Do some parents just have bad luck in the kid department?

[Anonymous]

I have three great kids. I used to think I had fantastic parenting. I’m now wondering if I just got lucky with three easy kids.

My kids hang out with other good kids and I mostly congregate with nice parents.

The siblings of my kids’ friends aren’t always so well behaved and the kids of my actual adult friends are just plain out bad. I wonder if my friends just got unlucky or they are horrible parents.

Do you think it is nature?

My one good friend who is one of the smartest and nicest people I know has three terribly behaved children. My other good friend watches her kids hit her and tantrum in public.

[Anonymous]

I think it's nature and nurture. I also think sometimes parents are well suited to their kids natural personalities and other times not, and when there is conflict, it can all go wrong.

But I also think that people who are more flexible and adaptable tend to make better parents in general, because this enables them to be the parent their kids need. Then you don't have to just get lucky with kids suited to your personality, because you have the skills to make it work with any kids.

[Anonymous]

My kids never had discipline issues. They're quiet, intelligent and well-read.

Sadly, one of them is battling a chronic disease. The other has high-functioning autism and ADHD. It's not their fault. They inherited the family curses.

OP, sometimes children who misbehave turn out to be incredibly driven and ambitious adults. Sometimes it means they have mental health diagnoses and will struggle lifelong. And most of the time, it means nothing much, and they'll learn from their mistakes and be normal people.

Give it time, and don't feel so smug. You never know what the future will bring...

[Anonymous]

+1 to the prior poster. It’s a mix. Sometimes it’s bad luck, sometimes a parenting fault and sometimes- a personality mismatch.

But I find it very interesting that all of your friends somehow ended up with bad kids. There is a saying in my native language about people whose own excrement doesn’t smell.

[Anonymous]

It's the parents fault.

[Anonymous]

My kids behave very well in public. 100% nature. They remind me to behave.
If they had some behavioral challenges, it would be my duty to help them navigate in public. If I fail or just can't manage them, I'd be blamed.
Many of my older child's friends have never met me. They went up to my sister and BIL to tell how nice their son is. I rarely parent. There's nothing to parent.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids OP?

[Anonymous]

We are all just parenting around the margins. Sure, you can totally screw up a kid with abuse. But so many characteristics are innate.

You got lucky. I got one kid with profound ID and one with brain cancer. They are both generally easy to parent. That is there personality — not any amazing parenting.

[Anonymous]

It’s 90% nature
Basically if you give a kid proper nutrition, enough sleep and exercise and access to education, and treat them respectfully - a good kid is going to become a good adult, and a difficult kid or rather a kid with any sort of deficiency will be, well, not so good.
If you look at some wildly different siblings you’ll see what I mean.

[Anonymous]

My mom was super self-righteous about how her superior parenting with my older sister and me. Then she had my younger sister who was a total nightmare from day one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was super self-righteous about how her superior parenting with my older sister and me. Then she had my younger sister who was a total nightmare from day one.

Op here. My daughter has a friend who is lovely. Mom and dad are amazing. She has a sister who is the meanest unkind girl I have ever met. The mom said she has been difficult from the day she came home from the hospital screaming and basically never stopped. We have known this family for a long time and the girl physically abuses her sister and parents.

[Anonymous]

I have two autistic children. They are teens now and generally well behaved, but there were some very tough times when they were younger. I blamed myself for a long time -- the older (more high needs) child was diagnosed early, but it was harder to see the younger child's needs because I was so consumed by the older one's needs. I wonder what life would have been like if I hadn't been parenting on hard mode.

[Anonymous]

My neighbor's boys, who were little frights when they were young, are turning into polite young men under my very eyes. I've seen good kids turn into rebels and changelings turn into angels.

So tread carefully with that incipient sense of superiority, OP.

Don't count your chickens and focus on your own kids.

[Anonymous]

In your first post, the answer is - your friends do not discipline their children.

Your second post - yes, some children are simply difficult and are born that way. Many of them can be steered toward socially acceptable behavior over a very long period of time.

[Anonymous]

Whooo boy OP you sure are tempting fate with this post. LOL.