Want to help my MIL with her independence

[Anonymous]

She interiorizes her profound anxiety, OP. While not quite at her level (I drive, etc), I am like her. I suspect I'm on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum, and I've been diagnosed with anxiety disorder and panic disorder due to my nightime panic attacks (which make me feel like I'm dying of a heart attack, but again, you wouldn't notice much - I don't scream or cry or anything).

I'm not sure there's anything you can do to help. She will only do something extra unless her life, or a loved one's life depends on it, because otherwise in her daily life, the pros for her do not outweigh the cons. It's extremely challenging to overcome such deep-seated anxiety. Therapy and meds are often insufficient. I've tried both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need advice, DCUM. My MIL, whom I love dearly, cannot do anything on her own. I've known her for over 20 years. She is lovely and capable, but for some reason, cannot drive a car, fill up gas, fly on a plane by herself, etc. My husband says she's always been like this; it is attributed to "her nerves" (I've never seen this woman stressed/angry, I should note!) She is not yet 65.

I have always tried to leave this alone, but my FIL is having vision issues and no longer drive at night. This means they cannot do anything past 4:30. It also means that she cannot do anything on her own, since my FIL still works (remotely, but is in the house at his computer all day). I just worry about what happens if something worse happens to FIL and she's really stuck. She has no health problems of which I'm aware, and could very well outlive him. Is there any way I can tactfully address this? My husband agrees fully with me, but his family's way is to avoid any uncomfortable discussion (I've seen this play out over the years in really terrible ways: ie no wills because they don't want to talk about death, or even think about it!)

If the advice is to let it go, I will!

65 is so young to be stuck like this. My mom is 70 and still goes on international trips with girlfriends, is in a cycling group, will drive 10+ hours alone to visit grandkids, and is generally living a full life. Sure, she's slower than she used to be, but nothing like what you've described. Does your MIL need to see someone about depression or anxiety? It sounds like that could be the issue.

[Anonymous]

This is your husband and his siblings problem.
Sounds like she’s been pampered do 60 + years.

You can’t change that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's anxiety but also generational and gender norms. She wants the perks of being a traditional wife as she sees it.

My grandmother never drove but eventually got good at taking the bus to certain places. Maybe that could work. We paid her trusted "cleaning lady" (who was, of course, far more than that) a generous hourly wage for rides and errands.

She's probably fine with not going out in the evenings. I am, and I'm only 45! If she did drive, night vision would likely be an issue. It's not worth pushing on that.

It’s not generational or gender norms. She could have developed this anxiety at any point in her life. My sister will no longer drive and it started around 40. I think it’s her excessive drinking that caused it but it’s not easy to change. Maybe a professional therapist can help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need advice, DCUM. My MIL, whom I love dearly, cannot do anything on her own. I've known her for over 20 years. She is lovely and capable, but for some reason, cannot drive a car, fill up gas, fly on a plane by herself, etc. My husband says she's always been like this; it is attributed to "her nerves" (I've never seen this woman stressed/angry, I should note!) She is not yet 65.

I have always tried to leave this alone, but my FIL is having vision issues and no longer drive at night. This means they cannot do anything past 4:30. It also means that she cannot do anything on her own, since my FIL still works (remotely, but is in the house at his computer all day). I just worry about what happens if something worse happens to FIL and she's really stuck. She has no health problems of which I'm aware, and could very well outlive him. Is there any way I can tactfully address this? My husband agrees fully with me, but his family's way is to avoid any uncomfortable discussion (I've seen this play out over the years in really terrible ways: ie no wills because they don't want to talk about death, or even think about it!)

If the advice is to let it go, I will!

65 is so young to be stuck like this. My mom is 70 and still goes on international trips with girlfriends, is in a cycling group, will drive 10+ hours alone to visit grandkids, and is generally living a full life. Sure, she's slower than she used to be, but nothing like what you've described. Does your MIL need to see someone about depression or anxiety? It sounds like that could be the issue.

Some women want to be stuck like this. Some of it may also be cultural. 65 year olds are not a monolith .

[Anonymous]

She's not interested! It's her gig! She's damsel in distress! Behind it are some mental issues, most likely anxiety and fear to try new things. But she also likes being taken care of and have FIL do everything for her. If I was you, I'd instead be worried if the FIL passes first.

