Rec league sport, 15 min in, kid didn’t play?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering if you were on the sideline and they did 5 rotations and your child didn’t play. Every other kid had played at least 3 or 4 times (we were missing most of our players and only had 2 subs) would you say something? Rec sport, second grade. I said “my son hasn’t been in” and coach got upset.

It sounds like you said something DURING the game, which is why the coach got upset.

Wait 24 hours until after the game to raise an issue.

Depending on the age, the child should advocate for themselves.

NEVER go over to a coach in the middle of a game to ask about playing time, no matter how right you are.

Agree you shouldn't ask during the game, but... 24 hours? Come on, people can be adults here.

I would reach out discreetly (as in not in front of kids or other parents) to avoid making it seem confrontational or embarrassing my kid.

But I don't think there's anything wrong with asking after the game or in an email that night, provided you aren't being a jerk and genuinely just asking to understand and not being accusatory.

I would also want to check in with my kid before I spoke to the coach. This would help be gauge my kid's level of upset, if any (if my kid wasn't upset about not playing, I would be far less likely to say anything at all), and also to see if my kid knew an explanation I didn't know.

Also OP said this was 2nd grade, which IMO is too young for most kids to advocate for themselves. Some kids will be able to do that at 7/8 but it's rare, and even those that are ready may not be able to do with with a rec soccer coach, because at that age this is someone you see like twice a week -- there may not be that much rapport there.

Yes, 24 hours. Most leagues/coaches ask for the 24-hour rule. It helps ensure issues not raised when emotions are running high. This is very common.

If it's a league rule, fine.

If it's rec soccer and no one's emotions are running high, they are just curious and want to check to make sure nothing is wrong, I don't think it's necessary. The coach's emotions shouldn't be running high in general -- this was a 2nd grade rec soccer game. Truly one of the lowest stakes events a person could possibly be involved in. If the parent is also not angry or upset, there is no reason to wait.

If a rec league my early elementary kid was in had a rule like that, I would likely not sign them up again because it would be an indication to me that the culture of the league was way too intense.

It's necessary. In my extensive experience, no parent who wants to talk about playing time is "just curious and want to check to make sure nothing is wrong."

Rec sports often being the worst in terms of how worked up parents can get over this stuff. It's almost like the lower the stakes, the more intense the parents. And the younger they are, the worse it is

I think this is a really depressing attitude.

My kid only played rec soccer in K and 1st. I assure you, if I'd approached a coach after a game because my kid hadn't played, my only concern would have been my kid's well being. I could not have cared less about "playing time" or game outcomes, the only reason my kid was enrolled in sports was to spend time with other kids and to get moving.

If we were in a league as intense as what you describe, I would probably just leave. It would have taken all the fun out of it for my kid and I certainly don't want to be spending my Saturday mornings around a bunch of people who get so worked up over 7 or 8 year olds playing soccer that there need to be strict rules for talking to coaches just to avoid things escalating. That's insanely dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

If the kid had a problem the coach would have just explained that. I've seen opposing coaches cursing and slamming clipboards in rec league games, those guys will never change. If the season is just starting you can decide whether to stick it out or ask the league to move you to another team.

The 24 hour rule applies at our high school. I've never seen that at the rec level.

[Anonymous]

I would first talk to your child, just in case they told the coach they didn’t want to play. You’d be surprised how many kids tell the coaches they have a headache or stomach ache when they’ve never mentioned it to their parents. But be mindful of the phrasing you use. You don’t want your kid to feel defensive or project your negative feelings about it.

Then, well after the game, email or text the coach. It gives everyone time to decompress and not feel put on the spot. If it’s rec, coaches should be well aware that every kid is supposed to play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would first talk to your child, just in case they told the coach they didn’t want to play. You’d be surprised how many kids tell the coaches they have a headache or stomach ache when they’ve never mentioned it to their parents. But be mindful of the phrasing you use. [u]You don’t want your kid to feel defensive or project your negative feelings about it.

Then, well after the game, email or text the coach. It gives everyone time to decompress and not feel put on the spot. If it’s rec, coaches should be well aware that every kid is supposed to play.

Yes, I was going to say this. Check in with your kid. It could be something as simple as DS said he didn't want to play, or when Coach said, "Ok, who hasn't been in yet?" 3 kids raised their hand and your DS didn't.

Is the coach a parent of a player, or an assigned coach paid a stipend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering if you were on the sideline and they did 5 rotations and your child didn’t play. Every other kid had played at least 3 or 4 times (we were missing most of our players and only had 2 subs) would you say something? Rec sport, second grade. I said “my son hasn’t been in” and coach got upset.

It sounds like you said something DURING the game, which is why the coach got upset.

