Finding A Single Mom Village

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to get the nomenclature correct, if you have an ex who has joint custody of the kids, you aren’t really a “single mom.” You are “divorced mom” or a “co-parent.”

Single moms don’t have another parent at all involved in their children’s lives.

I have sole legal and physical custody. I think I'll continue calling myself a single mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do I build a new circle as a single mom? The married moms I used to socialize with mostly do couples hangouts at which I'm the odd one out. I'm ok with that, but I don't get invited anymore.

The single moms I meet spend most of their limited free time dating or looking for dates. They seem to want a wingwoman more than anything and will ditch a girls night for last minute first date. I'm fit and girly and love going out, but I'm thrilled not to have a man sucking the life out of me for the first time in 15 years. I don't want to center men in my free time.

The child-free single women I meet are more available and friendly, but they don't like the constraints on my time that come with being a single mom.

I'm lonely for a village of fellow moms who get the mom life and actually want to invest in other women. Moms I can raise kids with and rely on through the ups and downs of single mom life. Not just sporadic hangouts and minimal texting. I didn't have a village as a married woman because my ex was mentally unstable and ran people off on purpose to isolate the kids and I. I don't have one now because it seems most women organize their lives around men. How do I meet other moms who want to raise their kids, have fun with other women, and develop their careers and hobbies?

and then some more...



And the answer is - that this society is such that you do not have a village at any stage of your life. Single, married, divorced, with kids, without kids. You are alone and no one will want to be inconvenienced for you.

Your family is not a village for you, your neighbors are not your village, your coworkers are not your village, your friends from school/college/church are not your village. You have not been socialized to put others first + others have not been socialized to put others first.

Also - I love when women want a village. Usually these are women who have had kids. Then they think that the village is their childcare because they are interpreting the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" as an advertisement for free childcare. Then they look around and say "wait! where is my village?"

My answer is NEVER. You will never have a village. Because unless you were the "village" for lots and lots and lots of people and helped them without any expectation - you are not going to get your "village". The "village" is a reciprocal relationship that happens when people are mentally and emotionally healthy.

Considering this post, I don't think you know anything about that. This post was a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a (divorced) single mom. I honestly don’t have time. I don’t have any kind of community and didn’t while married either. I am sorry that I don’t have advice: I only have time for work and kids. I have zero social life.

+1. This is what I was going to say as another single (actually full custody so solo) mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lived in a neighborhood of single Moms - so that made it easy to socialize. There were 4 single Moms on my block.

And were they your village?

Yes. It started as friends but after nearly a decade of friendship we're a village.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lived in a neighborhood of single Moms - so that made it easy to socialize. There were 4 single Moms on my block.

And they your village?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lived in a neighborhood of single Moms - so that made it easy to socialize. There were 4 single Moms on my block.

And they your village?

That question was already asked (by you?) upthread, and already answered. Go troll elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

I’m a married mom with 3 kids. Not sure why you are trying to find only single mom friends.

My kids are in elementary through high school. It is hard enough to click with someone regardless of their marital and child status.

It is unclear if you are looking for shared childcare, play dates together, adult alone time, etc.

I have a very busy husband. I often feel like a single mom. I have the financial support of a very high earning husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do I build a new circle as a single mom? The married moms I used to socialize with mostly do couples hangouts at which I'm the odd one out. I'm ok with that, but I don't get invited anymore.

The single moms I meet spend most of their limited free time dating or looking for dates. They seem to want a wingwoman more than anything and will ditch a girls night for last minute first date. I'm fit and girly and love going out, but I'm thrilled not to have a man sucking the life out of me for the first time in 15 years. I don't want to center men in my free time.

The child-free single women I meet are more available and friendly, but they don't like the constraints on my time that come with being a single mom.

I'm lonely for a village of fellow moms who get the mom life and actually want to invest in other women. Moms I can raise kids with and rely on through the ups and downs of single mom life. Not just sporadic hangouts and minimal texting. I didn't have a village as a married woman because my ex was mentally unstable and ran people off on purpose to isolate the kids and I. I don't have one now because it seems most women organize their lives around men. How do I meet other moms who want to raise their kids, have fun with other women, and develop their careers and hobbies?

and then some more...



And the answer is - that this society is such that you do not have a village at any stage of your life. Single, married, divorced, with kids, without kids. You are alone and no one will want to be inconvenienced for you.

Your family is not a village for you, your neighbors are not your village, your coworkers are not your village, your friends from school/college/church are not your village. You have not been socialized to put others first + others have not been socialized to put others first.

Also - I love when women want a village. Usually these are women who have had kids. Then they think that the village is their childcare because they are interpreting the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" as an advertisement for free childcare. Then they look around and say "wait! where is my village?"

My answer is NEVER. You will never have a village. Because unless you were the "village" for lots and lots and lots of people and helped them without any expectation - you are not going to get your "village". The "village" is a reciprocal relationship that happens when people are mentally and emotionally healthy.

