In-laws not checking after Iran bombing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it may have completely slipped their minds. Our nanny is Persian, and I didn't even think of it - I asked her how her weekend was in a totally normal tone. And of course, she brought it up and we discussed it at length and I offered her my condolences and gave her space to talk about how she was feeling, and I'll check in with her about it all week (and especially her family - she's having trouble reaching people). But yeah, until she said something, I didn't make the connection at all.

My husband, who is admittedly an incredibly thoughtful person, of course texted me out of the blue to ask how the nanny was doing (he had left for work before she arrived).

While I'm far from perfect, I don't think I'm a jerk or anything. My brain just missed that connection. Can your husband reach out to his parents? "We're having a tough time here, Larla is so worried about all her relatives in Iran." Once they make the connection, they may immediately provide an outpouring of love and support, and you might feel better.

Forgetfulness and lack of caring aren't the same. Give them a chance.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope your relatives are safe.

Some people don't know what to say or how to bring up something so serious. But it's crazy to me to "not make the connection" with someone as close as a nanny.

[Anonymous]

This is probably more about politics than anything. If they call are you going to give them a lecture?

[Anonymous]

How closely do they follow the news? Some people can't keep up with all the crazy anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it may have completely slipped their minds. Our nanny is Persian, and I didn't even think of it - I asked her how her weekend was in a totally normal tone. And of course, she brought it up and we discussed it at length and I offered her my condolences and gave her space to talk about how she was feeling, and I'll check in with her about it all week (and especially her family - she's having trouble reaching people). But yeah, until she said something, I didn't make the connection at all.

My husband, who is admittedly an incredibly thoughtful person, of course texted me out of the blue to ask how the nanny was doing (he had left for work before she arrived).

While I'm far from perfect, I don't think I'm a jerk or anything. My brain just missed that connection. Can your husband reach out to his parents? "We're having a tough time here, Larla is so worried about all her relatives in Iran." Once they make the connection, they may immediately provide an outpouring of love and support, and you might feel better.

Forgetfulness and lack of caring aren't the same. Give them a chance.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope your relatives are safe.

Some people don't know what to say or how to bring up something so serious. But it's crazy to me to "not make the connection" with someone as close as a nanny.

PP here - We talk about the kids (ours and hers), we talk about school (she's studying in the evening to get her nursing license) and the job she wants to get once she graduates, we talk about day to day stuff. The only reason I even know she's from Iran is that she mentioned it in passing one time like a year ago. She's never talked about her family there or anything, nor has she traveled there in the time I've known her. So, when I heard the news that Iran was bombed, I didn't immediately think of her. Of course, as soon as she said "it was a tough weekend" I remembered she was from Iran and expressed my sincere sympathy for all she and her family are dealing with.

But I don't think it makes me a bad person, or even that much of an outlier, that I didn't immediately think of her when I heard about Iran. I don't really think about her being Iranian on a day-to-day or even month-to-month basis.

So - have your husband clue them in, then see how they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess it depends on what cordial means. Like if they've called to talk to anyone in your house and not asked after you, that feels gross. But if you see them twice a year and they never call you guys, I don't think it's a pointed snub just them being emotionally distant like you already knew they were.

We see them every 2-3 months. Since they are retired, they usually come to our house for 4-6 days. We also take a yearly vacation with them and my DH's siblings.

How often do you talk on the phone with them?

[Anonymous]

I’m really sorry, OP—that’s awful. Many Americans might not fully grasp it and could see your concern as self-centered, but the danger to your family in Iran is very real. Most people here will never face that kind of fear, so they can’t truly understand what you’re going through. Sending hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess it depends on what cordial means. Like if they've called to talk to anyone in your house and not asked after you, that feels gross. But if you see them twice a year and they never call you guys, I don't think it's a pointed snub just them being emotionally distant like you already knew they were.

We see them every 2-3 months. Since they are retired, they usually come to our house for 4-6 days. We also take a yearly vacation with them and my DH's siblings.

How often do you talk on the phone with them?

Not often, but I thought a text from them would have been nice. We do text one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry, OP—that’s awful. Many Americans might not fully grasp it and could see your concern as self-centered, but the danger to your family in Iran is very real. Most people here will never face that kind of fear, so they can’t truly understand what you’re going through. Sending hugs.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

OP, I am truly sorry that this is happening to your family. I hope they are all safe. I’m sorry this is happening to your country.

I understand why you feel hurt. I would feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op is suffering from Main Character Syndrome.

+1
My ILs never ask about me or my family. I have a terrible chronic health condition, my nephew has cancer, and we have to move due to double job loss. Instead they prefer to talk about who they met up with and where they went for lunch. At this point I don’t even care. I give them space to talk for 20 min a week and visit once a year. They know nothing really about my life and it matters not at all.

[Anonymous]

On the other hand I met with my Iranian colleague this morning and asked how his family was this morning. He said they were all fine and grateful for the potential to overthrow the government. He actually said the losses were worth the potential gains - much to my surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry, OP—that’s awful. Many Americans might not fully grasp it and could see your concern as self-centered, but the danger to your family in Iran is very real. Most people here will never face that kind of fear, so they can’t truly understand what you’re going through. Sending hugs.

Much of USA media is not reporting on the war. Looking at European or Middle East media shows the true situation. If they don’t look at those sources, they probably don’t realize.
I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Most of us just see it as a huge tax waste to go and murder people. Don’t take it personally.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm hoping your family and friends are safe.

Maybe your in laws are like many Americans and just don't watch the news ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry, OP—that’s awful. Many Americans might not fully grasp it and could see your concern as self-centered, but the danger to your family in Iran is very real. Most people here will never face that kind of fear, so they can’t truly understand what you’re going through. Sending hugs.

Much of USA media is not reporting on the war. Looking at European or Middle East media shows the true situation. If they don’t look at those sources, they probably don’t realize.
I’m so sorry.

What media do you consume that doesn’t cover this?