anonymous
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I have four kids. Three are in various places in the spectrum. My oldest is incredibly difficult and has been since he was a baby. Of course, I didn’t know it because he was my oldest. I believed what everyone told me ie. that I was a terrible parent. But everything from getting him to sleep through the night to toilet training to homework to learning to drive to interviewing for a job has been a huge challenge.
On a positive note, it’s made me kind of a super parent to my younger kids. I took two weeks off to teach my other kids to toilet train, and they got it in a day and we got to just have fun the rest of the time. I used the tricks I figured out to help my oldest do okay on the HSPT and the SAT with my younger kids, and they ended up with scholarships to high school and college. But yeah. A difficult kid is a difficult kid. And there is no getting past the idea that maybe you are just a terrible mother. |
Anonymous
It’s not all nature or nature. Add genetics to the mix. My non functioning alcoholic sister has two kids who are doing very well. I don’t think they are the nicest kids but they cause her no problems. And then you have some pretty flawless parents who have troubled children. It’s not always fair. |
Anonymous
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I have 4 kids. One is so hard to raise-difficult personality, rude, angry, and almost impossible to effectively parent. He’s got adhd and autism and that plays a big role I’m sure. I go bed almost every night feeling like I’m a bad mom because he is so hard and I just don’t know what to do. My other three children-they have their moments, like all kids-but they are so much easier to raise and they are so well behaved, kind, and polite.
All four were raised in the same house, same schools, same everything. They are all deeply loved. But, yeah, based on my experience, I do believe nature plays a huge factor. |
Anonymous
| No, you are not necessarily a better parent than your friends with “bad” kids. You got lucky and now feel free to judge others. Grow up. |
Anonymous
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Yes, you have easy kids.
I have 3 and #1 was a total and absolute nightmare. #2 was easier and #3 is the easiest kid I've ever met. #1 is a student at TJ so it's not like they aren't well behaved / intelligent, but every single thing they do is a battle. From sleep to now being a teenager. Very rigid personality type, has two chronic, incurable diseases. Very high energy (3 season sport athlete). |
Anonymous
But some kids are difficult from day one and still turn out great because they have great parents. There is a lot you can do to help a kid who might have challenges. The idea that a baby came home from the hospital screaming (an infant, a totally defenseless and unself-aware newborn baby) and these great parents just never figured out how to help her? I don't buy it. I think what happens is that some kids have challenges and their parents aren't up to the task. They might be okay with an easy kid who doesn't have those challenges, but they can't accept or are not willing to do the greater level of parenting work that it takes to parent a child who isn't easy, so they give up and say "oh it's just nature." But some parents do figure out how to parent those kids, and the kids don't become the meanest, unkind children you've ever met and they don't physically abuse their family members. Because their needs (which were higher than most kids' needs) were met. Their parents are better parents than that girl's parents. |
Anonymous
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There will always be debate about nature vs nurture. Genetics are rarely destiny for behavior, but it does happen. Psychopaths and sociopaths do exist. Having parented a couple of kids, I've come across one or two. It's very rare. But you can tell they aren't right regardless of parental intervention.
But I'd say the bigger problem is shitty parents begetting shitty children. |
Anonymous
Don’t fall off your judgmental high horse OP. |
Anonymous
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I was an extraordinarily well behaved child and a prodigy. Graduated from college as a teenager.
I was absolutely freaking terrified of my mother, who was physically, sexually, and psychologically abusive. No one knew. Sometimes, kids behave because they are really scared of adults and really good at performing. Not saying all kids but this is not that rare. |
Anonymous
Agree with all of this. It's usually nature and nurture, but it's not like a guaranteed 50/50 mix and therw are some real outliers. That NYT article years ago on psychopathic/sociopathic kids was horrifying and I don't think the most perfect parents could correct that, "starts with strangling an infant blue at 3" behavior. Like there just seemed like something so purely nature and innate for some of those mentally ill kids, many of whom seemed to have normal siblings and parents juat beside themselves doing all they could to stop their first graders from gutting the family dog or setting the house on fire. |
Anonymous
| both. But I have noticed it usually takes until 3 kids+ for parents to realize "for real" it's not them. Parents of 2 or 1 kid have an outblown sense of their impact esp. if they don't have a harder to parent kid. |
Anonymous
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It’s both, and nobody really knows what percentage of either really tips the scale. I say this as someone who had two very challenging kids when they were younger who are amazing now that they’re older. We put a LOT of time and effort into parenting them the way we felt was right for our family and their personalities. We made a lot of sacrifices and chose the long hard road instead of the easy road and it paid off. So I believe nurture could have turned it the other way around. But I also acknowledge that things could have been way worse.
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Anonymous
One of my closest friends from college has kids who are hitting her and yelling at her and others. It is hard not to notice. My other friend’s kids literally fight all day everyday and can only be calm when they are playing video games. I’m not necessarily judging. I’m wondering if the difficult kids were just born this way. |
Anonymous
This. Parenting does play a role, but some kids are just difficult and problematic. Mothers with 3+ kids all know this. If you have at least 3 kids, chances are high at least one of them is more difficult than the others. While they may not be a total train wreck, it definitely enforces that how you kids behave and turn out isn’t all because of your parenting and influence. |
Anonymous
| No two kids are raised by the same parents, even full genetic siblings with married parents. Parenting and life change you. So each sibling gets a slightly different upbringing even if it feels “the same” to you as a parent. It’s often subconscious. Throw in nature too and there you go. My two kids, while both great kids who will be just fine in life, are very different people. I think it’s more personality than parenting but there is some parenting too. |