Wait 24 hours until after the game to raise an issue.

Depending on the age, the child should advocate for themselves.

NEVER go over to a coach in the middle of a game to ask about playing time, no matter how right you are.

Agree you shouldn't ask during the game, but... 24 hours? Come on, people can be adults here.

I would reach out discreetly (as in not in front of kids or other parents) to avoid making it seem confrontational or embarrassing my kid.

But I don't think there's anything wrong with asking after the game or in an email that night, provided you aren't being a jerk and genuinely just asking to understand and not being accusatory.

I would also want to check in with my kid before I spoke to the coach. This would help be gauge my kid's level of upset, if any (if my kid wasn't upset about not playing, I would be far less likely to say anything at all), and also to see if my kid knew an explanation I didn't know.

Also OP said this was 2nd grade, which IMO is too young for most kids to advocate for themselves. Some kids will be able to do that at 7/8 but it's rare, and even those that are ready may not be able to do with with a rec soccer coach, because at that age this is someone you see like twice a week -- there may not be that much rapport there.

Yes, 24 hours. Most leagues/coaches ask for the 24-hour rule. It helps ensure issues not raised when emotions are running high. This is very common.

If it's a league rule, fine.

If it's rec soccer and no one's emotions are running high, they are just curious and want to check to make sure nothing is wrong, I don't think it's necessary. The coach's emotions shouldn't be running high in general -- this was a 2nd grade rec soccer game. Truly one of the lowest stakes events a person could possibly be involved in. If the parent is also not angry or upset, there is no reason to wait.

If a rec league my early elementary kid was in had a rule like that, I would likely not sign them up again because it would be an indication to me that the culture of the league was way too intense.

It's necessary. In my extensive experience, no parent who wants to talk about playing time is "just curious and want to check to make sure nothing is wrong."

Rec sports often being the worst in terms of how worked up parents can get over this stuff. It's almost like the lower the stakes, the more intense the parents. And the younger they are, the worse it is

I think this is a really depressing attitude.

My kid only played rec soccer in K and 1st. I assure you, if I'd approached a coach after a game because my kid hadn't played, my only concern would have been my kid's well being. I could not have cared less about "playing time" or game outcomes, the only reason my kid was enrolled in sports was to spend time with other kids and to get moving.

If we were in a league as intense as what you describe, I would probably just leave. It would have taken all the fun out of it for my kid and I certainly don't want to be spending my Saturday mornings around a bunch of people who get so worked up over 7 or 8 year olds playing soccer that there need to be strict rules for talking to coaches just to avoid things escalating. That's insanely dysfunctional.

While I'm sure you're absolutely the perfect sports parent, any parent who harasses a coach mid-game to complain about their child's playing time is inherently problematic and probably not as calm or only concerned about their child's well-being as you seem to imagine.

[Anonymous]

My husband coachs a similar age group and I have a son who has had other coaches in similar leagues. You really should not be interfering during a game. It’s pretty tough to make sure everyone gets equal playing time especially if the kids have different positions. There are kids who play the whole game because they are the only ones willing to be goalie but also want a chance to do other positions. There are other kids who refuse to go in for anything but Striker because they think they are Messi. The coach is trying to explain sportsmanship but also keep the game moving.

Also, my husband usually sketch’s out playing time ahead of the game but then parents will tell him at the start oh we have to leave at half time so he usually adjusts to let the kid play earlier since at this age it’s not the kids fault usually.

The only time I have seen a kid really get dramatically less playing time is when he got benched for refusing to listen to court rules from either the coach or the referee. Hopefully you would notice if that was the case! Anyway, it’s fine to ask but wait till the end of the game and ideally do it via email.

[Anonymous]

Yeah it isnt that difficult to make sure there is even playing time. I coached my first season last fall and I had a chart where I wrote down the name of every kid who showed up and I made a column for offense defense goalie and striker. Every kid played a full quarter in an offensive position and in a defensive position unless they got injured or asked for a break. I knew that there were three or four kids who wanted to play the whole game but that's not how it works and so I had one of them listed as my sub in if someone got injured or needed a break they were my designated sub for that quarter. Also If they played striker one quarter they had to play goalie the next quarter.
I also had 15 kid roster so it was a lot to manage. The fewest # kids I had at a game was 11. And I had some kids show up in the second quarter or third quarter and still managed to get them playing time.
If they can't follow the rec rules which is that everyone gets at least two quarters of playing time then they shouldn't coach. It's really that simple. That's one of the basic tenets of recreational sports.
Is the coach got pissed it's either because he doesn't like being questioned or your kid is not good and he doesn't feel like he should have to play him because they might lose or he forgot and doesn't know how to manage anything and was embarrassed.
Not your kids problem.
Not your kids problem

[Anonymous]

This isn't a question of "equal playing time." It doesn't sound like OP cares if their kid gets the same amount of playing time as other kids.

