Finding A Single Mom Village

[Anonymous]

How do I build a new circle as a single mom? The married moms I used to socialize with mostly do couples hangouts at which I'm the odd one out. I'm ok with that, but I don't get invited anymore.

The single moms I meet spend most of their limited free time dating or looking for dates. They seem to want a wingwoman more than anything and will ditch a girls night for last minute first date. I'm fit and girly and love going out, but I'm thrilled not to have a man sucking the life out of me for the first time in 15 years. I don't want to center men in my free time.

The child-free single women I meet are more available and friendly, but they don't like the constraints on my time that come with being a single mom.

I'm lonely for a village of fellow moms who get the mom life and actually want to invest in other women. Moms I can raise kids with and rely on through the ups and downs of single mom life. Not just sporadic hangouts and minimal texting. I didn't have a village as a married woman because my ex was mentally unstable and ran people off on purpose to isolate the kids and I. I don't have one now because it seems most women organize their lives around men. How do I meet other moms who want to raise their kids, have fun with other women, and develop their careers and hobbies?

[Anonymous]

As a fellow single mom, it's harder to have other single mom friends because the schedules don't often line up. I do have some, and we do go out sometimes, but things have to line up. And yeah, I find that they are either focused on finding a guy or completely focused on their kids. Doesn't seem to be a lot in the middle.

You might be able to find friends through whatever hobbies you have. Maybe join a rec team or a running club or go to a trivia night or find a library book club event or find a place with live music and go there. Or if you have a cozy local bar, head there at happy hour with a book and chat with people. I've met people that way.

[Anonymous]

I pushed ahead with my friends from before I divorced. So what if you're the odd one out? If they don't invite you, then you should be the one to organize the group to do things.

I think that limiting yourself to just single moms is unrealistic. People don't socialize along those lines. They are either people whose company you enjoy or not. Their marital status isn't the main driver of whether you gel as a group. And for people who are of an age where they have children living at home, most socializing is centered on the kids.

Are you looking for single moms to hang out with when you don't have your kids, or when you do have your kids? IOW, do you want to spend adults-only time with these single moms, or do you want to spend moms-only time with fellow moms and their kids? As someone above said, it's going to be hard to coordinate around kids/no-kids time given that everyone's custody times could differ.

[Anonymous]

I am a (divorced) single mom. I honestly don’t have time. I don’t have any kind of community and didn’t while married either. I am sorry that I don’t have advice: I only have time for work and kids. I have zero social life.

[Anonymous]

Maybe don't discriminate against being friends with women simply because they don't have kids?

Women without kids are more likely to prioritize spending time with friends.

[Anonymous]

Are there other moms in your neighborhood, or preschool/school moms, or moms whose kids do the same activities as your kids (not sure how old they are)? As a single mom, that’s how I’ve built a social circle. It takes time. There are also clubs, classes, and women-only networking events for developing career and interests outside of parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t your former friends want to hang out? Are they afraid you’ll now have designs on their husbands?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t your former friends want to hang out? Are they afraid you’ll now have designs on their husbands?

This happened to me. The invites just stopped coming and when you ask they seem enthusiastic but schedules always just don't line up. A lot of activities in our old friend group revolved around couples and I think they felt awkward at having a single mom. It wasn't me.

[Anonymous]

Looking for the same! I’ll be your single mom friend!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t your former friends want to hang out? Are they afraid you’ll now have designs on their husbands?

OP here. Honestly? I think that's part of it, at least subconsciously.

To be clear, no one has suggested I'm a threat and I have no interest in any of their husbands. I haven't even tried to befriend any of their husbands beyond casual group conversation while the wives are present.

Nonetheless, I seem to have activated that instinctive urge to keep a single woman away from hangouts with the husband. I get it. So many men are trashy enough to go fishing among their wives' friends.

Sadly, it makes plans hard because a lot of married moms don't really have any free time left after carving out time for their husbands, kids, and couples hangouts. Their instinct to socialize with me separately now means they just don't see me much.

[Anonymous]

Just to get the nomenclature correct, if you have an ex who has joint custody of the kids, you aren’t really a “single mom.” You are “divorced mom” or a “co-parent.”

Single moms don’t have another parent at all involved in their children’s lives.

[Anonymous]

I lived in a neighborhood of single Moms - so that made it easy to socialize. There were 4 single Moms on my block.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to get the nomenclature correct, if you have an ex who has joint custody of the kids, you aren’t really a “single mom.” You are “divorced mom” or a “co-parent.”

Single moms don’t have another parent at all involved in their children’s lives.

Um, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do I build a new circle as a single mom? The married moms I used to socialize with mostly do couples hangouts at which I'm the odd one out. I'm ok with that, but I don't get invited anymore.

The single moms I meet spend most of their limited free time dating or looking for dates. They seem to want a wingwoman more than anything and will ditch a girls night for last minute first date. I'm fit and girly and love going out, but I'm thrilled not to have a man sucking the life out of me for the first time in 15 years. I don't want to center men in my free time.

The child-free single women I meet are more available and friendly, but they don't like the constraints on my time that come with being a single mom.

I'm lonely for a village of fellow moms who get the mom life and actually want to invest in other women. Moms I can raise kids with and rely on through the ups and downs of single mom life. Not just sporadic hangouts and minimal texting. I didn't have a village as a married woman because my ex was mentally unstable and ran people off on purpose to isolate the kids and I. I don't have one now because it seems most women organize their lives around men. How do I meet other moms who want to raise their kids, have fun with other women, and develop their careers and hobbies?

and then some more...



And the answer is - that this society is such that you do not have a village at any stage of your life. Single, married, divorced, with kids, without kids. You are alone and no one will want to be inconvenienced for you.

Your family is not a village for you, your neighbors are not your village, your coworkers are not your village, your friends from school/college/church are not your village. You have not been socialized to put others first + others have not been socialized to put others first.

Also - I love when women want a village. Usually these are women who have had kids. Then they think that the village is their childcare because they are interpreting the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" as an advertisement for free childcare. Then they look around and say "wait! where is my village?"

My answer is NEVER. You will never have a village. Because unless you were the "village" for lots and lots and lots of people and helped them without any expectation - you are not going to get your "village". The "village" is a reciprocal relationship that happens when people are mentally and emotionally healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lived in a neighborhood of single Moms - so that made it easy to socialize. There were 4 single Moms on my block.

And were they your village?