[Anonymous]

You are wasting your bandwidth thinking about this. She won’t change, don’t waste your breath. This is entirely your husband’s problem to solve. And he won’t. Just be sure you are clear with your husband that he cannot be her full time chauffeur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL does not want independence. She's been (in her own words) an old lady since I met her when she was 55. She likes being taken care of, she likes the dependence and attention that she gets by not doing thing on her own.

If an emergency happens and your FIL cannot drive, they will call an ambulance or one of their kids for help.

Now that my FIL is gone, she is dependent on her kids, and that's how it is. She refuses any thing else. She's run off nurses aids, house cleaners, etc. They only last for a few weeks before we are back at cycling care through the siblings.

Someone on the eldercare forum said they hired a care manager for mom.
CM is paid by the child so “mumsie” can’t fire her! So if you can afford it it may be an option

[Anonymous]

So what, let her sit in the house after 4:30.
She is great with kids but she’s probably not worth it as childcare if she needs to be driven around.
She’ll try to freeload off your husband sooner rather than later so there needs to be a plan for that

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think the reason I am having trouble accepting this is that I saw something similar in my own grandmother but she completely overcame it. My grandfather died when they were in their 50s, and she learned to drive, cut the grass, take care of the house, and started traveling a ton. She went to Africa twice with just her sister, and all over the world.

I also don't see this as my "husband's problem". We both love his parents, and they're my children's grandparents. But alas, appears nothing I can do. They live about 30 minutes from us (they literally just moved to be closer to us, but now never drive to see their grandkids' events or birthday dinners because of the night-time limitations.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL does not want independence. She's been (in her own words) an old lady since I met her when she was 55. She likes being taken care of, she likes the dependence and attention that she gets by not doing thing on her own.

If an emergency happens and your FIL cannot drive, they will call an ambulance or one of their kids for help.

Now that my FIL is gone, she is dependent on her kids, and that's how it is. She refuses any thing else. She's run off nurses aids, house cleaners, etc. They only last for a few weeks before we are back at cycling care through the siblings.

Spouse’s grandmother was similar. Lived into her 90s but never learned to drive. So every time she needed groceries or had a doc appt, one of her kids or grandkids would come and drive her.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this too, she’s older now (late 70s) so it makes sense a little but she was also like that when I met my husband 20 years ago. Doesn’t drive, doesn’t order for herself in restaurants, she stopped working in her early 40s to take care of her own aging parents and that’s when most of this started according to my SIL’s. She gets FIL or one of her (now obviously adult) children to take her to the store, appointments, restaurants etc. I don’t even necessarily think it’s anxiety, because they go plenty of places together and even do some longer distance traveling. I always thought it was weird but what do I know.

A person in their mid-60s now is a very late Baby Boomer in terms of generation so it seems like the old sexist ideas about women that older Boomers and Silent Gen’s lived with wouldn’t come into play. I don’t know that you can fix this unfortunately. Especially if she’s let her drivers license lapse or hasn’t done anything on her own in years.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is her social life like? Does she have friends?

[Anonymous]

Does she want help? Has she said things like "I wish I felt better about driving?" If so, you could offer to practice with her. If not, you should just deal with this reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think the reason I am having trouble accepting this is that I saw something similar in my own grandmother but she completely overcame it. My grandfather died when they were in their 50s, and she learned to drive, cut the grass, take care of the house, and started traveling a ton. She went to Africa twice with just her sister, and all over the world.

I also don't see this as my "husband's problem". We both love his parents, and they're my children's grandparents. But alas, appears nothing I can do. They live about 30 minutes from us (they literally just moved to be closer to us, but now never drive to see their grandkids' events or birthday dinners because of the night-time limitations.)

Same with my grandmother. Didn't know how to do anything when my grandfather passed unexpected at 65. She had never done anything. At 60 she learned so much, traveled all over the world, took their small estate and more than doubled it. But she is a ball of fire. I'm guessing she was on a slow simmer of frustration the whole time they were married. But that's a guess. Plus, in her case, she had no one to fall back on. She had to do it, and she did.

OP, your MIL has to want to do it. I know a woman who is 60 and refuses to learn to drive. She loves that her kids and DH take her places. I suspect she assumes after her DH is gone (assuming he goes first) that her kids will continue to drive her around and "take care of her."