More that he is not playing at all even as other kids are subbing in 3-4x, plus the team is short because people who didn't show. For 8u rec league soccer, that's weird and worth asking the coach about.

All the early elementary rec sports leagues my kids were in had an "everybody plays" rules so if my kid was riding the bench for an entire game, I would definitely follow up to fine out what the deal was. Maybe my kid broke a rule and the coach had previously established that the consequence was not playing. Maybe my kid is saying he's sick or injured, in which case I should know. Maybe the coach literally just forgot about my kid because a lot of kids look alike or have this same name, in which case it's important to bring that to the attention of the coach so it's corrected.

The whole point of sports at this level is participation.

[Anonymous]

Assuming your kid comes to practice, is respectful, and wants to play then a rec league should generally be equal playing time. Sometimes a kid might play 3 quarters while others play 2 but it shouldn't be some kids playing 3 quarters while another plays 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband coachs a similar age group and I have a son who has had other coaches in similar leagues. You really should not be interfering during a game. It’s pretty tough to make sure everyone gets equal playing time especially if the kids have different positions. There are kids who play the whole game because they are the only ones willing to be goalie but also want a chance to do other positions. There are other kids who refuse to go in for anything but Striker because they think they are Messi. The coach is trying to explain sportsmanship but also keep the game moving.

Also, my husband usually sketch’s out playing time ahead of the game but then parents will tell him at the start oh we have to leave at half time so he usually adjusts to let the kid play earlier since at this age it’s not the kids fault usually.

The only time I have seen a kid really get dramatically less playing time is when he got benched for refusing to listen to court rules from either the coach or the referee. Hopefully you would notice if that was the case! Anyway, it’s fine to ask but wait till the end of the game and ideally do it via email.

+1 to all this.

Most coaches my kids have had (DH included) plan out playing time ahead of the game, but have to pivot last minute with kids not showing. A few times after a game my DH has realized he didn’t play a certain kid enough. He always feels bad about it and makes a note to play that kid a bit more the next game. Sometimes he’ll text the parents proactively to make sure they know it was an oversight.

If this is not typical of the coach, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. Agree with others you should ask your kid about it first. Then send an email later or bring it up to the coach quietly at the next practice.

Some other things to consider:
1. Our rec basketball refs will stop a game and tell parents to sit down if they see them approach the bench/attempt to speak to a coach during the game. It is against league rules, and I’ve seen them enforce it.
2. Coaches might bench a kid for not following rules. Again, this is why you should talk to your kid first.
3. Some leagues allow coaches to sit kids who don’t show up to practice repeatedly. Obviously it’s preferable to coaches to communicate this to the parent before it’s done, but does your kid go to practice?

[Anonymous]

I’m first PP with a coach husband. My point about late arrivals and some kids playing a little more is you can’t tell that 15 minutes into the game. Coaches are going for equal playing time over the course of a whole game. Sometimes a kid will hurt their finger during warm up and ask to not play the first quarter. Just calm down and see how it plays out and see what actually happened before adding on to a coach’s stress.

[Anonymous]

Unless my kid does not even get 5-10 mins play in total out of 60 mins game play, I would not even say anything. My kid is not good, so they are never the starters.

[Anonymous]

As a long time rec league coach, I agree with the parent. It's not brain surgery where I can't talk for a moment. I could always request to chat after the game. No need to be rude.

I kept charts to make sure I gave equal playing time, but I saw many coaches who would keep their best players in longer. Speak up for your kids, don't get intimidated by the guy with the clipboard trying to get his 8 year old on the path to D1.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to tell what is going on from OP's scenario. Did your kid get to play at all or were they benched the whole time? What 15 minutes are your referring to?

Not all rec leagues have "equal" playing time rules. Most have minimum playing time rules. Before I talked to the coach, I'd read up on this. Different coaches and different leagues have different approaches to setting this up. Just because your kid didn't play in the first 15 minutes doesn't mean they didn't get minimum or equal playing time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to tell what is going on from OP's scenario. Did your kid get to play at all or were they benched the whole time? What 15 minutes are your referring to?

Not all rec leagues have "equal" playing time rules. Most have minimum playing time rules. Before I talked to the coach, I'd read up on this. Different coaches and different leagues have different approaches to setting this up. Just because your kid didn't play in the first 15 minutes doesn't mean they didn't get minimum or equal playing time.

Pretty standard to have equal playing time at that age. The coach getting upset tells you all you need to know.