Want to help my MIL with her independence

[Anonymous]

I need advice, DCUM. My MIL, whom I love dearly, cannot do anything on her own. I've known her for over 20 years. She is lovely and capable, but for some reason, cannot drive a car, fill up gas, fly on a plane by herself, etc. My husband says she's always been like this; it is attributed to "her nerves" (I've never seen this woman stressed/angry, I should note!) She is not yet 65.

I have always tried to leave this alone, but my FIL is having vision issues and no longer drive at night. This means they cannot do anything past 4:30. It also means that she cannot do anything on her own, since my FIL still works (remotely, but is in the house at his computer all day). I just worry about what happens if something worse happens to FIL and she's really stuck. She has no health problems of which I'm aware, and could very well outlive him. Is there any way I can tactfully address this? My husband agrees fully with me, but his family's way is to avoid any uncomfortable discussion (I've seen this play out over the years in really terrible ways: ie no wills because they don't want to talk about death, or even think about it!)

If the advice is to let it go, I will!

[Anonymous]

Will she go places with other people besides FIL?

[Anonymous]

IDK but you sound like a very nice person.

[Anonymous]

She likely has terrible anxiety. Until she addresses this there isn't a ton you can do, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will she go places with other people besides FIL?

She will! As long as someone else is driving her.
She's wonderful with our children; I honestly just wish she were able to come spend more time with them. She has the time, but if there's not someone to drive her around, she's stuck in the house. We go to her as much as we can, but we both work full time and our three children always have things going on.

[Anonymous]

My MIL does not want independence. She's been (in her own words) an old lady since I met her when she was 55. She likes being taken care of, she likes the dependence and attention that she gets by not doing thing on her own.

If an emergency happens and your FIL cannot drive, they will call an ambulance or one of their kids for help.

Now that my FIL is gone, she is dependent on her kids, and that's how it is. She refuses any thing else. She's run off nurses aids, house cleaners, etc. They only last for a few weeks before we are back at cycling care through the siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will she go places with other people besides FIL?

She will! As long as someone else is driving her.
She's wonderful with our children; I honestly just wish she were able to come spend more time with them. She has the time, but if there's not someone to drive her around, she's stuck in the house. We go to her as much as we can, but we both work full time and our three children always have things going on.

Who cares for the kids now? If you have a nanny, see if the nanny will let her come along. Or, hire a driver.

[Anonymous]

Let it go.
This is what happens when anxiety is enabled - people limit themselves, convinced they cannot do things, and everyone around them accommodates these convictions, making it worse.
If you have kids, just use it as a life lesson not to accommodate your kids anxiety, as it is often inherited.
Otherwise, she is an adult who has made her choices, so if her options are limited in the future that is her problem. She is unlikely to change at this point.

[Anonymous]

She’s not going to learn to drive. Maybe you can take her with you in Ubers and teach her how to use that app. Do they live near you or in another state?

If she outlives FIL, it’s going to be a real shock for her to suddenly have to do everything herself. She won’t be able to. Does your DH have siblings?

[Anonymous]

^ agree with the above. Get them use to Ubers or at least taxis. A regular driver perhaps.

[Anonymous]

It's anxiety but also generational and gender norms. She wants the perks of being a traditional wife as she sees it.

My grandmother never drove but eventually got good at taking the bus to certain places. Maybe that could work. We paid her trusted "cleaning lady" (who was, of course, far more than that) a generous hourly wage for rides and errands.

She's probably fine with not going out in the evenings. I am, and I'm only 45! If she did drive, night vision would likely be an issue. It's not worth pushing on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will she go places with other people besides FIL?

She will! As long as someone else is driving her.
She's wonderful with our children; I honestly just wish she were able to come spend more time with them. She has the time, but if there's not someone to drive her around, she's stuck in the house. We go to her as much as we can, but we both work full time and our three children always have things going on.

Who cares for the kids now? If you have a nanny, see if the nanny will let her come along. Or, hire a driver.

Do not do this to your nanny unless you want her to quit!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will she go places with other people besides FIL?

She will! As long as someone else is driving her.
She's wonderful with our children; I honestly just wish she were able to come spend more time with them. She has the time, but if there's not someone to drive her around, she's stuck in the house. We go to her as much as we can, but we both work full time and our three children always have things going on.

If she wanted to, she would.

But, maybe she has a medical reason she isn't disclosing.

[Anonymous]

You can call uber if that would be easier for her.

You haven’t answered the critical question: does SHE want more independence? If not, your efforts will be wasted if not annoying to her.

[Anonymous]

You sounds so nice! Let it go, though. There's a reason she's always been like this and it's not changing now.