Rude and recalcitrant 14 year old

[Anonymous]

Therapy to find out what is going on. She’s clearly depressed. I would be worried of some sort of SA.

[Anonymous]

Where is this child's other parent?

Brainstorm with them on proper course of action and punishment honestly..

Sounds like you have a whole problem on your hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy to find out what is going on. She’s clearly depressed. I would be worried of some sort of SA.

Kinda agree with this.

My now 17 yr old DD didn't do some of that stuff (didn't shower, barely brushed her teeth, but she made sure her makeup looked good). After much haranguing by me (and her sibling and dad), she's been a lot better about this stuff.

DD also didn't eat much, but I think she has food texture issues. If you put something she really likes in front of her, she'll eat a ton, but there were days she would skip dinner, and only had a tiny breakfast. That worried me. She is fairly tall but skinny as a reed.

Chores - no one likes chores, but you have enforce it.

That said, it seems like maybe OP's DD is extreme, and that could be due to some depression. DD has some mild depression that she's been taking rx for.

How are her academics?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she doesn't like the food you make nor the activities you've signed her up for. She's 14, not 4 as someone else said. Let her have a say. ASK what she wants and let her do/have/prepare it her way. She's "defiant" because you're controlling. I was like that with my mom (listened to dad) because she was unbearable (she also had undiagnosed anxiety).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pick your battles. And they need to be in much greater control of their life. You sound controlling. You shouldn't be asking your 14 year old to brush their hair or finish their food. Do they enjoy their paid activities? Maybe it's time to switch. Not doing their chores or being disrespectful would result in loss of screentime in my house.

I do agree op is too controlling that’s why this is happening your kid is old enough to do their ie. Hair big whoop they won’t omg OP shut up.

Your kid is not the problem op you are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle a 14 year old who is rude and just doesn't listen? Doesn't brush their hair. Doesn't go to bed. Doesn't sleep for more than 7 or 8 hours. Doesn't go to their paid activities. Doesn't eat breakfast. Doesn't finish their meals. Doesn't grow. Doesn't do their chores. Doesn't help out around the house. Doesn't clean up after themselves. Doesn't respond to consequences or punishment. She just doesn't care.

wtf why does she need to sleep more than 8 hours? You sound insane honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t most 14 year old girls reached their adult height? Are you expecting her to grow 2 more inches? What does her doctor say? I don’t think you can fault her for not growing in a timely manner.

She keeps getting flagged by her pediatrician for falling off the growth curve. Both her height and weight is under the bottom 1 percentile. She is about 1-2 years behind in growth based on her bone age so now is apparently the time she should be experiencing a growth spurt and puberty but she is not hitting either yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she doesn't like the food you make nor the activities you've signed her up for. She's 14, not 4 as someone else said. Let her have a say. ASK what she wants and let her do/have/prepare it her way. She's "defiant" because you're controlling. I was like that with my mom (listened to dad) because she was unbearable (she also had undiagnosed anxiety).

Op here and I have to say I’m surprised by all of the posters here saying I’m being controlling. But also willing to consider letting some of this go if that’s the case. It’s not like I want to be badgering her, but I feel like these are the things we have decided do fall on us as parents to try to get her to work on.

We are pushing the sleep and food stuff because I feel like these pediatrician is one step away from saying our daughter is failing to thrive and this may be her final year or 2 of growth. And she is still in the bottom first percentile for weight and height.

We told her she has to do just one physical activity. This is the one activity she chose. She doesn’t want to do anything else. Honestly I’m willing to cut it if you all think it’s too much, because it’s been such a battle getting her to go and frankly it’s expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she doesn't like the food you make nor the activities you've signed her up for. She's 14, not 4 as someone else said. Let her have a say. ASK what she wants and let her do/have/prepare it her way. She's "defiant" because you're controlling. I was like that with my mom (listened to dad) because she was unbearable (she also had undiagnosed anxiety).

Op here and I have to say I’m surprised by all of the posters here saying I’m being controlling. But also willing to consider letting some of this go if that’s the case. It’s not like I want to be badgering her, but I feel like these are the things we have decided do fall on us as parents to try to get her to work on.

We are pushing the sleep and food stuff because I feel like these pediatrician is one step away from saying our daughter is failing to thrive and this may be her final year or 2 of growth. And she is still in the bottom first percentile for weight and height.

We told her she has to do just one physical activity. This is the one activity she chose. She doesn’t want to do anything else. Honestly I’m willing to cut it if you all think it’s too much, because it’s been such a battle getting her to go and frankly it’s expensive.

