I turn 40 this year and my younger self would be sad for me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got a new lease on life when my oldest, who had had special needs since birth, went to college. I had devoted 18 years of my life to his needs. Now, despite my age, I feel less burdened. More sprightly.

Figure out what's bringing you down specifically and do something about it.

Yo you just let go of the rope at 18?? How the heck do you do that and live your kid with special needs - typically they need longer than 18 years. But yeah - I kinda get it. My colleague couldn’t wait for his SN child to enter a home upon his 18th birthday- I don’t understand. My kids SNs are minor by comparison

PP you replied to. Let me explain. He was born with a global developmental delay and learning disabilities, and needed extensive therapies, then daily re-teaching after school (which I did), then tutoring. He also has severe ADHD, autism and low processing speed. When he was a minor, it was my job to get him to learn practical life skills and be functional enough to attend college, despite his complete apathy, and it was so stressful! Now he's away at college, I KNOW he's still not doing the stuff he should be doing (like showering every day, basic grooming, sleeping at night and not during the day, talking to people, eating something other than junk, exercising, looking for summer jobs or internships)... but at least it's not in my face. I can't do anything about it when we're not living in the same house (if I call to remind him, he just tunes me out). So these days it's only stressful when he comes home, and I see that he's still an insomniac, still does nothing all day if given the opportunity, still has no desire to socialize, and only looks for internships or summer jobs when I start cracking the whip.

If he doesn't get his career started after college, he'll be the type to live at home, terminally online, talking to no one. I exert whatever pressure I can to avoid this, but there's only so much I can do. The rest of the time, it's blissful to not have to think about it.

[Anonymous]

You are turning 40 this is normal. If it is too much for you to handle, I would suggest SSRIs and therapy. You are at the halfway point in your life. Youth is long gone. You should be thinking about how you would like to spend your last 20 or so (hopefully) healthy and active years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At least you have a house and mot a crap apartment.

Right? My apartment is so small that you have to straddle the toilet to close the bathroom door. Last night when I was about to sleep, my bedroom flooded with pot smoke from a neighbor, which gives me a headache.

Why don't you move this summer? Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Stay open. Might be better than you think. I actually hit my stride for the first time in my 40s. A lot of things shifted in a really good way.

Age 40 is where “I’m too old to worry about that” intersects with “I’m still young enough to…” There’s a lot of freedom in that, and in freedom lies possibility.

(Also it’s okay to let go of the judgement that younger you might have held. Younger you didn’t know what she didn’t know. Kids rarely do.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay open. Might be better than you think. I actually hit my stride for the first time in my 40s. A lot of things shifted in a really good way.

Age 40 is where “I’m too old to worry about that” intersects with “I’m still young enough to…” There’s a lot of freedom in that, and in freedom lies possibility.

(Also it’s okay to let go of the judgement that younger you might have held. Younger you didn’t know what she didn’t know. Kids rarely do.)

I agree with this. For me, many good things happened after 40. Now late 40s may have hit like a freight train, but I'm problem-solving as we speak... it will be OK. I love this, well-said:"Age 40 is where “I’m too old to worry about that” intersects with “I’m still young enough to…” There’s a lot of freedom in that, and in freedom lies possibility."

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how you "let it happen", but do your best so you 50 year old self isn't sad for you. You only "failed" if you give up. Create some goals for yourself going forward, and do your best. You 50 year old self can't ask more than that.

[Anonymous]

So stop feeling sorry for yourself and make some changes. Maybe you can't change your home, but you can change: your mindset and your weight.

40 is also not old. But again, that's your mindset. Your age isn't the problem.

[Anonymous]

I'm rich, fat and live in a townhouse. That's the reality of this area...

[Anonymous]

I'm also turning 40 and sure, my life isn't exactly the picture picture image I had when I was growing up, but I've got a pretty damn good life. Concentrate on the good and what you can fix.

[Anonymous]

This hits home to me. I really thought by now I would be married happily and with 2 beautiful babies living in a nice house.

I’m separated, live in a small apartment that I rent, barely make six figures and I’m back on the dating market.

Yes, I’m terribly depressed.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t like your life, change it.

[Anonymous]

50/50 chance that having a child degrades your life satisfaction and QOL. No one ever talks about this with women or men.

If you’re only having one child, you better make sure it’s a girl (women have less life satisfaction with only boy(s)). You better make sure they are neurotypical. If you have more than 2, one parent is better off staying home in order to manage Life.

[Anonymous]

I turn 51 this year. 40 seems so young. Enjoy them. Remember, 40s are the old 30s.

[Anonymous]

Your younger self would be… will be.. rooting for you. We gotta say and believe what we say to little people: You got this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm also turning 40 and sure, my life isn't exactly the picture picture image I had when I was growing up, but I've got a pretty damn good life. Concentrate on the good and what you can fix.

You’re right.
I turned 40 this month too. I work a low status job in healthcare, part time because I’m too lazy to work full time and be a good mom. My kids are totally average. My husband doesn’t make much money. I’m not good at anything. I dont like where I live.
I asked my husband if he was happy and he was incredulous. “I have a nice house, a good stable job, perfect kids and my wife is HOT! If my younger self could see me he’d be amazed.”
So I’m going to do what makes me happy. Plan lots of cheap travel and go all in on learning new skills. I spent the last three years trying to build a social circle / make new friends and it made me miserable with envy. I’m going to keep positive!