How do people who aren’t rich help their parents?

[Anonymous]

Can your spouse help you set boundaries? If you don't have the money, I imagine giving it to him anyway would jeopardize your marriage? So maybe let your spouse help you say now?

[Anonymous]

OP - Do not let him drag you down emotionally or financially.

Get him connected with the local office on aging to help him figure out what he might qualify for. If there was anything you might do, could you afford a baseline Medicare. supplement - no frills. I think AARP might be a source on information on such a plan. Humana comes to mind possibly.

See if you can get him to a local agency that could help him figure out a way to pay off credit cards or handle his money better to improve his credit rating.

Time to look at his car and if there is other options for him to get around in. If he wastes money just to spend, maybe be see if there is a senior center he might join that has a variety of classes and interest options and could be wholesome wat to spend his time.

[Anonymous]

I forgot to add to avoid a Medicare Advantage Plans which have a lot of supposed extras, but hold you for more medical costs.

[Anonymous]

Some states come after next of kin for elder neglect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Do not let him drag you down emotionally or financially.

Get him connected with the local office on aging to help him figure out what he might qualify for. If there was anything you might do, could you afford a baseline Medicare. supplement - no frills. I think AARP might be a source on information on such a plan. Humana comes to mind possibly.

See if you can get him to a local agency that could help him figure out a way to pay off credit cards or handle his money better to improve his credit rating.

Time to look at his car and if there is other options for him to get around in. If he wastes money just to spend, maybe be see if there is a senior center he might join that has a variety of classes and interest options and could be wholesome wat to spend his time.

I’m going to make calls tomorrow to see how the resources you and others mentioned might be able to help him. No, I can’t and will not do a monthly payment for an extra medicare plan for him. My spouse would definitely not be ok with that and neither would I.

For some context he is not necessarily an “over spender” it’s more that he’s never made a lot of money and didn’t plan well at all. And when he did have a little extra he would choose to spend it on not so great choices but not like gambling, drinking etc…More like a new TV or a new price of furniture type thing. Basically he never made enough to have any significant savings but he could have had much more if he planned better. He also worked very low paying jobs mostly because he just didn’t have any real ambition so that’s why he has no 401k, life insurance etc…And he has about 15k in credit card debt last I heard.

And another poster asked-yes he has major medical issues but none of which prevent him from driving. He just has always had old and crappy cars that often need repairs.

I know I don’t HAVE to help but I guess I just feel like nobody else is going to either. I think you all are right that the boundaries need to be clear. Like I will give my love, as much support (making phone calls, setting up appointments) as I can but I simply will not help financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some states come after next of kin for elder neglect.

Elder neglect is active neglect. It doesn’t refer to adult children living out of state who have no obligation to a parent. Now if the parent was living with an adult child and that adult child was their legal caregiver that’s totally different and where elder neglect is definitely a thing. You can’t go after random out of state relatives for elder neglect. Get a clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being manipulated

Figure out what you are willing to do and stick with it. Cut off conversation if he persists.

Yes, unfortunately, this.

You could help him find a cheaper place to live?
Help him create a budget so he can live on his SS?

His rent is already very cheap and he has terrible credit so finding a new place would be very hard, especially one that is even less expensive than what he has currently.

I do know there is manipulation at play here, I think it’s more I have a hard time when i’m presented with a scenario in which he acts like if I don’t help he will simply go without (medication, help with car repairs etc…)

Being a good parent comes before being a daughter, even more so if the father was not very involved with you. This isn't about being too nice. You have to have boundaries and protect your own family you created. These are his issues. If he ends up in the hospital, they aren't going to release him to an unsafe situation. If he can't afford things, he needs to discuss that with a county social worker. You could also find out if Adult Protectivr Services can help him. They may know resources.

This x 1000
OP, do right by your children above all else. They deserve that and more. Your father does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some states come after next of kin for elder neglect.

Someone always posts this but in practice it's hardly ever enforced, even in cases where the kids had plenty of money and opportunity to help their parents.

Stop trying to scare OP. Her father does not deserve her help. She needs to use her money to push her children higher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some states come after next of kin for elder neglect.

Someone always posts this but in practice it's hardly ever enforced, even in cases where the kids had plenty of money and opportunity to help their parents.

Stop trying to scare OP. Her father does not deserve her help. She needs to use her money to push her children higher.

Elder abuse also has nothing to do with the ability for children to financially help their parents. It’s not their job or a requirement. Children are not obligated to their parents once they become adults-I don’t know what’s confusing about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some states come after next of kin for elder neglect.

So per your logic, it’s elder neglect if children don’t financially support their parents? Parents are responsible for their children until they are 18 years old. There isn’t some shift when that child becomes an adult that now means the child is responsible for the parent-that’s not how it works. Just like a parent has no obligation to their child when they become an adult, that child also has no obligation to the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some states come after next of kin for elder neglect.

As PP have said, neglect is if you're a caregiver, the elder lives with you and then say you refuse to feed them or clean them. It's not if you don't pay $1000 a month to the elder (or whatever other amount). It's like child neglect. If you don't feed your children and they go around hungry, it's child neglect. If you don't give them $100 a month or don't feed them caviar, it's not.

[Anonymous]

20 states have filial responsibility laws. It’s the state where the parent lives that counts, not the state the adult relatives live in.

It is rarely used BUT more facilities are turning to this law now because of the deep cuts to eldercare programs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20 states have filial responsibility laws. It’s the state where the parent lives that counts, not the state the adult relatives live in.

It is rarely used BUT more facilities are turning to this law now because of the deep cuts to eldercare programs.

I wonder how they determine your contribution amount, like is it 5% of gross income or some other formula

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20 states have filial responsibility laws. It’s the state where the parent lives that counts, not the state the adult relatives live in.

It is rarely used BUT more facilities are turning to this law now because of the deep cuts to eldercare programs.

First of all it seems to specifically apply
to nursing home bills that are unpaid-exclusively and it’s the only history of this law actually being applied I can find. Secondly if you looked up the law itself and read the original post you would see that this particular parent was not the main parent and by all deductive reasoning-did not support the OP when they were a child. Therefore the law doesn’t apply regardless. But realistically no child should be obligated to financially support their parent-ever. That is insane and I would guess that any competent lawyer would be able to argue against a specific child having to pay a parent’s bills.

[Anonymous]

To be clear, I am strictly answering the equation in the headline. Not saying you should be helping your father in any way.

I moved my father to a state with generous Medicaid laws. There is a share of cost version of Medicaid here and then you jump thru some hoops to eliminate it. Then there is in home support that pays me for taking care of my parent (state program).