Want to help my MIL with her independence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need advice, DCUM. My MIL, whom I love dearly, cannot do anything on her own. I've known her for over 20 years. She is lovely and capable, but for some reason, cannot drive a car, fill up gas, fly on a plane by herself, etc. My husband says she's always been like this; it is attributed to "her nerves" (I've never seen this woman stressed/angry, I should note!) She is not yet 65.

I have always tried to leave this alone, but my FIL is having vision issues and no longer drive at night. This means they cannot do anything past 4:30. It also means that she cannot do anything on her own, since my FIL still works (remotely, but is in the house at his computer all day). I just worry about what happens if something worse happens to FIL and she's really stuck. She has no health problems of which I'm aware, and could very well outlive him. Is there any way I can tactfully address this? My husband agrees fully with me, but his family's way is to avoid any uncomfortable discussion (I've seen this play out over the years in really terrible ways: ie no wills because they don't want to talk about death, or even think about it!)

If the advice is to let it go, I will!

65 is so young to be stuck like this. My mom is 70 and still goes on international trips with girlfriends, is in a cycling group, will drive 10+ hours alone to visit grandkids, and is generally living a full life. Sure, she's slower than she used to be, but nothing like what you've described. Does your MIL need to see someone about depression or anxiety? It sounds like that could be the issue.

I'm much younger and cannot do any of those things. Enough with the depression and anxiety. I've never driven more than an hour alone but never needed to. I cannot travel or cycle due to health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is her social life like? Does she have friends?

Oops, hit submit too soon. I have a very similar situation, down to the working from home husband. She does drive but only in a 3 mile radius. My MIL was starting to get upset about little things her husband does and was hyper focusing on it, because he was her only outlet. I reminded her that she used to be more active - eg, volunteer at her kids' schools when they were younger, meet local friends (most have moved out of her driving radius).

I would think about what she values. What would she agree she's missing out on? Is there one small thing you could help her do? (Eg, our school system has a program for grandparents to volunteer. I've convinced my MIL to volunteer there. It's not walking distance but not far. Or, does she have a friend she wants to visit?)

Agree with PPs about using Uber. Maybe take it with her a few times. Maybe she could take a driving class, but if she has never driven, it seems like a lot to pick up at an older age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think the reason I am having trouble accepting this is that I saw something similar in my own grandmother but she completely overcame it. My grandfather died when they were in their 50s, and she learned to drive, cut the grass, take care of the house, and started traveling a ton. She went to Africa twice with just her sister, and all over the world.

I also don't see this as my "husband's problem". We both love his parents, and they're my children's grandparents. But alas, appears nothing I can do. They live about 30 minutes from us (they literally just moved to be closer to us, but now never drive to see their grandkids' events or birthday dinners because of the night-time limitations.)

Maybe they should move again, next door to you.
It’s not your problem, seriously, you’ll get annoyed very soon anyway even if you start trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think the reason I am having trouble accepting this is that I saw something similar in my own grandmother but she completely overcame it. My grandfather died when they were in their 50s, and she learned to drive, cut the grass, take care of the house, and started traveling a ton. She went to Africa twice with just her sister, and all over the world.

I also don't see this as my "husband's problem". We both love his parents, and they're my children's grandparents. But alas, appears nothing I can do. They live about 30 minutes from us (they literally just moved to be closer to us, but now never drive to see their grandkids' events or birthday dinners because of the night-time limitations.)

Likely with your grandmother, it was just gender norms. But I agree with everyone else that your MIL sounds like she has severe anxiety that has been accommodated by her family for many years. You’re not going to be able to change this, but also do your best to not accommodate it.

[Anonymous]

Get her used to uber and lyft. It will change her life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get her used to uber and lyft. It will change her life

Women like this don't take Uber or Lyft by themselves, they don't order in the restaurants, they don't go to places alone. They expect somebody else to be their servant. And after not having done any decision-making themselves for 20+ years, they don't actually know how to.