Where is your partner in all of this? You two need to come up with a plan and present an undivided front

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pick your battles. And they need to be in much greater control of their life. You sound controlling. You shouldn't be asking your 14 year old to brush their hair or finish their food. Do they enjoy their paid activities? Maybe it's time to switch. Not doing their chores or being disrespectful would result in loss of screentime in my house.

I do agree op is too controlling that’s why this is happening your kid is old enough to do their ie. Hair big whoop they won’t omg OP shut up.

Your kid is not the problem op you are

The hair is the least of my worries. But just so you know the extreme nature of the problem, she has often gone more than 2 weeks without brushing her hair. 2 years ago she finally asked to have her hair cut very short so it would be less of a hassle to keep brushed. But she still regularly has to cut out pieces of her hair because the knots and matting gets so bad and she can’t get it out on her own and won’t let me help get them out either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she doesn't like the food you make nor the activities you've signed her up for. She's 14, not 4 as someone else said. Let her have a say. ASK what she wants and let her do/have/prepare it her way. She's "defiant" because you're controlling. I was like that with my mom (listened to dad) because she was unbearable (she also had undiagnosed anxiety).

Op here and I have to say I’m surprised by all of the posters here saying I’m being controlling. But also willing to consider letting some of this go if that’s the case. It’s not like I want to be badgering her, but I feel like these are the things we have decided do fall on us as parents to try to get her to work on.

We are pushing the sleep and food stuff because I feel like these pediatrician is one step away from saying our daughter is failing to thrive and this may be her final year or 2 of growth. And she is still in the bottom first percentile for weight and height.

We told her she has to do just one physical activity. This is the one activity she chose. She doesn’t want to do anything else. Honestly I’m willing to cut it if you all think it’s too much, because it’s been such a battle getting her to go and frankly it’s expensive.

Where is your partner in all of this? You two need to come up with a plan and present an undivided front

We are working together. We are also all working together with a therapist to work through these and other issues.

[Anonymous]

OP, I fully where you’re coming from. Kids are just exasperating some days or for some months. I recommend laying back a little and maintaining communications. I feel if you push too much at this point, will lose hold of the kid. Hang out with her. Do some fun things. Maybe once she sees the pressure is off she will cooperate more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pick your battles. And they need to be in much greater control of their life. You sound controlling. You shouldn't be asking your 14 year old to brush their hair or finish their food. Do they enjoy their paid activities? Maybe it's time to switch. Not doing their chores or being disrespectful would result in loss of screentime in my house.

I do agree op is too controlling that’s why this is happening your kid is old enough to do their ie. Hair big whoop they won’t omg OP shut up.

Your kid is not the problem op you are

The hair is the least of my worries. But just so you know the extreme nature of the problem, she has often gone more than 2 weeks without brushing her hair. 2 years ago she finally asked to have her hair cut very short so it would be less of a hassle to keep brushed. But she still regularly has to cut out pieces of her hair because the knots and matting gets so bad and she can’t get it out on her own and won’t let me help get them out either.

OP that does sound very extreme, poor thing seems like she’s struggling (as are you of course). Have you done any neuropsychological testing? The food and hair brushing aversion sounds like it could be anxiety or autism? Dropping the activity seems like an easy one in the short term. Does she struggle to fall asleep? Would a sleep aid like a low dose of melatonin help?

[Anonymous]

PP again - and personally chores would not be the hill I die on. She sounds overwhelmed generally and perhaps taking things off her plate will help. I never had to do any chores growing up and yet I am an exceedingly clean and responsible adult. Cleaning up after herself is another story however because that’s just courtesy in my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pick your battles. And they need to be in much greater control of their life. You sound controlling. You shouldn't be asking your 14 year old to brush their hair or finish their food. Do they enjoy their paid activities? Maybe it's time to switch. Not doing their chores or being disrespectful would result in loss of screentime in my house.

I do agree op is too controlling that’s why this is happening your kid is old enough to do their ie. Hair big whoop they won’t omg OP shut up.

Your kid is not the problem op you are

The hair is the least of my worries. But just so you know the extreme nature of the problem, she has often gone more than 2 weeks without brushing her hair. 2 years ago she finally asked to have her hair cut very short so it would be less of a hassle to keep brushed. But she still regularly has to cut out pieces of her hair because the knots and matting gets so bad and she can’t get it out on her own and won’t let me help get them out either.

OP that does sound very extreme, poor thing seems like she’s struggling (as are you of course). Have you done any neuropsychological testing? The food and hair brushing aversion sounds like it could be anxiety or autism? Dropping the activity seems like an easy one in the short term. Does she struggle to fall asleep? Would a sleep aid like a low dose of melatonin help?

This--this sounds like neurodivergence.