Weaning almost 4-year-old

[Anonymous]

I don’t know, I feel like there is something about saying “4 year olds don’t nurse” that is really much sadder and more shaming than it needs to be. I would definitely be firm about it but would try to validate that she feels sad without blaming it on something external. And it’s not really true either - it’s that OP doesn’t want to nurse any more.

I also think it would be totally appropriate to seek out therapy to make a plan and stick to it.

[Anonymous]

Try to cuddle instead of nursing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, I feel like there is something about saying “4 year olds don’t nurse” that is really much sadder and more shaming than it needs to be. I would definitely be firm about it but would try to validate that she feels sad without blaming it on something external. And it’s not really true either - it’s that OP doesn’t want to nurse any more.

I also think it would be totally appropriate to seek out therapy to make a plan and stick to it.

It's true though, 4 year olds are too old to nurse.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP? Good job being there for your daughter when only you could be there, and giving her what she needed when she needed it. Stop beating yourself up when you did something so big and so hard, even with this challenge at the end of it. You’re a very good mother.

[Anonymous]

I recommend the picture book Loving Comfort: A Toddler Weaning Story. It was very helpful when I weaned my oldest who was very resistant to weaning. We read it every single day, sometimes multiple times a day, in the month leading up to the day we stopped. Don’t offer don’t refuse didn’t work at all for us so first I cut overnight feeds, then random day feeds, then nap feed, then finally the bedtime feed. We had been prepping and discussing it for so long it actually ended up being easier than I expected.

[Anonymous]

OP, I weaned both my kids at 3.5 years. Like you, we were down to 2-3 nursing sessions a day. Here's what I did. Pick one of the sessions and decide that you will no longer nurse at that time. If it's the nighttime one, then for a week or 2, you aren't home at bedtime and DH puts her to bed. Continue with the other 2 daily sessions, but no more bedtime. Once that's gone, pick another session and eliminate it by simply not being available for it. With my DCs, the morning session happened when they crawled into bed with me for a snuggle in the morning. So the trick was for me to set my alarm and get out of bed before they woke. Then when they crawled into bed, they snuggled with DH instead, or they came to find me in the kitchen where I was making something wonderful like pancakes. After a month or so, you can go back to morning snuggling without the nursing, not for a while you have to avoid it completely. Make up for it with lots of snuggling at other times.

Etc. Your partner will really need to step up for a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t @ me this wasn’t in my plan but a lot happened within the past few years and I got lazy/overwhelmed with a chronically sick kiddo. She’s fine now.

We night weened at 2.5 but she still nursed in the am, after daycare and before bed. My goal is to stop this month as she’s about to turn 4. At this point it’s such a highly emotional topic I am deeply considering putting her in therapy to navigate the changes.

Any mention of weening has her actively depressed and very upset. For clarification she was very sick between 18-36 months and at times her only calorie intake was breastmilk. She is 100% physically fine now but still has lingering medical trauma.

I’m so sorry, OP. It sounds like your daughter has endured a lot in her young life and you have also endured quite a bit as a parent.

My third is 2 years 7 months and still nursing. I weaned (stopped) at 12 months with my two older children and never could have predicted this. Every child is different and as a parent your circumstances dictate capacity around nursing. Your experience may not be super common on DCUM, but it is also totally within the norm.

I don’t have a ton of advice here, but I came here to say weaning a child who is four, who can walk, verbalize complex emotions, etc is so different from a baby and I think that talking about her feelings could be helpful. I like the idea of a toy. Another friend gave her older daughter chocolate milk and vitamin water while weaning, so that might be another route to think about. My pediatrician recommended saying the milk was all gone.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

How’s this going op? Any luck?

[Anonymous]

It will be okay OP. I don’t recommend seeking therapy for your child over this (although it’s good you’re going yourself if you find it helpful). It is difficult to wind down this relationship but you will replace it with other forms of connection.

