Finding A Single Mom Village

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t know, but many divorced moms lived in a really nice apartment complex near our kids’ elementary school at first, and they all seemed to socialize and support each other. I certainly wouldn’t suggest a move if you don’t need to, but maybe make friends with someone who is in that situation and get pulled into the group?

I am married but still have no village so am probably not the best to be giving advice. But I always thought they seemed like a tight little group. The apartment complex has a pool and the kids would run around and play together while the moms hung out etc. One of my kids had a friend who lived there and it looked like a lot of fun.

+1 I am the pp that focused on lgbtq friends but this is true too. Apartment living has been great for my kids making friends and I chat with one of the moms frequently, there's a lot of cultural differences that seem to prevent us from being more than casual friends though (typically I'm inviting her and her daughter to my daughters bday party, or to meet at the apartment pool). But in general apartments are good for community, as I said in my previous post, my best friend is literally next door.

[Anonymous]

Other than finding friends through your hobbies I don’t have any ideas.
I have a village from the moms group I was in when DD was a baby. One of the moms was widowed 3 years ago and we still include her in things. My spouse and I both do shift work including weekends so sometimes I go to events without spouse. It’s no biggie. Not sure why your friends dropped you, seems unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to get the nomenclature correct, if you have an ex who has joint custody of the kids, you aren’t really a “single mom.” You are “divorced mom” or a “co-parent.”

Single moms don’t have another parent at all involved in their children’s lives.

Um, no.

Um, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do I build a new circle as a single mom? The married moms I used to socialize with mostly do couples hangouts at which I'm the odd one out. I'm ok with that, but I don't get invited anymore.

The single moms I meet spend most of their limited free time dating or looking for dates. They seem to want a wingwoman more than anything and will ditch a girls night for last minute first date. I'm fit and girly and love going out, but I'm thrilled not to have a man sucking the life out of me for the first time in 15 years. I don't want to center men in my free time.

The child-free single women I meet are more available and friendly, but they don't like the constraints on my time that come with being a single mom.

I'm lonely for a village of fellow moms who get the mom life and actually want to invest in other women. Moms I can raise kids with and rely on through the ups and downs of single mom life. Not just sporadic hangouts and minimal texting. I didn't have a village as a married woman because my ex was mentally unstable and ran people off on purpose to isolate the kids and I. I don't have one now because it seems most women organize their lives around men. How do I meet other moms who want to raise their kids, have fun with other women, and develop their careers and hobbies?

Before I remarried, I built a single mom (and one dad) village that lasted a decade. It began with two other moms at daycare and then expanded to eight members. Initially, it was play dates for the kids. Then, we started helping each other out in emergencies. Socializing came later, but eventually, we even vacationed together.

It helped that we all lived relatively close to each other in eastern MoCo and were mostly from the same socioeconomic class.

Weirdly, three of the exes tried to mirror it but failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to get the nomenclature correct, if you have an ex who has joint custody of the kids, you aren’t really a “single mom.” You are “divorced mom” or a “co-parent.”

Single moms don’t have another parent at all involved in their children’s lives.

I have sole legal and physical custody. I think I'll continue calling myself a single mom.

This 100% counts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to get the nomenclature correct, if you have an ex who has joint custody of the kids, you aren’t really a “single mom.” You are “divorced mom” or a “co-parent.”

Single moms don’t have another parent at all involved in their children’s lives.

if you are single and you are a parent, you are a single parent. There are many different ways to be a single parent.

[Anonymous]

Don’t know either and wish I had one. Surprised there are no meet up groups specifically for single moms especially ones navigating divorce. Most groups seem focused on dating. OP—maybe start a group via meetup or next door?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I don’t want to hang out with with married moms because they are couples, and I don’t want to hang out with single moms who are focused guys, and I don’t want to hang out with single moms who are focused on their kids, I don’t want to hang out with non-moms because they don’t have the constraints of kids. Why can’t I find single moms as centered on me as I am?”

OP here. I think it's pretty clear from my post that the limitations I describe aren't about what I want. For instance, the married moms hang out as couples and stopped inviting me once I wasn't part of a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The married moms excluding single moms is a real phenomenon. OP- I found a lot of older women friends who had raised their kids and were empty nesters and if still married, were secure with the 15-20 age gap, but mostly we hung out as women.

OP here. Thank you. This is helpful. I have found that women in their 50s and early 60s are very friendly to me. Maybe I shouldn't assume the age gap means we can't form meaningful friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t know either and wish I had one. Surprised there are no meet up groups specifically for single moms especially ones navigating divorce. Most groups seem focused on dating. OP—maybe start a group via meetup or next door?

OP here. This is a really, really good idea. I'm so going to start a meetup group for our demographic! I'll keep this in my back pocket for when my divorce is finalized and my weirdo cyberstalking ex can't make something out of it in court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I pushed ahead with my friends from before I divorced. So what if you're the odd one out? If they don't invite you, then you should be the one to organize the group to do things.

I think that limiting yourself to just single moms is unrealistic. People don't socialize along those lines. They are either people whose company you enjoy or not. Their marital status isn't the main driver of whether you gel as a group. And for people who are of an age where they have children living at home, most socializing is centered on the kids.

Are you looking for single moms to hang out with when you don't have your kids, or when you do have your kids? IOW, do you want to spend adults-only time with these single moms, or do you want to spend moms-only time with fellow moms and their kids? As someone above said, it's going to be hard to coordinate around kids/no-kids time given that everyone's custody times could differ.

We have a group with married and divorced women. All our kids started at the same elementary school. You will discover that generally women like to socialize more. The men don’t want to or don’t like everyone or something. It is not a barrier at all that some women don’t have partners.