Considering this post, I don't think you know anything about that. This post was a lot.

Ha, I was thinking exactly the same.

Being an emotionally healthy person and laughing at someone's distress do not go hand in hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do I build a new circle as a single mom? The married moms I used to socialize with mostly do couples hangouts at which I'm the odd one out. I'm ok with that, but I don't get invited anymore.

The single moms I meet spend most of their limited free time dating or looking for dates. They seem to want a wingwoman more than anything and will ditch a girls night for last minute first date. I'm fit and girly and love going out, but I'm thrilled not to have a man sucking the life out of me for the first time in 15 years. I don't want to center men in my free time.

The child-free single women I meet are more available and friendly, but they don't like the constraints on my time that come with being a single mom.

I'm lonely for a village of fellow moms who get the mom life and actually want to invest in other women. Moms I can raise kids with and rely on through the ups and downs of single mom life. Not just sporadic hangouts and minimal texting. I didn't have a village as a married woman because my ex was mentally unstable and ran people off on purpose to isolate the kids and I. I don't have one now because it seems most women organize their lives around men. How do I meet other moms who want to raise their kids, have fun with other women, and develop their careers and hobbies?

and then some more...



And the answer is - that this society is such that you do not have a village at any stage of your life. Single, married, divorced, with kids, without kids. You are alone and no one will want to be inconvenienced for you.

Your family is not a village for you, your neighbors are not your village, your coworkers are not your village, your friends from school/college/church are not your village. You have not been socialized to put others first + others have not been socialized to put others first.

Also - I love when women want a village. Usually these are women who have had kids. Then they think that the village is their childcare because they are interpreting the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" as an advertisement for free childcare. Then they look around and say "wait! where is my village?"

My answer is NEVER. You will never have a village. Because unless you were the "village" for lots and lots and lots of people and helped them without any expectation - you are not going to get your "village". The "village" is a reciprocal relationship that happens when people are mentally and emotionally healthy.

Considering this post, I don't think you know anything about that. This post was a lot.

Ha, I was thinking exactly the same.

Being an emotionally healthy person and laughing at someone's distress do not go hand in hand.

Reading between the lines, they sound like someone who felt abandoned/isolated while raising their kids and is angry that other moms have the nerve to want something different. So they laugh cynically and call it far-fetched. Crab bucket mentality.

Building community and supporting other moms now has nothing to do with how much karmic credit you built up in the past. It’s not an IRA.

[Anonymous]

None of my friends have kids. I socialize with my kids friends parents at events/bday parties but none of them seem to want to hang out beyond that.

I am bi so I tend to make friends that are a part of the lgbtq community from apps. Met my best friend on hinge, and now she lives next door (we did date for a bit at first, years ago lol). I hang out with her roommate and her other best friend who is also lgbtq. Lgbtq people are less likely to be judgemental compared to the straight moms at my kids schools.

They understand I don't have all the time in the world, and they are not at all focused on dating. But I have a co parent so I have time for them on weekends.

[Anonymous]

“I don’t want to hang out with with married moms because they are couples, and I don’t want to hang out with single moms who are focused guys, and I don’t want to hang out with single moms who are focused on their kids, I don’t want to hang out with non-moms because they don’t have the constraints of kids. Why can’t I find single moms as centered on me as I am?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I don’t want to hang out with with married moms because they are couples, and I don’t want to hang out with single moms who are focused guys, and I don’t want to hang out with single moms who are focused on their kids, I don’t want to hang out with non-moms because they don’t have the constraints of kids. Why can’t I find single moms as centered on me as I am?”

Well put. OP is out of touch.

[Anonymous]

OP has a strange way to find friends.
She is concentrating on the wrong aspects. Whether you have kids or not, being married or a single mom doesn’t determine friendships. Look for people who align with your values and interests, and you can create a village. When people genuinely like each other, they make time to hang out.
You might come across single moms, but if you don’t have similar values and interests, it won’t lead to anything meaningful.
You could also meet married moms or women without kids who have more in common with you than any single mom.
Concentrate on connecting with those who share your interests and values.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don’t know, but many divorced moms lived in a really nice apartment complex near our kids’ elementary school at first, and they all seemed to socialize and support each other. I certainly wouldn’t suggest a move if you don’t need to, but maybe make friends with someone who is in that situation and get pulled into the group?

I am married but still have no village so am probably not the best to be giving advice. But I always thought they seemed like a tight little group. The apartment complex has a pool and the kids would run around and play together while the moms hung out etc. One of my kids had a friend who lived there and it looked like a lot of fun.

[Anonymous]

The married moms excluding single moms is a real phenomenon. OP- I found a lot of older women friends who had raised their kids and were empty nesters and if still married, were secure with the 15-20 age gap, but mostly we hung out as women.