It’s okay to be sad yourself but remember our journey as parents is not exactly the same as our child’s journey. There is some overlap but we can feel sad and try not to project those feelings onto our child, and instead be there for our child’s unique experience. Focus on helping your child build up resilience and coping skills. Children are adaptable.

With this age, you can start by stretching it out and instead of immediately giving into a nursing request, tell your child something like it’s not working right now and needs some time to work again. Try to stretch it out so after daycare have a yogurt or something and then say that to stretch out to night. It’s not too much pressure and you get a chance to practice alternatives. Then go from there as the skills are built.

We settled on replacing it with reading books on the couch. My child is extremely tantrum prone either way though so I’m used to it but there was some coming to terms with it. It was somewhat hard to see that but ultimately she adjusted quickly and went from on demand to almost entirely weaned pretty quickly by stretching out, offering alternatives, and then setting the limit when it was done and letting her adjust. I personally didn’t set a day or countdown although did talk casually about how when getting older, milk goes away (providing context). I just worked on the stretching out then decided when to go for it without a lot of discussion and we improvised the alternative choice out of a few. When she really came to terms with it there was one emotional outburst but then she just kinda of accepted it.

You have to make the decision. Drawing your child into it by repeatedly discussing something that will happen not necessarily on her preferred terms (because she can’t understand) is just going to prolong or induce feelings of upset. Make the decision, and then offer support and alternatives.

I also recommend reframing the negative view of your child being depressed, traumatized etc. You are going to face a lot of difficult situations as your child gets older and widens their world more to interact with peers and other adults. It’s our job to assist our children in developing the skills they need to face difficult situations. I recommend you remind yourself that it’s a difficult transition for your child, but you will be there to help her get through it.

[Anonymous]

As a mom who was exhausted still night feeding a 2.5 year old who is restricted eater, while struggling with anemia I sympathize. I think the best thing for you both is for you to find a trusted caregiver (spouse, grandparent, night nurse) and go away for three days. The truth is you need healing probably even more than she does and she needs a fresh start with someone who doesn’t share the trauma bond. I did it and it worked for us. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My DD weaned around 4. I never thought it would happen but it did. It was a hard process. But it was totally fine in the end. It was not traumatic just annoying for me to have to keep her away from my boobs. Start cutting down the nursing sessions, where it is time on a boob or how many times she gets to nurse each day. Eventually you’ll hit 0. It’s slower than other methods but worked for us and wasn’t a quick change out of that habit and comfort but a slow steady one. My kid needed no therapy to cope. I’m sure she was sad about not getting more booby but that’s life and a good lesson - tha sadness about loosing things we love and enjoy, is normal and can be tolerated.

[Anonymous]

Start by setting boundaries— we nurse here and only here. I told my kid he only nurses in his bed or the rocking chair. Then, time boundaries— we only nurse in your bed at night before bed. Don’t ever offer, and if she asks impose more time boundaries: shortened nursing. After a minute or two, all done. Then eventually if she asks, ask if she is sure? You know, you’re big enough to cuddle instead of nurse. Want to try a night without and see how we feel?

Agree to give advanced notice ahead of fully cutting her off.

[Anonymous]

You are getting a lot of reasonable responses on this thread that will help you, but honestly, it is a form of sexual abuse to invite a child who can also happily make a sandwich or ride a two-wheeler, to open your shirt and suck on your breast.

It's not beautiful anymore, it's ick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are getting a lot of reasonable responses on this thread that will help you, but honestly, it is a form of sexual abuse to invite a child who can also happily make a sandwich or ride a two-wheeler, to open your shirt and suck on your breast.

It's not beautiful anymore, it's ick.

The only ick thing here is this comment. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Schedule a super duper high value FUN FUN FUN three day weekend somewhere. Get your own hotel room. Dad gets her in his room. Be busy go go go all day, tell her BFing is not allowed at the restaurant, not allowed at the amusement park, whatever, delay later later later. Uh oh, milk is all gone. But you are suuuuuuch a big girl, here have this giant lollipop.

Get rid of all the BFing cues at home. If she pitches a fit, just leave the house

Your husband needs to step up on this one.