Rude and recalcitrant 14 year old
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Anonymous
| If she needs to eat more, let her pick what she wants to eat. Ice cream, cookies, whatever. She needs a eval for neurodivergence. |
Anonymous
| Try to establish an actual relationship with her rather than acting as her owner/handler. |
Anonymous
| If you want her to grow, she has to eat. If you force her to eat and she doesn't like it... guess what... she'll not eat. At 14, you should not be badgering anyone. She should have her own agenda. Where were you until now? I have a 15 yo and there's absolutely no way I'd be in her business like you are. I did what you do when she was younger, until about age 10-11, make sure she had food, sleep and activities. After that, the chickens come home to roost. |
Anonymous
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I mean — not eating, not brushing hair and teeth and refusing activities for a teen girl screams that she may have some neurodivergence or a mental health issue. I would get an evaluation before I thought this kid was lazy.
It sounds like you veered towards authoritarian parenting, which may be blinding you to a child that needs some real help. I would try to stop thinking of this as bad behavior for 6-12 months while you seek some other types of help. If they all say this kid is just fine, then you can revisit consequences. |
Anonymous
| Neuropsych. And spend ten minutes a day doing what she wants, one on one (for each parent). With no mention of chores, homework, brushing hair, food, growth, anything. It helps build and maintain connection, and that’s the most powerful tool you have (cynically) |
Anonymous
This. Something is going on. Depression? Autism? ADHD? ODD? Has she been screened for any mental health issues? Eating disorders? |
Anonymous
She’s going to be evaluated and is going to therapy as well. We are exploring all avenues. But it is really hard- she is very angry about going to therapy and is refusing to talk. She also said she won’t do the evaluations, and is very angry about us going down that path. She denies she has any issues. |
Anonymous
| Hi OP...this sounds really hard and I'm sure there are plenty of positives but you are drowning in the negative. I understand and can relate. Our daughter similarly went down similar path. She did seek therapy but therapy for her was a gripe session and refusal to work on herself. She struggled with motivation, confidence (academically, physically), keeping friends, blaming others etc. Food was a big thing and we struggled down the path of an eating disorder with a kid who refused to work with nutritionist. Its awful. Please watch the food thing..it is the priority of everything you are talking about and needs to be addressed first. Daughter had a neuropsych test and were surprised at neurodivergence (she was older). Suggested DBT. It's a struggle but you may want to look into it and a group who has a neurodivergent ASD focus. Good luck OP...turning the ship is going to be a long road that requires a partnership with you and your partner as well as your daughter. |
Anonymous
| You also need her screened for ARFID and anorexia. In the meantime, let her eat WHATEVER she wants. Don’t worry about healthy eating. Just get calories into her. Any calories. |
Anonymous
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Are there any 14 year olds who aren’t sometimes rude and recalcitrant?
It’s pretty normal and even healthy for young teens to set out to become more independent and separate from their parents. A lot of posters here have good advice about choosing your battles carefully. You’ll get through this, and even look back and laugh a bit at times. And on the posyside, I found that my kids improved a lot when they were 15- so hold on, there’s a light at the end of the terrible teens tunnel. |
Anonymous
| Typical DCUM blame the parent. A 14 yr should understand that basic hygiene is not optional. OP get her a psych evaluation she may need meds. I find that kids today are insufferable and are being given bad advice. Apparently parents need to supply unconditional love while taking emotional abuse from the child becuase if you don't the child will go no contact when they're an adult. Absolutely ridiculous, the fact is some kids just have terrible attitudes and personalities. Until you get an evaluation you wont know what youre dealing with. Good luck |
Anonymous
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OP here and thanks for the feedback. I'm hopeful the evaluations will help all of us navigate this better by helping us understand what the issues are.
In the meantime, I feel at a loss on how to handle things. On days off, she refuses to even come out of her room until after noon. I don't know what she's doing in there, and she ignores me when I tell her to come down to eat breakfast. I'd let her do whatever but the eating thing is pretty important. She has not been able to eat breakfast for months now, because she "doesn't have time". Sometimes she eats the lunches I pack for her, but often there is something she fixates on that is wrong with the food, and she will refuse to eat it because it's not to her exact preferences. Meanwhile she keeps falling off her growth curve and the pediatrician is harassing us to intervene and put her through further testing. She calls me and DH an f-ing idiot pretty much on a daily basis. For what? For things like turning off the wi-fi after 9pm, or taking her to a therapist, taking her to doctor's appointments, or getting her evaluated. Nothing seems to work with her - and she sees our reccent attempts to figure out what's going on with her as an all-out attack on her instead of us trying to figure out what's going on and trying to help her. I really want to focus on the positive, build connection, to do fun things together, but at this point, it's like going up against a brick wall. Yes, there are definitely moments when she puts her guard down and we can be "normal". But then, usually without any trigger, she decides to go on the offensive and pick fights with us about anything and everything and hyperfixate on every "wrong" we've ever done to her (lie, ike taking her to a therapist). I do a pretty darn good job of being very patient through all of these barrages. I listen, I try to be empathetic, and I answer all of her questions as honestly as I can. Because it's better than her shutting down and not talking to us. But it's never enough. She will go on for several hours. And when I finally hit a point when I say "I'm sorry, but we've been having the same conversation for the past 2 and a half hours, and I just keep repeating myself, and I'm tired", she will keep at me until I am very firm with her about the fact that I'm done talking to her. Then she will go find DH and go and harass him. |
Anonymous
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try a DBT group that works with parents for kids who don’t want to lean in. does she have a psychiatrist? medication can help too
you may have to escalate her care unfortunately. I’ve been there try to let the pediatrician talk to her to explain why it’s important she eat. she also needs a nutrition it who can meet her where she’s at and Is suggest finding on who is skilled working with neurodivergent personality i’m so sorry. this is a long tough road ahead of you and you are doing your best with what you have now. building a team of support around her and your family is omportant. |
Anonymous
| the special needs forum can give you some suggestions for care |
Anonymous
| Depression? Some trauma that you are unaware of? |